Englishguy1988

Resisting temptation

13 posts in this topic

I've been thinking about this alot so I thought I'd ask your opinions on this as it will hopefully give me a few ideas :)

I feel as though if I ask a gf to stop kissing she'd feel like I was stopping showing affection to her, although it would just be because I don't want us to get carried away and take things too far, so first question is if your boyfriend said stop when you were kissing would you feel like he was taking away his affection?

One idea I had to counter this would be after telling her to stop to kiss her on the forehead, tell her I love her and just cuddle with her rather than walking away from the situation (although obviously if I thought that wasn't going to be effective enough then I'd suggest we do something else like go for a walk, movies or something else in public)

Also would you be annoyed if your boyfriend enforced YOUR boundaries ie you told him your boundaries when you started dating but you want to change them and he refuses to let you change your boundaries to include more things because if someone I was dating tried changing her boundaries I personally wouldn't allow her to do that as, as far as I'm concerned if someone you're dating tells you her boundaries you never step over these even if she wants too because you made the commitment to her AND her boundaries when you started dating and I would take that seriously and hold myself accountable for her boundaries, values and beliefs and I think that her changing her boundaries is not what's best for her as it would be like she was finding it hard to stick to her beliefs, hence why I would ensure I would stick to her original boundaries and help her to resist temptation because I loved her and want what's best for HER no matter how tempting it was to let her change her boundaries

So any ideas on how I could help a girlfriend stick to her boundaries, how can I resist temptation if she can't and hold us both accountable to our boundaries?

Do you think its unfair/sexist that I hold myself accountable for her as its her body not mine? Because I would always do what's best for her even if it makes her angry with me... I can deal with her moods as long as she is safe and I'm doing what's best for her... I just don't want her to feel like I'm treating her like a child

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Englishguy,

I think its important that both people hold themselves accountable. You cannot possibly feel what they feel so each person needs to communicate when something's too much. Or It could be reassuring that things are ok. Regardless, a friend of mine said that open communication is very important. (She is married; she's 22 and he's 23) I value her opinion and advice because she was a successful waiter and is now married so she can talk "from the other side" so to speak. I don't think you need to completely walk away, but that may br necessary sometime. I personally wouldn't feel like a guy is "taking away his affection" if we needed to stop. Of you are dating someone now, maybe talking about it would help? So she knows where you're coming from? Just a suggestion.

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I was just thinking aloud, really, Sally and hoping to get others opinions on this

I definately agree communication is the key, after all if you don't communicate how can you ever build a loving, honest, respectful relationship? I do however think that in the heat of the moment communication could be hard to do and I wouldn't want to hurt someones' feelings unintentionaly or come across as being too over protective by refusing to let a gf relax her boundaries in the future hence the questions

I know my questions are a bit rambly but I'm still trying to work this out so its a bit hard to articulate lol

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Hi Englishguy,

Hmm your questions are very interesting. I suppose I couldnt be angry/disappointed if a guy pulled us up if the kissing got a bit carried away because I would expect him to understand if I did the same. To do otherwise would be hypocritical I guess (but if Im honest yes I would feel just a little disappointed, but I am sure that a guy would feel the same if a girl said stop). I would recognise that it was done for all the right reasons.

I think it's honourable that you would help her uphold her own boundaries. As you well know, the spirit may be willing but the flesh is weak and sometimes it is easy to just go with the moment so the fact that you are willing to step in and not leave it to her the whole time is great!

However, maybe at that point it would be good to discuss your boundaries again. Like I know that if I was only going out with a guy for a few weeks I would put up very stringent boundaries if he asked me how far was okay to go. At such an early stage in a relationship I would not be comfortable with him doing anything more than very innocent kissing, and would not even want our bodies to be pressed up close.

That said, as a relationship grows and as trust builds and you become sure that a person will respect your decision to wait, I would be more comfortable with more affectionate cuddling and more intimate kissing. So my boundaries at that point would be pushed back just a little but it would in no way mean that I was willing to go all the way or allow him to touch certain areas.

So I think that it is a very good thing for you to take an active role in the "boundary watching" but I think that it is also okay for boundaries to be moveable to a certain extent. Communication should be constant and ongoing so that you both can decide what is okay and what is not, when you need to pull back or when you think you may have gone too far.

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I think both people have to be accountable; for themselves and for each other. Nothing wrong with backing off or saying somethings too much, etc. Along the same lines, nothing wrong with asking if something is ok or not. All about communication.

Communication should be constant and ongoing so that you both can decide what is okay and what is not, when you need to pull back or when you think you may have gone too far.

Agreed. I think Aussie may have said something along these lines in an earlier post but I think you have to take stock at certain points in a relationship of what is too far, what should be scaled back (if anything), etc. Nothing wrong with taking a few steps back when you feel like you're really pushing the limits. You have to make sure you're both comfortable and ok with the progression of things.

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Yeah I totally understand that MM but that's just natural progression in a relationship after all you should take things slowly and not rush into things as you need time to get to know one another. What I meant though is if she said her boundaries were no x, y, z before marriage then she wanted x, y, z before marriage I would say no because she had set those boundaries as WTM and not just I'm not ready to snuggle up on the sofa and watch a movie, hold me close, kiss me etc

Thanks DD that makes sense to disscuss things to make sure things aren't going to far or fast for one another as if you truly love someone then you'd want to make sure she is not uncomfortable as she should feel loved and comfortable around you and know that she is safe with you and that you will listen to her and respect her opinions, thoughts and feelings

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Haha, it's not often I'm quoted and can't remember what I said...

But yes, keep talking, set the boundaries (even if just in your heads) and don't cross them. If one person has different boundaries to the other, talk about it!

Although your thing about saying "stop" might send the wrong idea...but that's just me. I'd say something like "slow down...please baby" - just saying "STOP!!" might turn her completely off you, even if you're giving her forehead kisses!

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Yeah I totally understand that MM but that's just natural progression in a relationship after all you should take things slowly and not rush into things as you need time to get to know one another. What I meant though is if she said her boundaries were no x, y, z before marriage then she wanted x, y, z before marriage I would say no because she had set those boundaries as WTM and not just I'm not ready to snuggle up on the sofa and watch a movie, hold me close, kiss me etc

Okay I totally agree with that!

I guess where I was coming from was partly to do with a past experience with a guy I was dating a few years ago. He asked me very early on where the boundaries lay and at that point he didnt even know I was a virgin or WTM. I was a bit taken aback at how direct he was in asking so I set point blank boundaries at a very very harmless level even though it was not where my true boundaries lay. But I just didnt want to give him permission to just march up to those boundaries straight away but at the same time wasnt comfortable enough with him to explain any of that. Plus I thought that setting timeframes or saying "Im not ready yet for a,b or c yet but will be in say 3 months time" would be a bit artificial and wouldnt let the relationship progress naturally. Because to be honest when I would feel comfortable getting closer would totally depend on the dynamics of the relationship.

But definitely if a girl says she doesnt want to do anything until marriage I think you are completely right to help her stick to that, she might be disappointed in the moment but will thank you afterwards.

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Although your thing about saying "stop" might send the wrong idea...but that's just me. I'd say something like "slow down...please baby" - just saying "STOP!!" might turn her completely off you, even if you're giving her forehead kisses!

Just for you Aussie :P... On a serious note though I didn't mean STOP I meant more along the lines of honey I need to stop for a while sort of thing (I am a little more articulate than one word sentences lol)... But that is more for after you've said you need to slow things down because the way I look at it is first you slow down then if its still too much (temptation-wise) then you stop, does that make sense?

MM I personally think setting a time frame is a really, really bad idea as I feel it would put alot of pressure on the couple so I think for me it will be just take things really slowly and just keep communication open and honest with her and let her know that she can always talk to me if she needs to and I will respect any choices she makes ie not ready to kiss, cuddle, snuggle up and watch a dvd etc because rushing into things in my opinion is never a good idea

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MM I personally think setting a time frame is a really, really bad idea as I feel it would put alot of pressure on the couple so I think for me it will be just take things really slowly and just keep communication open and honest with her and let her know that she can always talk to me if she needs to and I will respect any choices she makes ie not ready to kiss, cuddle, snuggle up and watch a dvd etc because rushing into things in my opinion is never a good idea

Totes agree! How can one put a timeframe on love?? :)

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Exactly love can't be rushed... There's a passage in the bible that starts "love is patient, love is kind..." which I think is a good thing to keep in mind when dating

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Ooh that's my fave bible passage!!

Just to clarify in my initial post where I brought up timeframes I meant that I was against saying something like that when put on the spot by the guy I was dating. Sometimes guys will ask me "when will it be okay to do this or that?"....at that point Im more likely to say "never" than give them an answer coz that's just pressurising me. At that point I know the relationship is doomed.

So I guess minor boundaries may shift but it has to happen in its own time with no pressure. The major boundaries should be enforced and help from the other party in momentary lapses is greatly appreciated!! :D

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O.k. first off, your post is encouraging. I just told someone on chat the other day how if a guy pushes your boundaries it means he doesn't respect them. I've always wanted to meet a guy who had his own set of do's and don't's. As a girl it can be tiring playing the referee and blowing the whistle "Out of bounds, step back please." In fact, I've always said for girl's you have to get past the head, to get to the heart, to get anywhere else. When I have to constantly be watching your moves, worrying if you are going past a line, I never make it out of my head. Which is truth for me as of this point.

If I was kissing with a guy and he told me he needed to stop, I wouldn't feel rejected, I'd feel cherished. To me it does let the other person know that you are attracted to them and in needing to halt any progression is a sign that the boundaries both of you set forth, mean something to you.

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