Naturally

Matriarch or Patriarch?

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In my home my dad doesn't make an important decision without asking my mum what she thinks first. But it is ultimately my dad who makes the decision in the end. He may be viewed as the "head" of the house (but my mum is the heart)

If you were to get married and have a family, who would be viewed as the "head" of the house, you or your spouse?

 

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I believe men are called to be leaders, but only in conjunction with the wisdom of a woman. Man is not necessarily best-suited to be the leader, yet God has called him to be.

Nevertheless, very often it's the case women are the neck on which the Head of the Family turns. :)

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Well my parents are separated now but both of them worked full time and my mom hardly took the traditional housewife role - cooking, cleaning...she isn't good in the kitchen and aside from laundry, she will not do chores. Seeing as my mom never needed to rely on my dad for financial support, he was hardly the "head of the family." She was, however, the primary caretaker of me. So actually, if anything, my mom DID become the "leader" because she took care of me 7 days a week. She was MY leader. Lol.

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In my parents' marriage, it's a little bit of both. My dad is the spiritual leader of the marriage and by extension the rest of the family just as the Bible commands. He's the one who leads in prayer, reading the Bible together and responsible for the overall spiritual well being of the family. On day to day stuff though, my mom usually makes the decisions like what to have for dinner, where to go for vacation and what we do for family time. It's not because my mom insists on making these decisions, it's because my dad doesn't care about the details :)

As for my own marriage, I want to follow a biblical marriage. The Bible calls wives to submit to their husbands and husbands to love and cherish their wives as Jesus loves His church. A lot of people get all up in arms these days about submission, but suffice to say the biblical context is much different than how submission is viewed in the modern world. It does not mean force or being the boss over our wives, but rather a wife should trust her husband enough to allow him to lead and protect her. Husbands are also called to lay down their lives for his wife and children if need be. But to answer your question, I will make most of the important decisions only after consulting the advice of my wife. But that may also depend on our situation like if she was an accountant, then it would probably be best if she handled finances. But my wife will definitely be the one who keeps me in line and makes sure I'm being a good husband :)

As far as "good cop/bad cop" is concerned, I don't necessarily think it's always related to who's the head or neck. I don't think I can really answer that until I know my future wife's personality. I think I'd be most likely be a good cop because I'm generally more laid back and easy going. Although I really want to be more strict and disciplined with my kids to make up for my relatively carefree upbringing. But we'll see I guess.

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I believe in rules and consequences and all for children, but I don't think I'd necessarily be a "bad cop." Not sure if a cop has a place in a family ... hmmm. I would be head of the household because I think it's the responsibility of the husband and that marriages work better that way. But I do think all decisions should be discussed and arrived at on a mutual basis. I know some husbands take that responsibility and abuse it, becoming dictators in essence. I think if marriage was a ship, the husband would be the captain in charge of the destination and the wife would be plotting the course and giving orders. I think that makes sense.

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I think I'd see my husband as the head of the household. I'm not that great at being in charge...

Oh, about the word "submission". When you look at the verse out of context "Wives, submit to your husbands", then it seems pretty harsh. But if you look at what the word means, then look at the verse in the context of the rest of the passage, it makes a lot more sense. The word "submit" to something means "to put yourself under the mission" of something. So, "Wives, put yourselves under the mission of your husbands". So...what's the mission of husbands? Well, it's in the verses right after it: "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves His Church". Sounds pretty good to me...

xxx

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Remember also that in the verses telling women to submit, men are also told to love their wives as Christ loved the church.

Which is harder?

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I'm sorry, but i would be one of those people. I am so uncomfortable with that word! and i reckon if you were a woman you would understand why. And i know a lot of independent women would take issue with it's biblical meaning. If not for the word "submission" i may not have such a problem with the biblical meaning but just that word turns me off the whole concept.

I totally know what you mean. Even as a man, I'm not particularly fond of the word but I think our dislike for it is greatly influenced by culture's view on submission. Personally, I prefer the term "lead." When we think of submission, we think master and slave or oppression, which is totally not what the Bible is saying at all. Like Jegsy said, it means "to be under the mission." A husband's mission is to love his wife as Christ loves the Church. What did Jesus love His Church? By serving and leading His Church. He washed the feet of his disciples, which completely challenged the culture's view of a leader's role. It was an act of humility and servitude and that is how a husband should treat his wife. Husbands are called to lead and no woman should allow a man to do that unless he proves he is worthy of that trust.

I'd be happy to build him up in front of the kids and have him be the pinnacle of the final decisions. As long as behind the scenes my opinions and decisions are held in the highest regard.

I think the worst thing a wife can do is remain silent and passive. That would be a disrespectful wife because she would essentially be enabling her husband to rule over her. I want my future wife to have a strong mind of her own and her words will have the greatest influence over me second only to God.

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Husbands are called to lead and no woman should allow a man to do that unless he proves he is worthy of that trust.

I agree. If my husband is a worthy, respectable man with admirable traits, honesty, and loyalty, then he would make a great "leader" of the family. I am a stubborn girl but I absolutely always respect those who have earned my respect. While I would hardly be the "submissive" wife, I am not the dominating type either. In a proper partnership two people must work equally, but equal contribution does not mean doing the same thing. I would expect, however, to have primary decisions over how to raise our children (especially if I am a stay-at-home mom.)

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Everything is gonna be a 100% effort from the both of us :) I think men and women both have their weaknesses but have strengths in different ways. I would seek out his feelings on every important decision. I would hope he would want to too. In marriage, we're basically one, right? So making a decision together would always be the best thing. We're both gonna have to do some compromising / sacrificing. But thats no big deal when communication is good, feelings are paid attention to, and you love each other.

Itll be more of a patriarch though. He'll be the head of the household, the one who ultimately chooses (after consulting with me of course) and follows through with the decisions. Im pretty sure the guy Id be marrying would be pretty like-minded in things, so nothing TOO major. Im pretty laid back and open to a lot of stuff as well.

We're both gonna be good cops :P we'll agree on how we raise, structure, and discipline our kids during and way before we have em.

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I'd want to hear my wifes thoughts and opinions on things but at the end of the day I'd make sure we do whats best for the kids (obviously I'd take my wifes needs into consideration but as a parent its your job to always do whats best for your little ones)

So I'd say patriachy but willing to listen to wifes thoughts, feelings and I would ask for her opinion on things and not just dictate to her after all I'm not a mind reader but to be honest ummming and ahhhing will lead me to make the choice for her if she can't make a dicision... Seriously if I have to hear one more couple with the what do you want to eat? I don't know what do you want to eat? I don't mind it up to you... Seriously guys just take the lead and pick something and tell her your going to eat at x, y, z this convasation is so not happening in my marriage... If she can't decide then I will, I'm not gonna let my wife (or myself) starve to death that wouldn't make me a very good husband would it :D

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the way i grew up made me realize that kids won't be damaged by a hands-off approach. of course, some may need it more than others, but my house has no leader and my parents involve themselves very little in my personal affairs and i'm fine: i have a good sense of the world around me and have had some success, making it near the top of my class so far. also, i have not killed my siblings or been killed, despite that my parents have been too passive to correctly punish and discipline us.

that being said, as long as i find someone ideologically similar to me and who is similarly balanced in temper(can be the active presence sometimes and the passive at others), i don't see the need for a head. neither of us has any right to a higher position over the other regarding the governance of our children(..though if one HAD to be chosen, i don't know why the father would be chosen before the mother: she contributed more to their being and the mother-child bond is often most fundamental to the family's structure). i'd favor a team structure to a governmental structure effecting my personal life.

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