ohmercyme

For Love Or Money?

17 posts in this topic

Okay so this may not exactly be a WTM topic, but it is an issue I run into often and am very curious about it. On the dating site OkCupid there is a question in the Q&A section that reads as follows...

"What is your greatest motivation in life, love or wealth?"

The answer of love would seem to be the obvious one, but I'm shocked to find that about 90% of the girls answers was wealth! Nothing about that sat well with me. I mean, I'm sure everyone would like to be successful in their careers and the like, but....ugh!

It's a dating site, so even if they did have a love for money, giving that message when trying to find a mate isn't a very good one in my book.

I'm a writer in the television business who as of recently have found myself on the edge of having some nationwide success (fingers crossed) and people keep telling me if that happens I will find myself much more attractive to women. Why?, I haven't changed any so- oh wait my paycheck got bigger so....there it is again.

I can't speak for the guys really, I'm sure they like money too, but I've never heard of a guy disliking a girl because she wasn't rich enough, only the other way around.

So what gives? What is this obsession with money that most girls seem to have?

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Well, looking at okcupid.com is the first problem. Okcupid has a reputation for casual hookups, not for long-term, meaningful relationships. That's not the dating website you'd go to for people of substance. I think eHarmony is the dating site for people who are more geared towards marriage.

I can't speak for the guys really, I'm sure they like money too, but I've never heard of a guy disliking a girl because she wasn't rich enough, only the other way around.

So what gives? What is this obsession with money that most girls seem to have?

Just as shallow guys are stereotyped to go for looks only, shallow women are stereotyped to go for money only. You can argue that it's evolutionary for females to seek out the strongest males who will be good providers and will provide a sense of security for them as well as the offspring. Males on the other hand, look for females who are fertile who have the best chance of bearing offspring. When you translate that into human terms, money is associated with strength and security so a woman looking for security and a provider would tend to go for a man who is financially successful. Men on the other hand, subconsciously associate physical beauty with fertility which would not only raises the chances of producing offspring, but strong offspring. I think this is also amplified by societal expectations as well. Men are expected to be independent and financially successful while it's more acceptable for women to be homemakers and dependent on a man.

Is it wrong to make looks and financial stability a consideration for a mate? I don't think so. Is it wrong to make those things the only consideration? Most definitely.

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@ envinceble- I agree with you on this 100%!

I think a lot of girls are into money, but to different degrees (just like guys and looks) and it doesn't necessarily mean that they're shallow or bad. At one end there are the girls who will literally not date someone unless they have a certain amount of money. I actually know a girl like this. Money is the first thing she looks for because she knows she has expensive taste and wants a guy to be able to afford her lifestyle. If you were to ask her to tell you about her new bf, the first thing she would say is “he's loadedâ€, and she doesn't really care how he got the money (whether he worked for it or if it's family money). Does that make her a bad person? No. She is actually very sweet (and on a side note, she is a waiter), but her priorities when it comes to relationships are completely screwed up. Then there are girls that I know that care about how much their bf makes because they want to be a stay at home mom and want to make sure that their husband can provide for that. And to me, there is nothing wrong with that, it wouldn't be a deal breaker but it is important to them, and again, they're not “bad†or “shallow†for this, they're just thinking ahead in a way. For me personally (and for others I know) money isn't what is important, work ethic is. Is the guy hardworking? Is he ambitious? His paycheck could reflect this, or not. If he's worked really hard to get where he is and is now reaping the benefit of that, great! If he has a ton of money because someone gave it to him and he is obsessed with getting more no matter how it comes to him, huge turn off. So I wouldn't cast these girls off just because they say money is important because there's a whole spectrum in there that should be considered.

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A guy who is well establsihed, and is able to take care of himself shows that he can work, and work well - which involves tons of valuable traits like responsibility, disclipine, etc for one thing. That isnt always the case, and there are other ways to prove just that. Thats just me though. It is not a dealbreaker or maker for me at all. Other girls may simply want to be showered with gifts/get $$/have the prestige. Its unfortunate the latter seems to be most prevalent these days. And there are tons of reasons why it is so, what I think is mostly ignorance to true morals and values and respect.

I agree with the others. What envincebal says makes sense, and its appropriate. Although when men, subconsciously, look at level of beauty as equivalent level of fertility, why do most men run the other way when he gets a woman pregnant? Just a curiosity :P

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There was a similar subject being discussed in the girls only section. I guess a lot of girls are interested in salary because ultimately they want a guy who can support a family. Like EB said, I think if you go back to prehistoric times, females were interested in the males with the most power and hunting ability because they were the males who could probably best protect and feed their offspring. I guess the same principle kind of applies to salary nowadays.

On a more personal note, it is not so much salary or wealth that I would be interested in when it comes to guys as much as work ethic and drive (which probably does translate into a decent salary although that isnt the reason why I look for these qualities). The reason why I want a guy with these qualities is more to do with compatibility and respect.

I am a hard worker I have always put a lot of effort and grind into my studies at college and into my job. I want a guy who has a similar outlook on life. As long as he aims to be the best he personally can be that's all that will matter to me. I want a guy who will instill a hunger for life into our kids, who will help me raise them to be individuals with drive and passion and not just people who float and drift along. A man who will teach them by example that to get the best out of life they will need to put effort into whatever it is they want to do.

It is important to me that I respect my husband and I couldn't respect a waster. I dont care how much he earns it's how he goes about life that matters to me. If he is the kind of guy who puts time and care into his work, he will be the kind of guy who puts time and care into our relationship and into our family.

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Although when men, subconsciously, look at level of beauty as equivalent level of fertility, why do most men run the other way when he gets a woman pregnant? Just a curiosity :P

Heehee good point!!! :D

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I had an account on that website for less than 24 hours. My take on that dating site is that it is the equivalent to eharmony... for sluts

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"Although when men, subconsciously, look at level of beauty as equivalent level of fertility, why do most men run the other way when he gets a woman pregnant? Just a curiosity."

Simple - Most men are not Christians.

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I agree with the others. What envincebal says makes sense, and its appropriate. Although when men, subconsciously, look at level of beauty as equivalent level of fertility, why do most men run the other way when he gets a woman pregnant? Just a curiosity :P

Because unlike the animal kingdom, human males have to worry about a little thing called "child support" :)

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For me, it's a mix of both. I want a man that I love dearly and who loves me back, but he must be able to support me and our children. A man who is a bum on the couch all day every day, drinking beer and watching sports is most definitely not the man for me. It's just true for many that with hard work, dedication, and an eye on the future, you probably wouldn't be cutting wood for a living. Now if the man I fell in love with did indeed cut wood for a living, I would have to evaluate and figure out what got him there. It would matter a lot if he had severe family problems like abuse and that affected his performance in school, vs. he just decided that he was too lazy to work at an education and a career.

I don't think that the ultimate goal in life for many is just love or just money, but something along the lines of a spouse who you love and who can provide for you and your children. There is a large grey area in between love and money, and I would think most people fit somewhere in that area. Now some people do marry simply for money, think of pretty 20-somethings marrying an 70 year old single millionaire, for the simple reason of inheriting his money when he passes.

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". . . but I'm shocked to find that about 90% of the girls answers was wealth!"

I'd put that number around 96-98%, including those who are waiting.

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I'd put that number around 96-98%, including those who are waiting.

I think that's a bit cynical. That's pretty much saying that 96-98% of women are golddiggers and I'd like to stand up for my sex and refute that.

If you listened to what the girls are saying here you would hear that love is more important to them. Unfortunately guys seem to think that all girls are more interested in wealth because we do want someone who can help us support a family and someone who has a bit of drive and motivation in life. I dont think that this means that we are wealth obsessed. I'm certainly not looking for someone with a six figure salary, I just want someone I can respect. A comfortable lifestyle would help, and I am more than prepared to contribute to that. I think that is just being practical.

Let me share a personal experience. When I was 19 in college I was dating this guy, lets call him Tom. Tom and I started dating over the summer holidays, I knew him vaguely from my university course and he got my number from a friend and asked me out a week or so after the exams. Things were going great until we went back to university in September. I used to spend most of my evenings studying in the library, he used to go home and play his game console and drink beer. He used to look at me like I had 10 heads when I spoke about my future career plans, what subjects I wanted to study the next semester. He barely attended class. His concept of the future just about stretched to the plans for going out that weekend. When it came around to end of term exams I provided him with all my notes and gave him tutorials (more fool me because he clearly wasnt interested). There came a point when he just irritated me due to his lack of interest in his own life and career. He had zero motivation and I just couldnt see him as a life partner. I eventually broke up with him.

I dont think that breaking up with Tom makes me a golddigger. I am much more interested in a man's heart and mind than I am in his wallet. I am more than capable of earning my own crust but I would like to marry someone who is basically compatible with me and that just so happens to be a man with a sense of responsibility who has the self control and self motivation to pursue a course of action with diligence.

I dont think that you guys would like to marry a girl who is a slob and who doesn't show one bit of enthusiasm for any aspect of life other than partying and having a good time. Why should girls be criticised if we feel the same?

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MarriageMaterial - My definition of love includes waiting until marriage. That, in itself, knocks out the vast majority of women and men. So I interpreted the question as "which is more important to you, finding a guy who has waited or wealth?" Yes, I've listened to some of the girls on this site. But they don't make up a fraction of 1% of the total number of girls out there. I'm sure there are some girls here who fall into the 3-4% and prioritize waiting over money. I'm not sure that's being cynical. Maybe. It may be because I've lived a little longer and have seen so many WTM guys take a back seat to guys with prestigious jobs, family wealth, connections, and lifetime golf course memberships - who are not waiting. I know there exceptions who understand that you can love and have a life at the same time, who can separate making a living from living the life. I don't think breaking up with that guy makes you a golddigger either. It sounds like he was more of an immature boy, since he couldn't plan for the future. I'm glad to hear you're more interested in a man's heart and mind than his wallet. If you can include waiting in your definition of a man's heart and communicate that to the world, you will improve the perception of your sex. Same thing for guys.

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I think most decent girls out there is just looking for a guy like MM was describing: A guy doesn't have to make a lot of money, but he should be a hard worker and have a direction in life.

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Envincebal - If by a decent girl you mean one who is Christian and waiting until marriage, I'd say there is a slightly better probability of her waiting for a guy like MM described. My somewhat less than optimistic outlook is probably due to several factors in my life. Up until I was 25-35, I thought there was a chance I would meet the right one - especially in college. The older I got, the more awkward I felt just because all of the guys I knew around my age had married. And the more time my work took. From 35-45, the awkwardness about being single seemed to subside. By this time, all the waiting girls I had known were married. I was also diagnosed with a serious genetic disorder that I did not want to pass on to a child. Hence, unmarried and without children seemed to be my default lifestyle. After 50, disability, and retirement - I've poured my time and energy into different nonprofit organizations. I feel content. And I've decided God's intention for my life is singleness. The only awkwardness has nothing to do with sex or marriage. It has to do with not relating to people your own age. I know of no one close to my situation. So you could say I'm waiting on a higher love. I do believe there are some decent girls out there. Of the thousands I've known, I'd say 2-3 were marriage material. Maybe it has something to do with the areas I've lived in, the jobs I've had, churches I've attended, etc. I'm not sure. I have asked myself a couple of times: "Where was that internet back in 1980?"

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Okay, just a couple comments and then I'll drop the issue.

First off Envincebal, I agree OkCupid doesn't have the greatest pool of people, but I've found more waiters on there than you might think, you just have to do some digging. Oh and I was rejected from EHarmony.

I love the answers, but the actual question refers to that person's motivations, not who they're looking for, but it does tend to get the same answer. But in the modern day of gender equality, if a girl is seeking a successful guy, she should be successful as well, it's only fair. And you want to be a house wife, I would agree to that if I made enough money, but that is down the road. You can't just be a freeloader and tell people that you're training to be a stay at home mom.

The question still boggles my mind. I can't imagine that so many girls would basically say that money was more important than love. I'd rather be poor and loved than rich and lonely. But that's just me.

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