Have you had the chance?

[Jeffinity 89]

I'm wondering if any of you guys/girls have had the chance to be intimate with someone and passed it by because of your commitment to waiting. It seems like something that would be interesting to listen to with each of your stories. I myself have had 2 girlfriends that I am positive were still virgins while I was dating them. Each of them i'm very sure I could have taken it from them if I had wanted and both were very serious relationships lasting about a year each.

The first was a girl named Kim, when I was about 18 and she was in a HS club with me but we didn't start seeing each other until after graduation. She was very sweet and I don't think she was a waiter but still had the gift to give and was kind of eager to give it actually. The second was actually very recent and the relationship only ended around the turn of this year. It still is a tough pill to swallow because I was about to turn 31 and she was almost 21. I really had a hard time passing up that chance because at my age I can't be sure that I will have another opportunity to be with someone innocent. I hope like you couldn't believe that it wasn't my last chance.

Still, it wasn't easy but i'm glad I made the choice not to take it away from them. Mostly because I am praying so hard that my future wife will appreciate it of me because it sure wasn't easy. Us guys really have to battle the urges like you girls could not possibly understand.

[Sophie 1,278]

Not yet! Well I've been offered sex twice by one drunk university guy in my dorm and another man on the street offered to pay me for sex. Does that count? Lol.

I'm 19, and at the age of 11 I decided not to date until age 20 (minimum.) I'm not looking forward to saying "no." I've never been the slightest bit tempted into sex, but I'm pretty sure it's only a tiny bit easier (maybe) for us than it is for males to resist when it's someone we truly like/love.

[Jeffinity 89]

Not yet! Well I've been offered sex twice by one drunk university guy in my dorm and another man on the street offered to pay me for sex. Does that count? Lol.

I'm 19, and at the age of 11 I decided not to date until age 20 (minimum.) I'm not looking forward to saying "no." I've never been the slightest bit tempted into sex, but I'm pretty sure it's only a tiny bit easier (maybe) for us than it is for males.

I'm glad you replied because your other posts yesterday seemed to indicate that you really wouldn't care if a guy had tried to resist those temptations. That is part of the reason I made this topic to show just how hard and conflicting those feelings are. If I had known that 90% of women waiters wouldn't have even cared had I slept with them. I probably would do it if I had the chance to do it all over again. Why bother if I could still years later when I am done having my fun I could still settle down with someone still innocent.

[Invincible 7,989]

Mostly because I am praying so hard that my future wife will appreciate it of me because it sure wasn't easy. Us guys really have to battle the urges like you girls could not possibly understand.

Huge understatement. Some girls make fun of and sometimes even become angry at guys because they think we're all pigs who only have sex in the mind. The guys who actually sleep around and jump from girl to girl may deserve criticism, but for us guys who are waiting, the urges can be extremely strong. It's like being on the brink of starvation and you desperately want food.

Anyways, I sort of had an opportunity once, though I didn't know it was an opportunity until much later. Warning: A bit graphic. A few years ago, my good friend's brother invited me to his birthday party. He reserved a limo and everyone was going to just cruise around town. I didn't really like my friend's brother so I made up some dumb excuse so I didn't have to go. The day after his birthday, my friend told me that I missed out big time that night. He told me that during the limo ride, a lot of people who attended got really wasted. Three of the really attractive girls were stripped down completely naked and had a threesome. For most guys, this was a dream come true. Eventually, the three girls let the guys feel them up all over their bodies and started grinding on them.

Now I know I have committed myself to waiting my whole life, but there was a part of me that felt jealous and regret not going. I'm not proud of myself for feeling that way at the time. While my mind and my conscience told me no, my body told me yes. The guy in me was bummed for missing the chance to get in on the action. Since I've never had any kind of physical intimacy before, I longed for it and thought I missed out of my only opportunity to get some. I felt like trash and hated myself for even wanting to take part in such a demeaning act. Those girls aren't pieces of meat to be lusted after, they are human beings who deserved respect and I deeply regretted it for regretting not going.

[Guest John Morgan]

Good question Pepper. Maybe 3-4 situations that presented themselves. Don't think they were waiting. Many times when I could have created the situation. I've never been sure what they expected. The first one scared me to death. Oh yes. College hormones, hot babe, walk this way. Wow, hit the brakes John. Sort of made me question my judgement - "How could I have possibly met her?" "What did she see in me - somebody to take advantage of?" The second was actually a singles director for a church. Can I hear one more amen? There have been several "working girls" who have approached me over the years. The last one was in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Just a polite "not tonight darling." They helped me learn what situations not to get in and to realize at what point a girl's attention goes from my charm and intellect to something else. In younger years, in addition to saying no to the physical part, it was not wanting to hurt her feelings or be rejected. For me personally, that was very very difficult. If I'm like most guys, I can certainly tell all the girls here that it is the hardest thing a man can do. In my opinion, much harder than a girl's. Self control does not come cheap. There's blood, sweat, and tears. There's embarrassment. There's heartache. There's sacfice. There's loneliness. To be honest, it gave me a whole different outlook on girls. Rather than being something to lollygag over in big-eyed boyhood wonder, they became something that needed to be studied - to be cautious about.. I had to "learn" them. But I've learned to value myself and my self control over any amount of skin beauty. Today, beauty doesn't count for much. I've almost learned to talk to them without seeing their face, just listening to what they are saying and how it's said. If marriage was ever in my plans, here's what I would wonder about her - I've made it this far and have sacrificed myself on the hot solar surface of this sex-filled world for one person. If you're that person, how can I relate to you? What have you sacrificed? Have you ever stood in the middle of a solar flare and not been burned?

[Mike 1,852]

I've had several long-term relationships with non-waiters...so...yeah. Lots of chances. Plus, after the age of 24, physical intimacy completely loses its formality with most people. When you're young, it's "let's wait until we've been dating for 2 months and then we do it." When you're 25+, it's "Hi I'm Jenny. So are we going to have sex now?"

[Daughter of Jerusalem 22]

_{I'm wondering if any of you guys/girls have had the chance to be intimate with someone and passed it by because of your commitment to waiting. It seems like something that would be interesting to listen to with each of your stories.}

_{No. I have never had the chance to "be intimate with someone and passed it by because of my commitment to waiting". This is mostly likely because I have never dated anyone. Growiing up (in my parents' house) I was not allowed to date and when I went off to college I still did not date. I don't expect this situation to occur any time soon either since I am not really interested in dating.}

[ohmercyme 22]

I had quite a few chances I suppose, especially as a teenager, but none of them would be considered special to me even if I didn't wait, spare one.

When I was 16 I had this friend of a friend who I got close with one summer. Beautiful girl, she had that religion where you don't cut your hair, so I admired her curly brown waist length hair. Her parents hated me (for no good reason) so she used to sneak out of her bedroom window at night and I'd pick her up in the back alley and drive her back to my house. We talked about life, played games, watched movies, all innocent stuff. I think she was just happy to be away from her strict religious rules.

There was nothing sexual during that summer but I look back now and very much see how I could have had the opportunity. Turns out that girl got knocked up by a low life a year later. So if I wasn't a waiter, I probably could have made my move, and it probably would have felt special too, but I also see what a nightmare it would have turned into. Seeing her now on Facebook now...whoa! 200 pounds and three kids later, she is the proud resident of an Alabama trailer park with every stereotype attached.

Dodged that bullet!

[Sophie 1,278]

I'm glad you replied because your other posts yesterday seemed to indicate that you really wouldn't care if a guy had tried to resist those temptations.

I always appreciate it when guys value sex and keep it in committed relationships. Think Ross Geller from Friends (poor guy loved commitment so much he was married three times before age 30, lol.) I think there's nothing sexier than a guy who doesn't jump into sex. All I had said was that he didn't have to be a virgin or a waiter - that doesn't mean I don't strongly value a guy with self-control and romantic ideals. Because I totally do.

[truelovewaits 121]

Personally, if a guy told me that it took him herculean effort to not have sex, he would not be a hero to me, not by any stretch of the imagination. The way I see it is if you're aching for sex that much, then just have it. Waiting is not for everyone and either you are cut out to be able to keep your physical urges in check or you are not. If your mental conviction is constantly at odds with too strong physical urges for sex, it's just not a healthy thing.

[Invincible 7,989]

Personally, if a guy told me that it took him herculean effort to not have sex, he would not be a hero to me, not by any stretch of the imagination. The way I see it is if you're aching for sex that much, then just have it. Waiting is not for everyone and either you are cut out to be able to keep your physical urges in check or you are not. If your mental conviction is constantly at odds with too strong physical urges for sex, it's just not a healthy thing.

So you wouldn't appreciate the effort a guy is making for you because he wants to, instead of because you asked him to? Did it ever occur to you the reason he is doing it is because he has morals and respects you by wanting to build an emotional relationship instead of a sexual one? A guy has no obligation to wait. If he wanted sex that bad, it's not hard for him to get it. But a guy who waits does so because he thinks a meaningful relationship is more important than just sex and that it should only be shared with the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

[truelovewaits 121]

So you wouldn't appreciate the effort a guy is making for you because he wants to, instead of because you asked him to? Did it ever occur to you the reason he is doing it is because he has morals and respects you by wanting to build an emotional relationship instead of a sexual one? A guy has no obligation to wait. If he wanted sex that bad, it's not hard for him to get it. But a guy who waits does so because he thinks a meaningful relationship is more important than just sex and that it should only be shared with the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

I'm just saying that I wouldn't want someone to ever say "I waited for you! and it was torturous!", I just don't want the waiting to become future fuel for any kind of passive aggressiveness. I say this because I know deep down that if I ended up with a guy who didn't wait I would feel that I would feel this way, like this f*cker couldn't possibly appreciate my strength of character but I had to let that go and just remain more convicted that I really only wanted to be with a waiter but I really don't want to have to hear him say how hard it was because that implies that it wasn't worth it. Love is ultimately accepting someone for who they are and truly loving someone is accepting someone, faults and all, virginity or no virginity. Ironically I honestly feel more capable of loving an imperfect person because perfection on a pedestal is intimidating and I think alot of guys are intimidated by women who are virgins after a certain age and that's why they get avoided like the plague.

[Jeffinity 89]

I'm just saying that I wouldn't want someone to ever say "I waited for you! and it was torturous!", I just don't want the waiting to become future fuel for any kind of passive aggressiveness. I say this because I know deep down that if I ended up with a guy who didn't wait I would feel that I would feel this way, like this f*cker couldn't possibly appreciate my strength of character but I had to let that go and just remain more convicted that I really only wanted to be with a waiter but I really don't want to have to hear him say how hard it was because that implies that it wasn't worth it. Love is ultimately accepting someone for who they are and truly loving someone is accepting someone, faults and all, virginity or no virginity. Ironically I honestly feel more capable of loving an imperfect person because perfection on a pedestal is intimidating and I think alot of guys are intimidated by women who are virgins after a certain age and that's why they get avoided like the plague.

That is why in my case I try to get the ugly question out of the way ASAP. Also I wouldn't think guys would avoid you like the plague. They must be pretty low quality males.

[Slayerofdragon 1,278]

I think alot of guys are intimidated by women who are virgins after a certain age and that's why they get avoided like the plague.

Well, I'm a guy who isn't intimidated by women virgins who are past any age. Obviously, I think all men have preferences when it comes to choosing their life partners. I also think that there is an unfortunate stigma associated with women virginity(e.g., they haven't had sex yet, therefore they aren't worth a man's time ). In other words, rating a women based on sexual performance and not on say other enduring qualities like personality or intelligence. I find that logic not only shallow, but also denigrating towards women.

I have a lot of respect for women who are virgins. Why? This shows me that they have respect for their bodies, themselves, and they possess standards. Standards that are not necessarily in line with societal norms and expectations. For me, this projects a powerful statement: she knows what she wants in terms of what she believes in and values.

I had to let that go and just remain more convicted that I really only wanted to be with a waiter but I really don't want to have to hear him say how hard it was because that implies that it wasn't worth it.

Actually, I would like if she told me how hard it was... tell me on a regular basis, lol. Then I can tell her that she is right, it is tough and difficult at times. Let that be a topic of communication in our relationship, and let us support each other.

[MarriageMaterial 1,389]

Personally, if a guy told me that it took him herculean effort to not have sex, he would not be a hero to me, not by any stretch of the imagination. The way I see it is if you're aching for sex that much, then just have it. Waiting is not for everyone and either you are cut out to be able to keep your physical urges in check or you are not. If your mental conviction is constantly at odds with too strong physical urges for sex, it's just not a healthy thing.

Surely the stonger the urges a guy has to more admirable is his decision and committment to waiting? If a guy wasnt interested in sex what merit would there be in not doing the deed? It's refraining from doing what you really want to do to achieve a higher and more worthy purpose that is the whole point of waiting surely?

I want my boyfriend to want to sleep with me because I want to sleep with him. I dont because I believe that it will cause us to have a more committed and fulfilling marriage. But yes there is a hell of a lot of chemistry there and Im glad of it because that will make our marriage a lot of fun when we do get there!

[MarriageMaterial 1,389]

To answer the question, yes I have had the chance to have sex or at least have had many chances to create an opportunity to have sex. I have also been in relationships where there was a lot of pressure to have sex but didnt because I was waiting (those relationships were the ones where it was easiest to say "no", the more pressure a guy puts on me the more I get turned off him).

I know it's hard for you guys from day 1, but let me tell you it is pretty damn hard for us girls too especially when you are in love. It drives me insane sometimes being with my boyfriend but not "being with him".

[MarriageMaterial 1,389]

So you wouldn't appreciate the effort a guy is making for you because he wants to, instead of because you asked him to? Did it ever occur to you the reason he is doing it is because he has morals and respects you by wanting to build an emotional relationship instead of a sexual one? A guy has no obligation to wait. If he wanted sex that bad, it's not hard for him to get it. But a guy who waits does so because he thinks a meaningful relationship is more important than just sex and that it should only be shared with the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

I actually nearly cried when I read this EB, that is so unbelieveably sweet and honourable. The world would be a better place if more guys thought like this.

[AussieStig 1,151]

The want/need to make love to the person you love doesn't just turn on and off like a switch when you get married, TLW. I'm not going to say anything else here because Vince has said it all (as usual! Great response mate )

In my current relationship I've had many, many opportunities to, and sometimes it almost feels like we have to haul on the reigns to slow down. Not that we've ever ended up naked or anything like that, we just know how in love we are and sometimes it's hard not to express that in a physical way when we both feel so ready. Of course, we're both very strong in our conviction to wait though (which has actually got stronger for both of us as the relationship has strengthened) and so I have no doubts whatsoever that we will be successful in our wait!

Prior to the relationship, not really. I was offered it once or twice but never by anyone I had an emotional connection with, so it was never going to happen even if I wasn't a waiter.

And Mr Pepper, don't worry - you'll get your chance one day to make your future wife appreciate you for who you are and what choices you've made to have an extra-special relationship with her

[Invincible 7,989]

I actually nearly cried when I read this EB, that is so unbelieveably sweet and honourable. The world would be a better place if more guys thought like this.

Awww, thanks MM. I had no idea my words moved you so much

But I truly believe in what I said. Waiting is hard for all of us, guys and girls. It's not an obligation that we are doing begrudgingly, but the ultimate expression of love. It's about putting aside one's selfish desires and putting the other person's best interests first. I feel like society has lost sight of that and has become one that is all about instant gratification. It's become a society where people are constantly looking for the right person rather than being the right person. In just my life, I've seen so many women, both family or friends, get broken down by trash calling themselves men who use and abuse them. The worst part is that these women think this is what a normal relationship is like. It breaks my heart knowing they think this is the best the world has to offer and they just accept it.

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to have a daughter. I couldn't even imagine her bringing home a guy who had the intention of "test driving" her so that he can compare her to all the other girls he slept with to make sure she performs up to his standards. I don't care how funny, smart or "sweet" he is. If some guy came into my house with that attitude, he will end up exiting my house through the window...and possibly on the 10 o'clock news. Just kidding...sort of

[Guest redyellowblue]

Im a teenager who had a serious boyfriend (my first love) for about a year as well, so yes! He wasnt really a waiter, but was a virgin, and usually respected my choices. Later he got uncomfortable that I wouldnt give it up, though... that mainly being the reason we broke up. Anyway there were a lot of close calls, but fortunately we always had tons of interuptions, being young, parents, the public, and such When we did have a true chance, I didnt have the guts to go through with it, and if I did, I still knew I wanted to save and that I just wasnt ready.

I have to admit at in the middle of the relationships were times where I felt like I was ready (but of course really wasnt) but he would remind me of my decision to wait. Im SO glad he somewhat respected that, and we never went through with it. I would feel offended by him doing that though, sometimes, cause it made me feel unattractive, I mean really, what guy would turn down sex, you know?! That wasnt really the case though. Blessedly, I learned a TON from that relationship, without having to regret so much, although it always hurts getting over your first love!

[ian 1,727]

RYB you bring up an interesting point here... first loves are indeed the hard ones... because you simply don't know how the boundaries work, do you/does he/she want boundaries... how do you talk about and respect boundaries... etc. what happens when you're in the heat... do you know how to appropriately slow down or stop....

yes it's all part of growing up and growing into adult relationships vs crushes and all that... but it IS definitely the trickiest part... allowing your affections and a bit of passion... asserting your desire to wait...

everyone likely comes to a moment where they have the chance... or they very consciously and deliberately stop it from getting tooooo close. sometimes that chance is early - and casual, eg a hookup gone too far - sometimes its midway on a relationship where the comfort with each other begins to outstrip the brakes - and sometimes it's at that odd moment between engagement and actual marriage... no matter where that chance occurs... it requires strength and confidence and support. :-)

[Guest John Morgan]

Personally, if a guy told me that it took him herculean effort to not have sex, he would not be a hero to me, not by any stretch of the imagination. The way I see it is if you're aching for sex that much, then just have it. Waiting is not for everyone and either you are cut out to be able to keep your physical urges in check or you are not. If your mental conviction is constantly at odds with too strong physical urges for sex, it's just not a healthy thing.

TrueLoveWaits - I usually don't read all the posts, so I may be the only one with this opinion. When it comes to the matter you are speaking of, hercules is about as strong as a mosquito on a limp biscuit. Really. If you don't think it's a herculean effort for a guy (or girl for that matter) to wait, you haven't spent too much time around a real man. And that may not be your fault. You may find a teenage boy here and there, but does he know what waiting is all about? If somebody had asked me at 18 if I was waiting, I would have answered - "What table would you like sir?" What about a guy 30 years old, 40 years old? What about over 50? - Would you kick dirt in my eyes and say "you're nothing special, no hero to me?" Just because a guy is waiting doesn't make him perfect. I'm certainly not. But I do think I've accomplished something that is viewed by the masses today as inconceiveable. There are probably more people who believe in little green martians than who believe I exist. What a sobering thought.

Instead of "aching," I've always looked at waiting as a process of being transformed into that perfect match for someone else. And the girl is likewise going through a transformation, all her own. Most of the finer things in this world have been created through a "not so comfortable" transformational process. Consider a diamond. Could it have been formed on a golf course?

I think every guy who is waiting, from a teenager all the way up to 90, is going to have "physical urges." The medical community considers that quite normal. But It's quite healthy for a man not to act on those urges. It's not going to make him turn purple or go blind. To me, self control defines what a real man is all about. I know that concept is lost in the culture we live in. From what I've seen lately, I don't think a lot of girls would know a real man if he dropped from the sky and landed at their feet.

I really think waiting is for everyone. However, few people have the will power or self control to wait. Does that make waiting wrong? No no no. I'm looking for the smiley face that says "no." Can't find him. No again.

Mental conviction at odds with strong physical urges is not a healthy thing? I'm feeling very well this evening, thank you.

The important thing is -- If you are able to wait for another guy who is waiting, you want have to worry about all this. You will be equally matched. There will be nobody to compare each other with. You can do no wrong on your marriage night. To be honest, if marriage does come my way, I hope she's out there now going through h&%! That may sound selfish, or even cruel. I would just want her to be able to appreciate the wait I've gone through, have some self control, have some sense of decency and modesty, and be able to relate to me. I know the idea of two people going from being platonic friends to a married couple overnight is foreign in the world we live in. But it's the ideal I believe in.

[Guest John Morgan]

Ironically I honestly feel more capable of loving an imperfect person because perfection on a pedestal is intimidating and I think alot of guys are intimidated by women who are virgins after a certain age and that's why they get avoided like the plague.

TrueLoveWaits: Intimidated by women who are virgins after a certain age? You are kidding, right? Some of the most beautiful women I know are older than me. Could women be intimidated by men who are virgins after a certain age? Maybe I need to put on a few pounds and get some thicker reading glasses.

[StephieSweety84 60]

yes I have with pretty every guy I've dated...me saying no is way they broke it off..except one

[MarriageMaterial 1,389]

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to have a daughter. I couldn't even imagine her bringing home a guy who had the intention of "test driving" her so that he can compare her to all the other girls he slept with to make sure she performs up to his standards. I don't care how funny, smart or "sweet" he is. If some guy came into my house with that attitude, he will end up exiting my house through the window...and possibly on the 10 o'clock news. Just kidding...sort of

Oh I would see red if I thought some guy viewed my daughter like that. I wonder what the guys who have the "test drive mentality" would say if you put it to them and asked them how would they feel about someone test driving their daughter....I bet they wouldnt be long changing their tune. It is such a disrespectful way to view a person.