TJam

I've Hurt My Fiance Please Help

4 posts in this topic

I am in need of some help. I am in a relationship (recently got engaged) and I love my fiance. She is the light of my life and I know that she is my soulmate. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else, and I know God has shown me that she is the one. Both of us have a sexual history with other partners, but mine was definitely worse. I have always wanted to be happily married to one woman and one woman only for my whole life. However, most of my past relationships were very brief. Due to this, I was naive in the area of long term relationships and it has caused me to hurt my fiance in many ways.

I was at first very open about my past, in fact too open to the point where she became angry with me. Because of this when confronted with women I knew and questioned about my past with them, I lied or tried to brush it off because I knew it would upset her, which was obviously a horrible and wrong thing to do. I can’t fully explain why I did it, I feel that I had been a liar in the past so unfortunately my knee jerk reaction in pressure situations was to do just that.

As well, in our early days of dating I shared with her that I had watched pornography while we were dating. This is something that I had struggled with since my teenage years. I had always wanted it out of my life, but could never seem to do it. When I told her about it she explained to me that to her, it is no different than cheating and I agree with her. Because of her I no longer watch pornography.

As well, one of my ex’s is of a different race. This has given my fiance lots of doubt in that she is even the “type†of woman I want. I try to reassure her that even though I was attracted to a woman of a different race at one point it does not mean I have some sort of preference to a certain race of person. It is still hard for her to believe this because she is attracted only to men of my race.

Early in our relationship I still had a facebook account. I am part of a network marketing company, so I try to keep open ties to people in case of possible business in the future. I had also lied to my fiance about going to coffee’s with other girls because I thought it would upset her, which again I know was wrong. I have had my facebook account deactive for the past 6 months and I reactivated it today to remove everything from my pages and permanently delete it. When I did this, she viewed my wall on her phone and became upset about women writing on it from before I had deactivated it, but while we were still dating. That is why I am writing you now because we just had one of our biggest fights about that.

I feel like such a horrible person because of all of these problems. Because of my horrible decisions in the past and early in our relationship I cause the woman I love most in this world a lot of pain.

I’m not asking for sympathy or a message talking about what we both can change. I am the one who wronged her, and I need to know what I can do to show her that I love her more than anything on earth, I would do anything for her, and no woman in my past, present, or future will ever, ever change that. I know the main reason I am still hurting her is because I broke her trust. I know this may take years or even a lifetime to restore, but I am willing to go through all of that for her.

If you can offer any guidance (scripture to read) it would be most appreciated.

Thank you

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Hi TJam, welcome to the WTM.org forum. First let me say thank you for sharing your story and it's obvious you want to make things right with this woman whom you love more than anything. I think that is very commendable. Here are some of my thoughts.

A reoccurring theme I'm seeing here is honesty. You asked what you can do to show her that you love her, I think a good place to start is to be completely open and honest with things like the facebook and the sexual history issues. Admit that you weren't being honest and tell her the truth. I know that the truth can hurt, but lies hurt even more and it comes with the loss of trust. It would be up to her whether she feels she can trust and forgive. A good marriage has to be grounded in honesty and trust.

Secondly, I mean no disrespect to your fiance, but the race issue is a bizarre one to me. For her to bring up the issue makes it seem like she is the one who has issues with race and not you. All I'm trying to say is that perhaps there is an underlying insecurity on her part that she needs to work on because that one is out of your control.

Lastly, God has already forgiven you for your past. All you need to do is to forgive yourself and hope your fiance has the grace to forgive as well. In the Book of John, Jesus said, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw the stone at her." You and your fiance as well as the rest of us are sinners and especially in a marriage, being able to forgive each other for the past is essential. I hope things work out for you and your fiance.

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I can honestly say i wouldnt stick around with someone who is as insecure as she is. If she's bothered by the fact that you dated someone of a different ethnicity then that's her own personal issue and she shouldn't shove that false guilt down your throat. Same goes with her jealousy of being around other women; jealousy is NOT healthy in a relationship. If you two stick together then you're going to have to deal with her insecurities until death or divorce do you two apart.

In her defense with her insecurities, a lot of that was most likely caused by you lying to her. Whenever a girl I'm dating lies to me, about either the biggest or the smallest of things, I don't let the relationship carry on; I just cut it off. However, I know everyone is different and from what it sounds like you truly love her. My advice: I guess from now on you're just going to have to be open an honest about the biggest and the smallest of things if you want to stay together with her. But if you do that and that's not enough for her then that's her problem.

Pre-marital counseling is a good idea as well, man.

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Hey TJam!

Sorry about missing your comment on that article (I was going to reply, I swear), but I'm glad you decided to post here so you can get feedback from more people than just me!

I agree with what Vince and LivingTheDream said totally: You need to stop feeling bad about it, lying makes the problem worse, and your fiance has some serious insecurity issues (you shouldn't put ALL of this problem on yourself...it's partially her problem too).

Also remember that technically, besides the lying, you haven't actually done anything wrong. All of her issues are with things you did before you met her. Don't beat yourself up too badly about that.

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