daveiscool

A little advice would really help

6 posts in this topic

hi everyone,

I stumbled upon this site when I read the following article:

http://waitingtillmarriage.org/the-5-secrets-to-a-healthy-relationship-with-somebody-whos-had-sex-before/

So I've been with this girl for a month officially although we've been to and fro about our feelings for each other for the last six months.

I knew my girl since the last 7 years as a friend, she is a year younger than me. She is very extrovert, vivacious, and expressive and I am introvert, silent and pensive. We met first when I was her trainer in a firm and it was her first job and I was her mentor of sorts. Since then she has always respected as a good friend and we went our own ways but still kept in touch. She had a boyfriend who was much older than her, and she did have a sexual relation with him. I had a girlfriend in college (ten years ago) for a year with whom the most I have done is hug and kissed, (it was a first time for both of us and we were really quite the amateurs :).

Fast forward to a year and half ago, she was getting married to someone else as her parents had always objected to her being with her boyfriend who was older. She finally complied and broke up with her ex and married to someone else who was a virgin. Before when he asked her about her sexual past she lied to him and post marriage she broke the truth to him. Things went south pretty fast and within six months she was divorced. Throughout this period she used to call me n tell me everything, I advised her and used to listen to whatever she had to say. She got better got a good job and eventually got admission to this school where she is now at. She continued calling and talking to me for hours on end, sometimes all night. I naturally started developing feelings for her and I would tell her that we need to watch ourselves n make sure we didnt get things complicated from just being friends to more than that. We tried not talking to each other for specific time intervals but she would eventually always call n i wouldnt not pick up the call. At this point she meet someone at church and went out on one weekend and let herself go and they made out, she even told him about her feelings for me. She called me that day and told me about it, and for some reason I felt completely broken n really low, I admitted my feelings for her n she was very apologetic and sorry. So that was kind of how this started out. It was kind of sad that the event which lead us to openly admit our feelings was not ideal at least for me.

Believing that it takes two to make it work, Ive been trying my best to initiate (mails, texts, topics of conversation), since I feel i must work on being more expressive and also doing it for her, for us, for our relationship and our future. She admits that even though she is extrovert, expressive and quite the go getter, she wants the man to be the initiatior. I take that as a challenge for my personal development.

Two days ago, she asks how far we should go with naughty talk etc., I tell her that its been ten years and that part of me has really been well dormant and that I would go only as far as she is comfortable. She tells me that she will not have sex before marriage (to me) cause thats how she feels she can make up for her past. I tell her I respect her decision, I really do. We get comfortable, i tell her ho would embrace, hold her and kiss her and she tells me how good i make her feel. After that special time, she asks me to write her something naughty and romantic...I wrote her a story, and i let my imagination go wild (nothin nasty) and sent it to her. I did this and was so happy with myself because personally i felt i really went way out of my comfort zone to do what i did. The next morning she calls and tells me that she hopes I remember what she said about us having only after marriage. I tell of course I remember and whatever i said i wrote was just special and beautiful because i wanted her to feel that way. On a note i was not feeling physicall aroused per se as she was, maybe it was because i didnt ask her to say anything to me, maybe i should have but im confused about how i should express myself since this whole aspect is right out of the blue for me and Ive no idea what it feels like to have had sex and all the emotions that come with it, i just have my imagination....

After this, I find myself feeling mixed emotions, because i feel i have given a lot of myself emotionally and the fact that we are long distance really hurts since ive let myself go, the natural feelings of wanting physical intimacy come in too (not sex necessarily), i dont know, I dont want to expect but is it ok to expect something from her, or tell her something, please advise me people, i feel confused.....

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Hey davidiscool, thanks for sharing your story.

I think you already answered your own question. You said it takes two to make a relationship work and you're right. If you feel like you put a lot of yourself into the relationship then she should do the same. You obviously are doing a lot to make her happy but is she doing the same for you? If not, then that is a huge problem. You need to communicate your needs to her and be completely honest about it. A relationship can't be one-sided, it must have two givers, not a giver and a taker. You'll just end up being drained and unhappy if you allow her to take and not give. Just have a conversation with her about your needs and see if it falls within her comfortable boundaries. If a compromise can be made, great. If not, maybe she's not the one for you. But you MUST communicate. Do not fall into the trap of being afraid to ask for something from her. You deserve to be happy in the relationship too.

Also, it sounds to me like she is the one who is a little confused. If she's lied about her past in a previous marriage then I would be extra cautious for any similar red flags in your relationship. Plus the way she seems to let herself go with the guy she made out with only to change her mind and go for you so quickly makes it seem like is dealing with a lot of baggage from the divorce. I know people can change and mature, but she needs to be able to prove that in her actions. But I guess I can't really say that because I don't really know the whole situation. In any case, I hope things work out fine with her.

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Thank you envincebal :). Yes it does take two to make it work and although Im generally easygoing and can pretty happily or quietly adapt to demands, for the long run however i dont think thats the best approach since really we are very different personalities, she being outspoken and me being the silent type, i am aware of the consequences of not communicating, thank you again ringing the bell in my head about it :).

Yes the divorce baggage, I think i believe that too somewhere.

I think for me its just that I havent been with anyone for so long (n its not even that I was lonely during that time, life was happening) and I find all kinds of emotions and urges (i'm still a regualr guy after all) resurfacing and somewhere some feeling of having missed out on a lot.

The fact that its over long distance kinda makes it a that much tougher for me/us actually and we are not even sure if we will meet this year or the next (she will be studying till next June). Personally, even im going through a career change phase in my life so that adds the uncertainty aspect as well.

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I hear you, man. I'm 27 and never dated anyone before. I also feel like I've missed out on all the wonderful things about being with someone that most people have experienced by now. For the most part, I go about my daily life just fine but there are times where I long to just hold a girl in my arms and to know that I mean the world to her. I know that the uncertainty of the future is the scariest thing, but all we can do is hope.

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It really helps when one can share one's thoughts/feelings with a mature like-minded inidividuals. The whole "you're not alone out there" reassurance can do wonders to one's resolve :)

Am so glad to have joined this forum.

PS. Ironically, my gf should've been here I guess cause she's the one whose actually WTM. Im the virgin who is okay with it either way and respect her decision to WTM. Thing being I get the feeling she is more sexually active than me since she already knows how it feels.

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Guys please feel free to add anything else too, Id love to hear what you guys feel about my situation :)

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