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waitingforcarats posted a topic in Topics About Waiting and/or RelationshipsHey hey hey! I haven't been on this forum in years, but just recently I almost lost my virginity and thought I'd come back on here and share my story. For those who don't know, I'm 29 going on 30, and a stone-cold virgin. Never received or gave oral, engaged in anal, or vaginal sex. I've done some kissing and given a few hand jobs here and there, but that's it. I've never been in a serious, long term relationship (past four months), and haven't even had a boyfriend within the last four years. I've been practicing celibacy all my life as a Christian and it's served me well. I've dodged A LOT of bullets. That all changed when I met a guy on a facebook travel group earlier this year. We messaged back and forth on facebook before he asked for my number, and he started pursuing me. He was well-educated, hard-working, professional, only a few years older than me---seemed like a great catch. We had common interests and he was diligent in pursuing me and "putting in time and work" to get to know me. He said he was a Christian, god-fearing, and was a worship leader at his church. He lived in a different state, one 9 hours away from me. I didn't mind talking to him, and figured maybe we would meet one day. I teach, so I had plans to travel over the summer (like I do every summer), plans I made before meeting him, but he wanted to meet me before I left for the summer. I was leaving just a few days after the school year ended and would need to prepare for my trip, so it was literally impossible. He asked if it would be okay if we kept in touch (we both had imessage) while I was abroad. I said, sure. We kept in touch and texted every few days or so, and he ended up buying a ticket to come to my city to see me. I was kind of surprised, because we were only just getting to know each other and had never really talked on the phone or facetimed. I thought it was really odd that he seemed to be in a rush to meet me. It was really sketchy, and I thought to myself, he could even have a girlfriend and I would never know, because he could be hiding us from each other. Because again, we never talked on the phone or facetimed. (I have other online friends, and we always talk over the phone and facetime, so having a text-only relationship was odd). Being naiive and not having a lot of experience with men, I told myself him buying a ticket to come and see me trumped our text-only relationship because he was that serious about me or into me. I didn't care, I told myself, 'we're just hanging out as friends. I'm just meeting him to see if I am interested'. We were friends who flirted. I kind of saw him as a potential partner, but I didn't want to get too ahead of myself. Plus, I noticed that he had at least 1,000 facbeook friends, 90% of whom were women. I noticed that sometimes he would repeat things he'd already told me and would lose track of things we would talk about. I didn't hold it against him that I knew he was talking to other women because we weren't dating and we weren't exclusive. So, one night we played a game of 21 questions and he asked me if I believed in no sex before marriage. (We never had the conversation about celibacy. I'm so used to things getting nowhere with guys anyway that I havent even had the opportunity/need to tell a guy I am a celibate virgin within the last four years. I believe he suspected I was celibate because I post a lot about celibacy on my social media). So I told him, "Yeah, I'm not having sex unless I'm married. Maybe I should have told you before you bought your ticket? But I have no apologies. You can get sex anywhere." He seemed disappointed. I didn't hear from him for a few days (longer than usual). The next time he reached out to me, I ended up asking if he was still visiting my hometown. He pretended to be all like, "OFC! Why wouldn't I?" I told him I would help him with his expenses/meals when we went out. I didn't want him to feel like he was being cheated or played. But in the back of my head, I also didn't want to feel obligated or pressured to do anything with him just because he was spending money to come and see me. Because, let's say (hypothetically speaking) I WAS sexually active. Your spending money to come see me and date me doesn't entitle you to my body. I wanted to hang out as friends so there was no pressure. I know how guys can get about money, and I didn't want our weekend to be weird over money and sex. I just wanted to see who he was as a person. Little did I know, that his attitude towards money/sex IS a part of who he is. I shouldn't have offered to pay/split the costs. I almost feel like I should've let things unfold to see how he would have handled hanging out with me when sex was off the table. Fast forward to when I return from my trip and am back in my hometown. I asked him what he wanted to see/do while he was in my city. He asked me to buy us a bottle of Jack Daniels so we could drink on the beach together. I noticed, when I bought it from the liquor store (before his arrival), that it had a 40% alcohol content. (I only drink wine, so I was ALARMED when I noticed the alcohol content. I told myself I wouldn't drink any of it, and I stayed true to my promise to myself). Also, in the time before his arrival this guy was laying the charm on thick. He "casually" asked if I would be spending the night at his airbnb. I told him no. So we met for a weekend and I wasn't all that enamored by his personality. I can truly say that if I would have met him "in real time", off the internet, I probably wouldn't have been too interested in him. We had fun at the beach, but even when we were together, I told myself I wasn't interested in dating this guy long-distance. There's a guy in my hometown who I've had a crush on for the last year, who I kept thinking of, and I kept thinking of how the guy didn't measure up to my crush. There's guys in my city pursuing me, I told myself, why would I date a guy who is 9 hours away from me? But I liked that this guy was willing to fly and come see me. So he asked me if I wanted to date him. I couldn't give him a straight answer. I didn't want to be rude, but I felt like I didn't even know him. He was rushing things. I was only just meeting him. I asked him, logistically, how it would work. He said that we could come and see each other as often as we liked. But he had no intention on moving to my city, he said. He just wanted to date long-distance. That was a HUGE turn off. I thought to myself, what kind of relationship is that? Seeing a guy on the weekends maybe once a month? Not having anyone to actually BE there with me and for me? That seems like half a relationship....a total ripoff. It all seemed too convenient for him, and he was super casual about it. He also told me he had dated someone for 3 1/2 years long-distance in the past. This turned me off even more. 'cuz I'm like, he thinks this is normal and it's not dysfunctional. Ok, so to date long distance for a year, then to move closer together? Fine. But how can you date someone long distance FOR THREE YEARS? It just seemed ridiculous. And I was alarmed that he thought it was normal. If it is for him, that's fine, but I want a full relationship. He had no intentions on moving. I told him I needed to think about it. He sent me an emotional text about how he was sorry I didn't feel the same way about him that he felt about me. He made me feel like I was running away from an opportunity to be loved. I genuinely believed him and started to doubt myself. I thought he was interested in me. He also was angry with me because when we went out that night, I saw one of my guy friends (who is gay) and kept trying to divide my time between the two of them. My thinking was, my gay guy friend lives here in Philly. This guy, lives in another state. I'm not gonna piss off my friend for some guy I barely know. (I bring up him being gay so you guys are clear that he wasn't pissed b/c i was with another straight guy). That night, he tried to kiss me and I turned away, telling him I only kissed guys who are my boyfriend. I fled from his AIRBNB. I talked to one of my girl friends about it, and she told me I was wrong for choosing my friend over this guy who seemed to really be into me. So the next morning, I brought breakfast to his AIRBNB and was crying and apologizing for having so many walls and told him I had issues with intimacy. (Reading and writing this now, it's so easy to see through all the deception and games. He was playing a SERIOUS mindgame with me). He tried to sleep with me. We dry humped on his bed, and he tried to penetrate me, but I told him no. I gave him a hand job and got up. I told him I didn't want to have sex. He told me I didn't know what I wanted. His attitude toward me for the rest of the day was completely different. I was turned off by him as well, and my thinking became clearer. That night, we went out again, and he and my sister bumped heads. I took him to the airport and was glad to see him go. After making sure his flight landed safely, I didn't contact him all day. I ended up telling him, a day or so later, that I wasn't interested. I didn't like how he tried to bumrush me into sex and had tested the waters to see if I would give it up. Also, I had a nagging feeling that I was not the only woman he was "dating". I believe he had "jump off"s , or different women he was dating all over. When I had asked him if he had different women in different cities he was meeting, he didn't answer the question outright. Instead, he asked, "Do you think I have time for that?" Well, he never answered the question. Of course you do. You had time to meet me, right? When I told him I wasn't interested, he rudely told me that he wasn't into me either. I realized then that I truly never meant anything to him. I was just an experiment. He just wanted me to be one of his girls. (I live in Philly). I'm 99% sure this is what he does for fun, date women from all over, and none of the women know about each other. For some reason, when he saw me, he thought it would work on me, that I would be one of his catches. I believe he uses his status as an unmarried, professional, well paid man to attract lonely or desperate women from the internet. He's not interested in comitment or marriage. He just wants to have fun with women from all over, travel and date women all over. And the only way most women in their late 20s and 30s will travel-date someone is if they believe he is their boyfriend or that it's going to lead to something. It makes perfect sense. He's a mastermind for this. Thankfully, God and my pastor (who I talked to about it) helped me see his plan clearly. The moral of the story is to take your time. Don't rush into anything. He could've had an STD. He could have kids, a wife, be a serial killer, or whatever. I have more to say about this but this is long enough, so I'm going to stop here. Don't draw too many conclusions about me or judge me, instead, read my story and analyze where you fall in....are you also naive about the opposite sex? Do you jump to conclusions or move too quickly? Take your time, take your time, take your time with these guys, because espescially being virgins and celibate, I believe we are super vulnerable. Hating men or hating men who are womanizers is not an effective, long-term solution. Learning to vet members of the opposite sex, learning to hold out, is CRUCIAL. I don't feel like not dating or shunning men is really the answer. Dating wisely, smartly....with your head, and not your vagina, not with a need or desire to get laid, is important. At some point over his weekend long visit, I doubted myself. (After talking to my friend, I guess, who told me I always push men away....with reason, though. My intuition about guys has NEVER been wrong). But you should take your time. From now on, I don't even want to KISS a member of the opposite sex until I'm 100% sure how I feel about them. I ended up kissing this guy, because I was under pressure, and I felt bad for making him angry, and just him flying out of town to come see me made me feel like he thought I was special. THAT ALONE WAS THE TRAP. Him flying out to come see me didn't mean anything...it was all a part of the chase, the thrill. I ended up finding out that the airline he used sells cheap (less than $50 RT) fares to my city. One huge mistake I made is I never told this guy I was a virgin. I didn't have an opportunity because he rushed, but I should have created the opportunity. He knew I was celibate but he didn't know I was a virgin. With guys I've entertained in the past, when we talk about our sexual history, I will tell them I'm a virgin. I never had the opportunity to tell him because we never had the conversation about our sexual history. We had pretty superficial conversations. We barely talked on the phone. And when we met, we were just having a good time. I didn't want to feel like I was interviewing him or moving too fast. He was pretty casual about everything, BUT he just went straight for the jugular in terms of trying to have sex with me. (So he was carefree about everything else....except sex). I'm going to be more vocal about my stance for God and for celibacy. I'm getting older, so the older I get, the more rare it is to be a celibate virgin. I think to a degree I was probably ashamed and didn't want him to think I was weird. But usually things don't work out anyway, for NON SEX RELATED REASONS, and I don't even have the need to tell the guy. Sorry for ending so abruptly, but I just wanted to share my story and encourage you guys that the grass is not always greener on the other side. There's some predators out there. They will pretend they're into you, but all they want is a good time. Hugs, Deb