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LonelyKnight

Dealing With Non-WTM Friends

7 posts in this topic

Let's face it. Most of us are here because we stand for something. We're holding a banner, standing against the stream, choosing a different path because we believe it to be nobler and purer and, in the end, more worthwhile.

One of the reasons we're all here is because we find so little to identify with in the rest of the world that goes to bed with anyone possessing a functional and complementary set of genitals.

How do you cope with these, your friends who abandon you?

Because abandonment it is...to me. I have known a great many friends, especially Christians who should know better, who do know better. People who I've even attempted to strengthen and encourage and coax because I know they are not in the same place I am.

They've fallen.

Almost all of them.

I have conversations with most of my friends. Deep conversations. I ask them how they're actually doing. Do you remember when Mike wrote this?

You pursue closeness and meaning in every relationship you have — platonic or otherwise. Now, this doesn’t mean that you will get deep meaning out of every relationship…just that you will try to get it. You will rarely be comfortable with a friendship or a dating relationship in which you don’t get to know the person very well. You will pull the maximum potential out of every relationship. Sometimes that won’t amount to much. Sometimes it will amount to everything.

That's me and, I suspect, a lot of you. And that's why a lot of times, I find out about the sexual pasts of nearly all my Christian friends. People trust me and talk to me, and frankly, in my quest to find kindred hearts, I will ask people if they went all the way.

I know of only a few friends who did not. And somehow, their actions strike me as betrayal. It began with a close friend, one I did not have a romantic attraction or attachment to, but one who I felt was like a sister. I encouraged her to remain strong, and was devastated to learn she had fallen. I have since made similar discoveries about many, many other friends. Those close to me tell me I've changed since then. I am sadder and less cheery, having seen the darkness and poor decisions of friends.

Tell me...am I the only one here who deals with these issues? Or does everyone simply acknowledge this is a consequence of living in the world and accept it for what it is?

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It began with a close friend, one I did not have a romantic attraction or attachment to, but one who I felt was like a sister. I encouraged her to remain strong, and was devastated to learn she had fallen.

I have known so many like this and it will take its toll on you if you let it. In a way I see when it happens to someone as if a little bit of them died and me and whoever have a little less in common. If it is a friend of the opposite sex it will hit you even harder because a lot of us will forever cross them off our lists as possibilities for ourselves. That is just the way it is and every choice has far reaching consequences.

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"How do you cope with these, your friends who abandon you? "

Back when I was younger and in college, there may have been a few people who jumped the boat because of my values. But in the last 25-30 years, I've never known of a friend who abandoned me because of my WTM.

"You will pull the maximum potential out of every relationship" (Mike)

I can see where that may be true for most people who are WTM. But since marriage is not in my plans, instead of pulling, I try to do the maximum amount I can for friends who need help and are struggling. A lot of times it doesn't feel like it's enough. Many of my closest lady friends are 70+ yo and lost their husbands years ago. They're dealing with life and death issues. I have deep conversations with them as well, conversations they wouldn't have with anybody else. Just knowing that they trust me does help to give me a sense of purpose.

"Or does everyone simply acknowledge this is a consequence of living in the world...?" Yes, I've accepted it's a consequence of living in this world. Not only do I hear about younger people in my area who make that mistake, but the vast majority of married couples are not faithful to each other.

"...and accept it for what it is?" In terms of not trying to make a change, I don't accept it for what it is. No matter how dark the world gets, I'm always willing to counsel younger people about the importance of WTM, especially around the time of high school graduation. If I can get one person to realize the far reaching consequences of their choices, I think it's worth it. I don't reject them when they fall, but I'm always disappointed.

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I have no friends who are waiters but I only have one friend who has slept with more than one person. She's the only close friend I have who has had sex. I'm 19, went to an all-girls school...so all but one of my friends are virgins, and all but one of my friends are conservative. My absolute best friend ever is a virgin, but at age 18 she did get into a second-base relationship with a much, much older man. He was her first kiss, and while they didn't have any forms of sex, I was still horrified and disgusted beyond belief (due to the age difference.) She is opposed to sex before age 20 and so far retains the "sex is for love only" belief that I do. But if she ever broke that belief I would definitely feel betrayed and hurt. It's inevitable. Plus I am very protective of her, and I know she would feel the exact same shock and disbelief if I ever broke my values towards sex.

The friend I previously mentioned who has slept with more than one person is a very close friend I have had since I was 10. She is two years younger than me...but I always knew she was going to be a wild teenager. When she lost her virginity at age 15 (in a loving relationship, thankfully,) I was relieved she had waited that long. She has slept with three guys: one in a serious relationship, one was completely casual (she admits it was a mistake,) and one started off casual but they already really liked each other and it became serious (now over.) With her I didn't care at all because that's just the kind of person she is. But she is fiercely loyal to her friends and boyfriends, and was incredibly careful with birth control.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: all of my friends are non-WTM but as long as they are loyal to me, are safe with their bodies, and are learning from their mistakes, there isn't anything I can do except listen, give advice if I can, and be a good friend. That's what they'd do for me.

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sophie is proof that people can disagree on something so core to one's beliefs and still get along; even be great friends. if some have chosen to completely abandon you because they couldn't reconcile your differences, they were likely either too immature to handle the situation or were never good friends from the start. but then, maybe there is a point when people are simply too different to do more than tolerate each other. maybe they were so passionate about taking the antagonistic view that you became a foe to them. whatever it is, i think it's a natural response for some that is to be expected and accepted.

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This is how I interpreted some aspects of the previous conservations. I presuming that the sense of betrayal is coming from the idea of a friend accepting the same value as yourself, you giving that friend all the support that you could / or the agreement that you are both doing something together made you closer and then they have compromised that value by choosing to abandon it. And the salt in the wounds is that someone you genuinely care about has done something which you think is wrong and you think that they end up regretting it in the future as it would have a detrimental impact on their life (and they believed that once).

None of my now close friends are waiters and they all had already had sex before I met them at university. With my close school friends, we never talked about such things so I would not know. So if I have understood you right, I would take the approach of free will - which everyone has and while you want the best for your friends, it is ultimately their life and their decision. And I feel a friend should support and respect their decision (no matter how much it hurts you) for better or for worse, because you cannot do any thing else and that is what loyal friends do.

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sophie is proof that people can disagree on something so core to one's beliefs and still get along; even be great friends.

It's definitely possible. I'm a Jewish Atheist and my friend since age 9 is an Orthodox Christian. And I have one teen friend who has slept with 3 people and was into the drinking/parting/drug scene but we remained best friends because we accepted each other's differences and never judged each other. And I had a friend (arguably my best and closest friend,) who had her first relationship at age 18 with a 38-year-old man (but never got sexual or anything.)

It can be quite hard when your friends think and do things you would NEVER do and are very much against, but if I had dropped these three girls because of a religious difference, lifestyle difference, and relationship mistake, I would have lost my 3 best friends. None of them have a problem with these differences and neither do I. We have too much of a history together - lots of memories and lots of other stuff in common. If your friendship can't handle differences, you may have to evaluate how close you really are.

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