AliceInRavenclaw

Getting tougher to Wait -- Help?

19 posts in this topic

All right, I haven't been on this site for a long time. Life got crazy. (I don't know if anyone would even remember me, but it doesn't matter. I'm sure everyone who is here now is awesome!) And I've been back and forth as to whether I even ought to be on here anymore because I started thinking about giving up.

Long story short, I'm 24 and in the first relationship of my life. I've dated before, and "done stuff" but just not that. (So maybe some people don't consider that still being a virgin -- but I do...)

I am having so much trouble right now. He is not a Waiter, by any means, but he has been so sweet and patient. We've only been going out for about 4 months, but seeing as how he is in his early thirties and definitely not used to waiting, it is very difficult for him. I care about him a lot, and think if we were together longer, I might fall in love with him, but I'm not there yet.

I told him right off the bat that I want to Wait, so it wasn't a surprise. And for awhile, he said he was really glad and thought it was a good thing for us to wait. But I could tell as time has gone on that it was becoming an issue, and he asks a lot if I'm sure I don't want to. Not really pressuring, just hoping, you know? He always says he wants me to want to do it, he doesn't want me to give in for any wrong reason. And I've told him that sometimes I'm not even sure I want to get married, but I at LEAST want to be in love, and I'm not yet. And he says he doesn't want to say he loves me just to try to get me to have sex (how lucky am I to have found someone like that?!)

BUT... we were having a relationship talk the other night, and he said that he understands and respects my beliefs, but they aren't his, and he isn't sure what is right for him. I asked if he was saying that the only way we'd stay together is if I have sex with him, and he said No, that isn't it. He just isn't sure if he can really wait, I guess. Especially since who knows how long we would be waiting.

I guess I'm just looking for support. I need the good reasons for waiting reiterated to me, because I honestly don't want to give in. I'm not ready, even if I would change my mind down the line.

I am not religious, so the only reasons I wait are things like... precautionary measure against STDS, babies, etc; because I believe it is special and I don't want to waste it; I think it's dirty to be with too many people; and mostly because I want someone to love me so much that they don't need sex, it is just a bonus that we get to share because we love each other, but we are so in love with each other's hearts and minds that if we couldn't have sex we'd still be together. LOL! I realize that if I said that to any non-Waiter, they would think my expectations are ridiculously high, but I think you all will understand.

I know I'm not going to give in and have sex just to save this relationship, but I just wonder sometimes if I'm missing out on being a sexual being. I feel like being someone who Waits makes me rare and if I give in I wouldn't have that anymore. It would just be mundane, common sex that doesn't mean as much.

I'm really glad to have this website though. I hope I didn't ramble too much and someone, anyone, can understand my issues.

Thanks. :)

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If he can't wait and you want to wait then something has to give. Either one of you changes your mind or you break up. Simple as that.

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Right. Like I said, as far as this relationship goes, I know I'm not going to give in just to keep him. That would be a bad idea.

I guess I'm not asking anything in particular. I just want someone to understand that I no longer know if waiting is a good idea...and I want someone to tell me why it is.

I'm just lost, a little bit.

I think I just wonder what would happen if I stopped waiting. Would I hate myself? Would I decide that sex with one person was enough and now I really do want to wait? Will I become someone different? I think the reason I am so in doubt of Waiting is because I'm afraid I will never, ever find anyone willing to Wait with me. OR, that I will decide I don't want to get married, and then what am I waiting for? And then I am terrified that if I do decide not to wait, I will lose my V and then all of a sudden meet someone who was also Waiting, and now they don't want me as much because I didn't Wait.

The rest of you think these things too, right? There are other doubters?

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I think we've all doubted our path at some point in time. It's all part of going against the popular trend these days. Society tells us we're old fashioned, waiting is unrealistic in today's world and if you're a girl, you'll never find a guy who will wait for you. Well, society is wrong. There are many people who are waiting than you realized, but it's downplayed because it's not the norm anymore. I've often wondered if I was holding myself back and missing out, but those doubts don't last long. The chance of never marrying is very slim since most people get married so you may have to wait a bit but I think you'll have no regrets if you did. On the other hand, if you gave in I think chances are you will regret it because I totally would. Remember that you give in, you can't take it back. I for one would rather stick to my principles than to do something I know I will regret for the rest of my life.

I encourage you to continue to wait and I know it will all be worth it someday :)

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Long story short, I'm 24 and in the first relationship of my life.

If this is the first relationship in your life, I wouldn't even think about it.

He is not a Waiter, by any means, but he has been so sweet and patient.

Sweet and patient compared to waiting is about as important as driftwood washed up on the beach.

but seeing as how he is in his early thirties and definitely not used to waiting, it is very difficult for him.

Over 30? That must be so difficult. I hope you know CPR. Keep in mind that there are guys over 50 and beyond who are still waiting. I would hope that you wouldn't rip your clothes off and be willing to have sex with one of us on the first date. :)

I care about him a lot, and think if we were together longer, I might fall in love with him, but I'm not there yet.

Caring about someone and being in love with someone are totally different. I would highly recommend being in love and married first.

But I could tell as time has gone on that it was becoming an issue, and he asks a lot if I'm sure I don't want to.

That would have been my signal to bail out.

(how lucky am I to have found someone like that?!)

To be blunt, he doesn't sound too special to me.

Especially since who knows how long we would be waiting.

I don't have an "expiration date" on my waiting. 1 year, 5 years, 20 years - it doesn't matter.

but I just wonder sometimes if I'm missing out on being a sexual being.

We are all sexual beings, whether we've had sex or not.

I feel like being someone who Waits makes me rare and if I give in I wouldn't have that anymore. It would just be mundane,

And your chances of finding that rare guy will fall drastically.

It sounds like he's got one thing on his mind. I would drop him and move on to a real man who knows what self control is all about.

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John Morgan, no offense, and maybe you didn't mean to come off this way, but you sort of sound mean. Like, I know its the internet and hard to tell where people are coming from, so maybe you weren't trying to be, but there's really no need to be harsh. I said I wasn't going to have sex with him just to save the relationship.

I just want to know about other people's doubts. A little kind reassurance that I'm doing the right thing by waiting.

Plus, "chances are he will not want you at all" .... I guess that's the sort of person you are, you only want a virgin. That's fine for you. But I would marry someone even if they weren't a virgin, as long as they wait for me. And if someone didn't want me because I wasn't a virgin, that would be the end of me liking them or thinking they are a kind, accepting person.

I don't know how far you've been, sexually; you don't have to tell me. Maybe you have been almost all the way there. But I will say that in my experience, and from what I've heard from other people, the farther you go, the more difficult it is to stop. The more you do, the more you want. I guess that's what I'm dealing with now, and so is my boyfriend. He is not a jerk, and he is special. I don't fault him for wanting to have sex. That doesn't mean I'm going to give in to him, but I also understand that it is a new and yes, difficult thing for him to wait.

I'm sorry, but I don't need someone to tell me not to have sex with this one. I guess I just want other people's stories of doubt about their choice.

And thanks, markb4!

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Ravenclaw, John Morgan may have been blunt with you but he is right. You waiter girls are uncommon but us waiter guys are pretty rare. You may want to listen because from my male friends on this site most of us agree that we are firmly holding out for another waiter girl. I'm not going to tell you to sleep with him, or not sleep with him. It is your decision.

The consequences of doing it though will cut deep into your chances with the pool of waiter guys out there though should you ever find yourself single again. You can never say never with relationships but you would be giving away something most of us would kill for and quite frankly don't really think a non-waiter guy even deserves.

Best of luck and do some soul searching.

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I said I wasn't going to have sex with him just to save the relationship.

I just want to know about other people's doubts. A little kind reassurance that I'm doing the right thing by waiting.

I'm sorry, but I don't need someone to tell me not to have sex with this one. I guess I just want other people's stories of doubt about their choice.

I know what you mean, Alice! Sometims it's nice just to have reassurance that you're not the only one. Just a little encouragement can be really helpful!

I've been there before, too! I'll rethink my choice and then catch myself-like holy crap, I've waited this long, I'm not gonna give up now!! The only time I rethink is if I really care about someone-I could never with someone who I don't have feelings for.

Sometimes it honestly helps to think of the end goal: imagining it being your wedding and being so excited that you finally really did wait and have the rest of your lives together. That is motivating for me. I want to be able to say that on that first night-that my husband is the first and only guy I'll ever be with--it'll be special between us :)

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From your messages and my interpretation of it, I share some of your insecurities. I am not waiting for religious reasons (although I would broadly call myself a Christian). Nor does it matter to me at all if my hypothetical wife waited or not. I would personally find it slightly upsetting if a girl (who had also waited), chose me because I had waited (or rather that entered her decision), as I think that I have so much more to offer than this one detail. I want them to want me for me and not for any other reason. From my perspective, I do appreciate the benefits of not waiting and I can understand why people have not chosen this choice. I do not think waiting is for everyone, but it is for me - but why?

At the end of the day I want to and more importantly I know that I want to. Yes, I do question absolutely everything using rational reasoning, but still on the emotional level I know I want to wait. I recognise there are things that I want from life and the reasoning is no better than I simply want them. I want to write a series of fantasy books (but I do not want to publish them), I want build my own house (yet I think a professional could do a better job), I want to produce my own honey (but it is easier to buy it from the store) etc. I do not know why I want them on the rational level fully yet (the same goes with waiting), but I do know that I want them enough to be willing to put in the hard work to achieve them. When the hard work comes (as with anything worth having requires work) I always think, why did I do this, it is not worth it, it is a mistake, I do not want this, this is wrong for x,y,&z. Yet I get on and do it because I have decided to do it and giving up would be intolerable. But when it has all been done and looking back in hindsight - successes and failures alike - I have never once (up till now) thought it was not worth doing. The problem I have sometimes is remembering that when I am doing the hard work .

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Hi AliceinRavenclaw, I havent met you before.

My initial reaction when I saw the topic of your conversation was "phew someone else is finding this very very hard". You are definitely not alone in that boat.

From reading your post, I do not think you should be reconsidering your stance on WTM. You have only been dating this guy for 4 months and you say you do not love him. Furthermore, he says he doesnt . want to say "I love you" to you in case this puts you under pressure, I think that this means that he doesnt love you yet, if he did I dont think he would have said that because it would make it pretty awkward for him to say it if he was planning to do so in the near future. Therefore I do not think that it would be wise to consider sleeping with this guy or changing your beliefs on the basis of this relationship.

Im sorry if that sounded a bit blunt. To give you a better idea of where Im coming from I should let you know that I too had severe doubts about waiting after being in a relationship with an older guy who had had long term relationships in his past. He used to talk quite a bit about how difficult he found waiting for me to be. At the time I told myself that it was valid for him to express these feelings and I should be a good girlfriend and listen to him and be understanding. What I didnt realise at the time was that all these talks made me feel like there was a whole lot of pressure on me to sleep with him. I also felt that the constant talks were stunting the development of the relationship as there seemed to be a big elephant in the room the whole time. This in turn made me feel like my waiting status was a major problem for the progression of the relationship and when the relationship eventually ended I had internalised these feelings so much that I got into a headspace where I felt that it was totally unreasonable of me to expect a guy to wait for me and that I would never be capable of having a proper long term relationship with a sweet and caring non-waiter (because I fully believed I'd never find a waiter). These feelings made me very unhappy as they were going against one of my core beliefs and I eventually got so low that I had to pull myself out of it and realise that I would be more happy being single and waiting than to compromise my beliefs in a relationship.

I dont know how relevant all of the above is to your situation but I think you are doubting yourself and your beliefs because you have this guy who you like but who is constantly brining up waiting as an obstacle to the development of your relationship (even to the point where he cant say "I love you"). I do think that this is putting huge pressure on you to reconsider your beliefs (whether he is manipulating you or doing this subconsciously I cant tell without knowing you both personally).

You probably know that if a guy loves you, you will be more important to him than sex. You deserve this in a relationship and if this guy cannot give you this then he isnt the one for you. He may come around and realise that you are worth the wait. But you need to see that he feels this way. How could you marry and/or sleep with a guy who doesnt have you as his number 1 priority?

Perhaps you need to put a ban on the "waiting talks" for a while. Ask him to refrain from talking about it with you for say a four week period as you are feeling slightly pressurised by talking about it frequently. This should allow you both to conduct your relationship more naturally (i.e. go on dates and have fun without serious talks cropping up the whole time) and give him time to decide what he wants.

Whatever you do, please dont do what I did and internalise his words so you feel that waiting is the problem. Waiting is not a problem in the context of a loving relationship.

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AliceinRavenClaw! I second what everyone else has said on here. Honey, you are not alone dear, promise! My guy is a waiter and I am waiter as well. It helps but it's still hard so I understand that being with a man that is not a waiter is an even more difficult task. I wish you the best of luck in your waiting journey Alice and hope you make the best choice for you because you have held your V-card this long and to give it away for what may or may not last is very risky. You can only give it away once dear, use it wisely.

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Hey AlicinRavenClaw:

It's always going to get harder to wait. You reach a point where you are comfortable and you trust the person and that alleviates your pressure or fear of waiting. Suddenly it seems like it would be okay to be intimate because your bond is stronger. Sometimes we believe in what we don't fully understand. And we all do it. You may decide to have sex, and it would probably be great, but who know what happens as your relationship continues. People change, goals change, directions change. The best advice I can give you is don't settle. Furthermore to what evincebal said: You only have one virginity and that gift will be gone for the rest of your life. You can choose to do whatever you want, You are a human and you can convince yourself the right thing is to settle, but a time passes you would probably regret it. Don't settle because when you settle, you both lose part of what you had. Stay strong, stay focused, and believe in tomorrow. There is a quote I feel applies to this very situation. I will change it a bit but this is it: "Someday you will find someone who makes you feel like the wait was worth it and you'll be happy why it never worked out with anyone else." Now I don't mean that you your relationship, but to the act of waiting. One day you will find that person and know it was worth the wait, and you'll be glad you chose to wait because you're glad it worked out with them.

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I guess that's the sort of person you are, you only want a virgin.

No. It's the kind of person I am. When I first joined this little community, it was called "Waiting Till Marriage" and I understood that as applying to both girls and guys. I'm a guy and not ashamed of it.

I don't know how far you've been, sexually; you don't have to tell me. Maybe you have been almost all the way there.

Alice Claws dear, I haven't even gotten in the car.

I guess I just want other people's stories of doubt about their choice.

Okay - I've never had any doubt about waiting.

I do kindly encourage you to wait

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Plus, "chances are he will not want you at all"

Alice - I actually said "and your chances of finding that right guy will fall drastically." Honesty is a trait I think most all single people, waiting or not, look at when selecting a mate. And I stand by what I said. As jeffinity told you and as about 99% of other guys who are waiting will tell you, it will "cut deep into your chances with the pool of waiter guys out there should you ever find yourself single again." That may sound blunt or even hurtful. I'm just being honest with you.

One of the main reasons I'm waiting is psychologically. If I decided not to wait, it would probably send me into a state of something like post-traumatic stress disorder. And I don't want to enter a marriage in a state of mind that would lessen the chances of it working out in the long run.

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Hey girl! I'm 22, and married to my dream prince who did wait till our wedding night. Now, he is a Christian, and so am I. I'm gonna tell you right off the bat, waiting till marriage is more than being "religious." It's about being right in God's sight. He made the concept because He's a loving Father that knows outside of marriage it just brings pain and destruction, literally (click here for stats http://betterthanedward.com/sex-stats/). You have to understand it's not about being a no-fun God that's just some mean dictator. He cares and loves us so much, the Bible says He collects every tear we drop, He weeps with us. His heart breaks when ours do. He loves His children dearly and that's why He has these commands that are intended to protect us. Not only that, but the Bible says, "But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.â€-Revelation 21:8. Don't have sex before marriage, because it's immoral in God's sight and rebellion toward Him that will literally land you a spot in hell unless you turn away from it and put your trust in Jesus, choosing to love Him more than yourself because He loved you more than Himself when He died for you on that cross. I wanted to have sex before marriage, until I got so heart-broken for the fourth time that I cried out to God on my bed one night, and after He answered, decided to begin reading the New Testament and to seek Him with the same diligence and effort I'd put into my relationship with my ex. What happened? In six days I stopped crying and was smiling, filled with joy, not caring that I was single. My mom thought I was nuts, but God mended my heart, and Jesus became the lover of my heart, and my true heart's desire. He ended up bringing the man who is now my husband into my life less than two weeks after I finally gave my whole heart over to Him. So not having sex before marriage is a command from the God of the Universe, the one who knit you together in love, because of His love for you. Trust Him, and you'll be strong enough to keep holdin' on until that real prince comes that honors your Heavenly father and you, his precious daughter, by waiting till your wedding day.

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I kinda look at it this way. If you have built up in your head for SO long to wait, that's not gonna go away. I mean you can subdue your desire to wait, hide it under a pillow, but I think if you made the decision to wait at one point in your life and you actually committed yourself to it, then you won't really be able to bear turning your back on what you once believed.

I have thought this before. Sometimes I'm like "I've haven't had any sexual experience. How do I know that it's really 'that special'?" or "Yeah waiting for marriage is great, but love is still good", but then I think of the commitment I made to myself to wait and as much as I try to justify not waiting, I know waiting was something I wanted to do! It's like really craving spaghetti all day. I mean all day! You want it so bad and you get excited around dinner time cause you know you will have it! But then instead there is only steak. And you don't eat red meat... But like red meat isn't that bad and you are hungry. So you eat the steak and even if it's the BEST steak out there, I just don't think it will be as gratifying because you actually wanted the spaghetti.Spaghetti was your 1st chpice...and even prime rib won't satisfy your craving. Now even if you do find the spaghetti restaurant after you leave the steak place, you will regret you now have steak on your pallet.

Sorry if you don't get this analogy. This is my general form of communication. Hope I helped!

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I have thought this before. Sometimes I'm like "I've haven't had any sexual experience. How do I know that it's really 'that special'?" or "Yeah waiting for marriage is great, but love is still good", but then I think of the commitment I made to myself to wait and as much as I try to justify not waiting, I know waiting was something I wanted to do!

I want to back this up. Waiting is about your decision. It is about your beliefs and your desires. Waiting is more about you than it is about any given relationship/boyfriend. It is about knowing what your own heart desires and committing to yourself that you will not settle for anything less. It isnt something you should throw away because of a new situation of new relationship, it is something that you are doing for yourself. Dont give up on that because if you truly in your heart of hearts believe that waiting is right for you, then you will bitterly regret going back on that promise to yourself.

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