Search the Community

Hi everyone! My name is Hunter you can read my introduction post on the "introduce yourself" forum. I wanted to begin by telling you all about my situation. I just recently got into a new relationship after 2 years of gloriously being single and only worrying about school and getting all A's. However, I have never really learned to trust people or be emotionally stable. It's something I've always struggled with. In my younger years, I had two very best friends. Friend A killed himself and friend B started hanging around the "popular" groups and left me behind. After that, I have been emotionally wrecked and heartbroken. I just feel like I can't trust anyone without them eventually betraying me. If you read my introduction, you will know I am big on waiting until marriage to have any sexual contact. I told my boyfriend at the beginning of our current relationship I was planning to wait until marriage. Part of the reasons I fell for him was because I thought he was a good Christian man and I really just kinda felt like he and I fit perfectly. He was class president of his senior year and was really involved with school just like me! The first week of college, he said something funny in class and I turned around and smiled at him and he smiled back. That following Monday he came up to me and introduced himself and instantly I felt a connection with him. However, when we started sharing stories of our past relationships he told me that he had sex once with the girl he just broke up with this past May. They had dated for 1 year and he was planning on waiting until marriage but she pushed it and he gave in. I honestly felt sick to my stomach after hearing this. I felt like crying so I did. It still haunts me and we've been dating for over two months now. All over facebook, I can still see pictures of them at the fair, christmas time, etc. His ex-girlfriend never took them down and he still has one of them on his Instagram and facebook. The pictures showed them gazing into each other's eyes, him sitting on her lap with his arms around her, and wrapped in each other's embrace. Every time I am with him it feels right, but then this feeling of how he has already given himself away haunts me to the point of insanity. I just feel like I can never truly be happy without a feeling of desolation overcoming me. I don't want to sound dramatic but even though it's been a couple months since they've broken up, I still feel like they share a connection. When he showed me a song the other day, it was romantic of course, a song lyric line was inferring sex and I just kinda wanted to break down and scream out WHY??? It's like at this point I want to feel an emotional connection with him but there is like this wrong feeling that creeps up. He told me that he regretted doing it but for some reason, it just haunts me all the freaking time. All I feel is sadness and anger. It's like something broke in me at a young age and was never able to reheal. How does one deal with something like this? How do you learn to trust someone without sharing too much information with them? Any tips for keeping your anger under control or emotions in check?