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Daughter of Jerusalem

Major Dilemma

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Dear girls,

I have a dilemma that I would like some input on. There is a guy that I know who seems to have a crush on me. We met at a Bible study that occurs on my school campus. He is a really sweet guy, he is a Christian, and he is a pastor. But, unfortunately I do not have any feelings for him.

The reason why I know he has some feelings for me is because of his FB posts and messages. He would also do little things at the Bible study that I think were meant to impress me. He is in his late 20s and he has made it known more than once that he desires to have a wife (very soon). I, on the other hand, do not even wish to be married in the next few years (or even ten years). I also made it clear during the Bible study that I have years and years of schooling ahead of me left, but he didn't take the bait.

I really hate conformation, I am awkward when I talk with guys, and I don't want to make him sad.

Do you all have any suggestions? If you were in this situation, then what would you do?

Thanks for the help,

Daughter of Jerusalem

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Seeing as how no girls have jumped in here with any input, I'll answer from a guy's perspective. Feel free to delete and/or ignore it if I'm out of my element here. (This isn't in the girls only forum, so I'm assuming male input might be accepted here).

First off, if this guy hasn't asked you out: you're in the clear. He has to pursue you before actually getting rejected by you. So unless you are afraid that you may be stringing him along by giving him false hope in some manner, maybe he's just sizing you up for wife potential (based off his sharing his interests with you, telling you his marriage plans, trying to judge/gauge your reaction, etc.)

Now on to your not taking "the bait" comment. There's no fuzzy math gray area with men when it comes to pursuing a woman. It's "yes" she's interested or "no" she's not. I pursue until they tell me they're not interested or until they stop talking to me and/or ignore me. (For the record, being ignored is far worse than being rejected. A guy can respect a girl that's not interested as long as she's honest about it.)

So if the guy musters up the courage to ask you out, it's only fair that the girl have the courage to let him down respectfully and gracefully. If he's in his late 20s he's been rejected before. You're only going to make him "sad" if he wastes his time unknowingly chasing a girl that will never give him a chance.

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D of J,

I know exactly what you mean. You can tell a guy's interested and you're nice to him and talk to him but you're not interested in more than friends. You feel awkward because you can tell something's probably gonna happen and are afraid of the time you have to awkwardly say no. So you're not the only one on here that's happened to.

I agree with Gil, let him down respectfully and gracefully---something like, "I'm flattered but...." or idk whatever feels like you.

Honestly, you should take his interest as a HUGE compliment---you are wife material--even if you're not ready to be/don't want to be for a long time. That's a big compliment. That shows you're classy, attractive, nice, a good Christian, etc.

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Seeing as how no girls have jumped in here with any input, I'll answer from a guy's perspective. Feel free to delete and/or ignore it if I'm out of my element here. (This isn't in the girls only forum, so I'm assuming male input might be accepted here).

First off, if this guy hasn't asked you out: you're in the clear. He has to pursue you before actually getting rejected by you. So unless you are afraid that you may be stringing him along by giving him false hope in some manner, maybe he's just sizing you up for wife potential (based off his sharing his interests with you, telling you his marriage plans, trying to judge/gauge your reaction, etc.)

Now on to your not taking "the bait" comment. There's no fuzzy math gray area with men when it comes to pursuing a woman. It's "yes" she's interested or "no" she's not. I pursue until they tell me they're not interested or until they stop talking to me and/or ignore me. (For the record, being ignored is far worse than being rejected. A guy can respect a girl that's not interested as long as she's honest about it.)

So if the guy musters up the courage to ask you out, it's only fair that the girl have the courage to let him down respectfully and gracefully. If he's in his late 20s he's been rejected before. You're only going to make him "sad" if he wastes his time unknowingly chasing a girl that will never give him a chance.

Gil,

Thank you so much for your input. I really appreciate it. This guy sort of did ask me out. Since it is the summer break.... I am at home visiting my family and friends, but he said if I was at school... he would ask me to the carnival. I didn't know what to say back, so I just said thank you. Is that stringing him along? In Bible study, we had discussions on marriage and dating... and I thought I made it clear that I did not want to be in a relationship. I guess not. I don't know what to do. Do you have any more input?

D of J

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D of J,

I know exactly what you mean. You can tell a guy's interested and you're nice to him and talk to him but you're not interested in more than friends. You feel awkward because you can tell something's probably gonna happen and are afraid of the time you have to awkwardly say no. So you're not the only one on here that's happened to.

I agree with Gil, let him down respectfully and gracefully---something like, "I'm flattered but...." or idk whatever feels like you.

Honestly, you should take his interest as a HUGE compliment---you are wife material--even if you're not ready to be/don't want to be for a long time. That's a big compliment. That shows you're classy, attractive, nice, a good Christian, etc.

Sally,

Thanks for your advice as well. I am glad that I am not alone in this position. Do you have any additional advice... since he did kind of ask me out.

Thanks,

D of J

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DOJ, the answer is yes. Anything you say other than a yes or no is stringing him along. If you don't outright say no, he'll assume there is still hope. I know because I've had girls give me ambiguous answers and I still pursued them until they finally said no. Just because you said you have years of school to finish doesn't mean he understands you're not interested. To him, he just think it means you're not ready for a relationship yet. If a guy like you enough, they will be willing to wait a long time for you. Remember the story of Jacob working a total of 14 years before he could marry Rachel? To him, it only felt like a few days. Yeah, us guys can do some crazy things to be with the girl we love. We're stupid when it comes to subtly so you have to break it down in plain English for him: Yes or no.

Guys may hate rejection, but we hate being led on even more. Like Gil said, he had the courage to ask you out, so its only right you that you let him down respectfully. After saying thank you, say he's a great guy but you're not interested in him. No matter how you reject him, he's going to be at least a little hurt, but as long as you're open and honest with him, he get over it quickly and will respect you for it.

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You are NOT stringing him along. It doesn't sound like you have accidentally shown any signs of being interested in him (you said you made that clear during bible study,) and therefore it is not your fault or responsibility that he is interested in you.

I hate when people put the blame on girls for stuff like this. Like "she's always laughing at his jokes," or "she talks to him too much." NO. You made yourself clear, it sounds like. I know you don't want to make him sad, but you are not obligated to stay quiet. This is clearly making you uncomfortable, which is not okay.

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I think Gil did a fantastic job with answering originally. As far as the "if you were here" comment, it seems as if he's still testing the waters but not really being brave enough to ask you out. But I think the thank you comment could be more encouraging than discouraging. I agree that honesty is the best policy and perhaps saying something like it's flattering but I'm not interested in dating. It's not a personal affront to him as a guy but also let's him know where you stand in general.

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Sally,

Thanks for your advice as well. I am glad that I am not alone in this position. Do you have any additional advice... since he did kind of ask me out.

Thanks,

D of J

Not really because I've been terrible with dealin with that in the past. Well, I give a you a little recent (past two years) example. I got a fb friend request from a guy who I only had 2 friends in common with (my friend and her bf) and I had no idea who he was. So, I immediately asked her. She was like "oh it's just Bryan, Charles' (her bf) roomate. He thought you seemed nice/cute (idk which she used) and wanted to add you as a friend." I was like okay sure because my profile picture was of me eating sushi and I was being silly and some of my gfs said it was cute/I was cute. We would talk on fb and met up a couple times while visiting her bf at his Christian college not too far away from where we are at school. I thought she needed a ride, I know her bf, I had a car, and Bryan would come so I wasn't the awkward 3rd wheel. Turns out the first time we really met, was him trying to see if I was someone he could see as a gf. Would have been nice to know! Thanks friend! I wasn't interested; I was just my nice, friendly self. (At least I like to think I am both of those) He thought I liked him and it took not me just nicely letting him down once, but a second straight up way of saying im not interested for him to really get the picture. We haven't really talked since. I felt terrible because if he wanted to talk I would because it was nice; I'm always up for a new friend. I didn't think I was leading him on, but I guess that led him on although I wasn't flirty :/ Yay! So I guess distance and less talking is good :P

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Do you have any more input?

D of J

Honestly, not sure if I have all the details to come to the same conclusions that envincebal and Sophie have. I guess I'm a little confused on what type of relationship you two have currently. I guess I'm unsure as to if you just see each other at Bible study, if these conversations are taking place privately, over the phone, (texting maybe?), online, etc.

If you two have been hanging out alone (coffee, dinner, walk in the park) when these conversations have been taking place, most people would consider that "dating". If you're not interested, you should come clean, since your intuition is telling you that this guy wants to date you.

If these conversations take place in passing, in a group setting, over FB or something; well then he will need to man up and really ask you out.

So I would say this: since I believe you think it's obvious he wants to date you, when the topic comes up again, just be honest about your feelings. Clearing the air should help prevent the unwanted advances, and once he understands, he will be able to focus his pursuits elsewhere.

It's best to be clear and leave no room for doubt. To piggyback on what Sally was saying, you can always use something like "I'm flattered by the attention you've been giving me, but I want to be honest and say that I do not see our relationship going beyond just being friends. Even if I was ready for a relationship, I just do not share the same feelings."

If you want a true to life example, I'll give you one I received a few months ago:

"I really don't want to be leading you on so I'm going to be honest. I think you're a real nice guy but I don't see this going anywhere more than friends." - Real Girl

Not sure if I can offer any other mystic sage wisdom here, but I feel like I should be charging by the hour.

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