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Found 12 results

  1. Hey everyone. My girlfriend and I are 24, "waiters," and have been together for 4.5 months. During that time we have become each others' best friends. We have so much common ground we fit like puzzle pieces. We both come from conservative Christian backgrounds, but left and are currently exploring our faith together. She is everything I would want in a partner, and she feels the same way about me. Unfortunately there is one major problem: at 18 she was raped several times by her first boyfriend (that's all the detail I'll give). This was her first experience with being in a relationship and her first and only sexual experience. She hasn't been in another relationship until me. She told me about this pretty early on and I accepted it without thinking too much about it. After all, it wasn't her fault or decision. As the relationship progressed and we grew closer together, we began to talk about our intentions and views on marriage. And slowly the knowledge of her rapes began to eat away at me. Eventually I told her, and we've been talking it through. My anxiety has been progressively worsening and I've been obsessing over this (I have OCD, particularly in regard to obsessive thoughts). Despite that, she has been absolutely patient and understanding with me. I could use some objective guidance, advice, and encouragement in working through this. I love her and would hate to lose her over something that was never her choice or desire. I know how much that would devastate both of us. And I know it's really hard to find real love, a best friend, and a "waiter" all wrapped up in one. But I'm terrified I won't be able to get over it (which only adds to my anxiety). I know if I can't, then dragging her along would just be cruel. Some questions we've been mulling over: 1. Is rape a type of sex, a type of assault, or both? 2. Would it be right to say she's never had sex before since she didn't consent or participate? Experientially, she sees it as something totally different (like being in a fight vs. being abused, or skydiving vs. being pushed out of a plane). 3. Would it be right to call her a virgin since she has never had consensual sex? Or would we be lying to ourselves? She does still bring the same level of innocence, purity, and chastity as a virgin, right? 4. Does this guy count as a sexual partner? 5. If we get married, will we still have that same "specialness" of two virgins coming together for the first time? 6. Does she still have just as much to give as a virgin? 7. How do I get over the idea of another guy having already "been there?" I feel nauseous when I think about it. 8. She never gave him anything sexual, he only took. But how do I stop from feeling like I will be "sharing" her with her rapist ex-boyfriend? 9. Is this something I will always be worrying about, even into marriage? Or will I eventually be able accept and move past it? 10. Could this help us both grow in the long run by helping her to heal and helping me to focus on the heart and love unconditionally? I love this woman and I want to explore every avenue before deciding I can't handle it. I think I would hate myself for giving her up over something that was never her fault, desire, or decision. I also know that things happen in this life that are out of our control and part of a marriage is to stay together despite life's challenges ("for better or for worse, in sickness and in health"). But I fear that either way I'll always wonder what could have been.
  2. I'm sharing this with you girls. I think it can be helpful for some of you Blessings Article from : http://www.yourtango.com/experts/marni-feuerman/signs-abusive-relationship Is it possible that you are being abused and not even know it? Domestic violence is once again in the forefront of the news. This is in part due to abusive incidents with sports figures or celebrities that have become very public. Abuse is not always as obvious as being hit or shoved, called degrading names or cussed out. In fact, it can very well be underhanded or subtle. You may find yourself feeling confused about the relationship, off balance or like you are "walking on eggshells" all the time. This is the kind of abuse that often sneaks up on you as you become more entrenched in the relationship. I am talking here about psychological abuse, which is also known as mental or emotional abuse. Psychological abuse occurs when a person in the relationship tries to control information available to another person with intent to manipulate that person's sense of reality or their view of what is acceptable and not acceptable. Psychological abuse often contains strong emotionally manipulative content and threats designed to force the victim to comply with the abuser's wishes. All abuse takes a severe toll on self-esteem. The abused person starts feeling helpless and possibly even hopeless. In addition, most mental abusers are adept at convincing the victim that the abuse is his/her fault. Somehow, the victim is responsible for what happened. A more sophisticated form of psychological abuse is often referred to as "gaslighting." This happens when false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. Examples may range simply from the abuser denying that previous abusive incidents ever occurred to staging bizarre events with the intention of confusing the victim. I listened to a client tell me that her husband denied an affair after his she found a racy email to another woman on his computer and confronted him. The husband vehemently denied this and when so far as to send an email to his tech guy asking how his account could have been hacked and to fix the problem! A common form of emotional abuse is "I love you, but..." That may sound nice at first, yet it is both a disguised criticism and a threat. It indicates, "I love you now, but if you don't stop this or that, my love will be taken away." It is a constant jab that slowly strips away your self-esteem. Abusers get a lot of reinforcement out of using the word "love" as it seems to become a magic word to control you. Abusers at times do what I call "throw you a bone." I have heard countless times from clients that their partner was "nice," "complimentary," "gave me a gift," etc. as if it should erase all of the bad treatment. You need to understand that this is part of the dynamic and cycle of abuse. In fact, it is rare for abusive relationships to not have these (often intense) moments of feeling good, overly sincere apologies or attempts to make up for the bad behavior. The victim clings to hope when these moments occur and the abuser knows this. Psychological abuse can look like: Humiliating or embarrassing you Constant put-downs Hypercriticism Refusing to communicate Ignoring or excluding you Extramarital affairs Provocative behavior with opposite sex Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice Unreasonable jealousy Extreme moodiness Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you Saying "I love you but..." Saying things like "If you don't _____, I will_____" Domination and control Withdrawal of affection Guilt trips Making everything your fault Isolating you from friends and family Using money to control Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her Threatening to commit suicide if you leave It is important to remember is that it is absolutely not your fault. Abusers are expert manipulators with a knack for getting you to believe that the way you are being treated is your fault. These people know that everyone has insecurities, and they use those insecurities against you. Abusers can convince you that you do not deserve better treatment or that they are treating you this way to "help" you. Some abusers even act quite charming and nice in public so that others have a good impression of them. In private is a different story, which is also quite baffling. If you see yourself in these words, know that there is little hope for your relationship to improve. It would take a monumental amount of insight and motivation for the abuser to change and unfortunately, this is rarely the case. If you are in an abusive relationship, I urge you to get out and with professional help if needed. Often the first step in leaving the abuser is obtaining counseling just to rebuild your esteem so that you can leave. I particularly want you to know that you may "love" this person, but that they do not "love" you or respect you. I assure you that in time you will get over this person if you break it off. You will be making the right decision...no looking back. Feeling paralyzed by a bad relationship? Marni Feuerman, LCSW, LMFT is ready to help you break free from negative relationship patterns. For more information go to www.TheTalkingSolution.com Another very interesting article: http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse
  3. The topic of waiting until marrige in America, (from what I've observed through my own experiences, media, and statistics), is not a very popular life choice to the masses. Do you belive the majority of people around the world have the same views as the American people? Facts and statistic tables are welcome to support your statement.
  4. I'm asking both guys and girls this, in the different forums. I'm curios about what my be the same and what might be different. GIRLS: What kinds of things are you most looking forward to when you're married? Aside from the obvious. We are all here for the same reason. So, we don't need to talk about that. It can be a serious thing, or fun and playful. Whatever you may have thought about what you'd like your marriage to be like. I'll start. I just want simple things. Some of them may seem weird. -To watch him shave and we just talk. Or, maybe he just listens and nods. He likes to listen to me ramble. I'm sure of it. lol -Cuddling on the couch while watching a bad movie, and mocking it (or turning the sound off and making up our own lines). Or, even a great movie, and just being quiet. -Knowing that there will ALWAYS be at least one person to lean on when I'm down, or even at a party and uncomfortable. I'd do the same for him. -Talking. Just random talks, about anything from the serious to the fun. -Those goofy-oh-so-nauseating couple 'selfies' you see on facebook. Yeah, I want a few of those, but not too many. I don't want to make myself too sick. There's a few of mine. Of course, most of these can be done while courting, but knowing that they've chosen me to do all of lifes stuff with for as long as we can together. Yeah, that makes this stuff even better.
  5. Thought you were gonna read about the reasons why I'm waiting until I'm married to DD to have sex?? Sorry, this is actually by the founder of Made in His Image. Still really good though. Great for those of you who are waiting and Christian. http://madeinhisimage.org/why-im-waiting-to-have-sex-until-im-married/ ~Sally
  6. For Your Husband...

    If your husband always wanted you to shave "down there" would you? If it hurt, would you instead wax or something else?
  7. I don't believe that anyone should ever feel this way. I hope that my future husband and I can have good communication about sex and explore each other's fantasies/desires. What are your thoughts ?!?
  8. So, first of all I want to dissuade any attempt to discuss my level of maturity and the broad scope of my relationship decision in general. I've served in the Army and am currently going to college. My girl is working at a private Christian academy and attending college...so it's sort of long distance by a couple of hours, and distractions/other issues aren't really the problem. Well, we met at a Christian camp we both worked at, and sort of rekindled our friendship a few years later, ie recently. We'd been talking for a few months and have finally made it official. Obviously the problem is that I found out she made a mistake a few months before we were talking...the hard part for her being that she has a big role in the church as a worship leader and missions worker and had actually just gotten back form a long missions trip...so you can think how the church looks at it. Another couple of important things to start with are that the guy she slept with (twice only) was pretty random and she says it was a period of weakness for her because of other things with her family she's dealt with in the past, not to mention he was suicidal and it sounds like he really goaded her into giving herself away. We are both in our twenties and she lives at home currently while the whole college thing is being completed. My biggest problem is of course my continuing mental anguish over this random guy she has been with and my seeming inability to erase it from my mind. I've told her this and she told me about her mistake the night we discussed a serious relationship...so communication has been excellent. I've tried praying about this and reading other people's reviews and all I see are horribly negative things about guys who were in my position. Well, I'm looking for some real Christian advice on what I should do to help the situation...I can't stop visualizing all the stuff they must have done and whether she's still thinking about it..etc. etc. I would really like to hear from someone with experience in this situation...or any wisdom at all really, I REALLY like this girl, and we've prayed about our relationship a lot, I don't take things like this lightly and I don't want some stupid thoughts in my head to ruin everything else...oh and I wouldn't' mind details about things like what it was like on that wedding night, or what a non-virgin girl thinks about a relationship she's had with a virgin guy such as myself...Thank you if you got this far.
  9. Hi Everyone! So Josh's question about the amount of years we'd like to be alone with our spouse before having kids made me think- what if your husband/wife didn't want to have kids? What if they didn't want to/couldn't have biological children and would rather adopt? Would that be a deal-breaker in a relationship? Personally, if I don't have kids, that's fine. But I've been thinking about it and I would prefer to have kids if I can. I have a lot to offer in advice, love, and guidance for a child/children and it would make those later years in life more memorable and fulfilling. Adoption would be great too- there are a lot of kids out there that need love, and I would be happy to raise a few if my husband couldn't have children. (Not sure if this question was posed, but feel free to answer if you'd like). So what do you think?
  10. Is God Waiting On Me?

    I'm someone who grew up in the church. Before moving an hour away from my hometown, I was the girl who went to church every Sunday and Wednesday, was in the choir, and was just very involved. Even though I did all of these things, I have still always felt like I wasn't doing enough or my relationship with God was not where it needed to be. I don't read and study my bible like I know I should. I also know I don't pray and talk to God as much as I need to. I think about this every day. I tell myself tomorrow is going to be different. I'm going to do what I need to do. And the next day, still, nothing changes. I sometimes feel like God knows where he wants me to be and he knows that I am not ready personally, spiritually, emotionally, etc. for a relationship or marriage? Has anyone ever felt like this before? Since I already know what's wrong with me, is God waiting on me to change, handle my responsibilities, and mold myself so that I will be a better person for the man He is going to send my way? I guess I'm just looking for your opinions on the matter...