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Everything posted by Viva

  1. I married a non waiter. Problem came from him. I learned that it is a myth when nonvirgins say doing it will make you learn about how to do it. Actually, I always knew it was bs. Let's remind ourselves that our ancestors went to marriage without knowing how to do it. My hubby simply showed me in action that the thing was complete myth. Yep, I was virgin, but I was the one to teach him how to do it by making him forget how to do it. It is all in passion. Our sex crazed people know the least about sex. When you let love take control you are actually not having sex. You are instead making love. This is gonna be a huge challenge in a marriage if you lose virginity before it.
  2. Everything but Sexual Intercourse

    I married that guy. All my ex's believed in that, but not all of them were virgin. I rejected all those who wanted that before marriage.
  3. In public: You know that whole, "Aww, it is hard to find a man like yours". He is completely different outside. He looks very sophisticated. I thought I won after waiting. He wanted to be treated like a virgin also. I listened to that. Bomb dropped on me when I saw his inability to understand the meaning of what we were supposed to do on the night of our wedding. He couldn't understand what "special" meant. He couldn't bond. It was this same old "seen this before, did this before". I now completely understand the true meaning of virginity. It goes beyond biology and it truly is about two people and not one. I also see how the term damaged good is not an insult. It is real!
  4. I can't understand why men believe that their sexual life wouldn't affect their wives. I am a female married to a non-waiter. We were together for 7 years before it. He did wait for me. I never had any problem with his past. But on wedding night, he proved he was not different from Tom, Dick and Harry. He wanted us to "practice" instead of actually doing it and oh, he wanted the thing to happen in our future apartment. That night continues to impact our lives. Many of the things that come in my head about him are extremely demeaning and I noticed men use them for women all the time. The strange thing is that those things are flowing naturally for which I can't even call myself judgmental. We did talk about the issue and he no more wanted to wait for the apartment. But the second and third time we tried turned out to be disappointing. It was very easy to see that there was no passion in what he was doing. He was "mechanical". I smelled his past in it also. Unfortunately, I find the idea of bringing "experience" to the bed offensive. I have no wish to see what he did with his previous 2 women. He again wanted me to speak about what happened. He now says what he heard from me makes him numb about sex. Media laments over women feeling ashamed about their sex lives. Here my husband says he is going through it so badly all day that he has lost his self confidence. Meanwhile, I keep feeling guilty for betraying myself by marrying him. I fear coming across the two women and feeling humiliated. I can't find any solution. My mental condition is deteriorating because I keep thinking how I am not his first and that I should have listened to my parents about the advantage of looking for men from law, medicine or other tough majors. Most of them are virgin because they know they will easily settle down. My husband has become clingier than ever. He keeps giving me suicide threats and cries like crazy. He keeps begging me to see him as a virgin, but I can't reject the truth. I wish the media and men would understand that not all women are okay with males randomly sleeping around. I wish they would not let unmarried people write about the joy of premarital sex. Mind goes through a huge change after marriage. We finally begin to see that sex is actually made for husband and wife. Anything done before it will always backfire somewhere in the future. There is no double standard. It is just that some women have lowered their standard.
  5. You sound far more mature than me from the past. I had countless opportunities, but at the last minute, I always said "No". You did the right thing. He would have left even if you were nonvirgin. The only difference is that he would have done that after receiving what he aimed for. However, we really need to understand that waiting is beneficial to the society. It is a practical choice.
  6. How many…?

    I had all stable relationships with no sex. One very short and two very long before I met my husband. My partings always seemed to have something to do with moving away to a diff state or country. But yeah, none of those men ever made me feel "high" in love like my husband. I never did drugs, but I think the weird sensation I got could pass as one. I felt like I was having a rebirth almost physically and floating every time I spoke to him. It all turned out to be mutual. He came only after I told myself I deserved the best. Things then weirdly started to unfold. I will still say the man who came before him still had a weird impact on me. Kinda hard to forget. But then again, I see this to be true only when the man is a virgin.
  7. That is a myth nonwaiting frauds in disguise of experts use to scare people to go for the shortcut aka, lose virginity in the wrong way. My husband fell for it and even yesterday was crying about how he was scammed some 13 years ago. You will not end up being alone, but you dont wanna be with the wrong person either. Can you PM me your date of birth? After traveling the world, I have come to conclusion that almost anyone can be our friends. That said, you probably like us look self sufficient for which people don't think you need help. Churches, mosque and synagogues won't talk about that because they have to build their Facebook friend list
  8. Depends on the kind of demands the kids have to bear. If you push them to education things will be different. Muslim, Jews and South Asian families in the west consider kids to be kids. Parents don't want them to do anything extra and it works. Most of those communities have a large number of kids going in STEM and making a lot of money. Virginity before marriage is no big deal. The west currently is very hypocrite when it comes to kids' lifestyle. Here in the US, I think all 50 states approve child marriage. I met many in CA. They usually stay quiet because of how the marriage is stigmatized. But strangely, our society tells us that as teens we are to do everything minus applying for the marriage license to get approved by our peers and sometimes families. Nobody cares about the heartbreak that follows. Apparently, teens have a higher rate of cheaters and from my observation, most number of short lived relationships. Poor love life breeds not only poor focus on education, but also least amount of thought about an organized future. Thrown out of the house at age 18 really seals the deal. That is the age when brain is still growing. But our "adults" believe by separating the kids at that age they are teaching them to be responsible. Modern life is not easy especially if you consider marketing and how everything is so expensive. Btw, I did specialize in marketing. We have been taught today's and yesterday's western lifestyles have a huge diff. People used to be once happy with whatever they had. It was the tobacco companies which found this as an obstacle to selling cigarettes and thus, brought out a never before seen lifestyle in which a human has to DESIRE and DESIRE. It entered our every area. People are taught they need to live in the moment or they are losers. The formula of our sexual liberation is not new. But you really will end up with a horrible result if you send an 18 year old to face the outside world alone. A great prey to evil marketers!
  9. Sorry for being late. Why didn't these people see counselors when they were feeling all depressed for being lonely? I sent a request also. I guess they are not here at the moment. But its okay. We finally took care of the thing.I had a miscarriage. It made me angrier. I literally took up a lot of pain for someone who tossed away peace from our marriage just because he was feeling lonely back in the days. Now I am wondering whether to ever get pregnant again. It has to do with first time. Apparently, how we lose virginity decides our future sex life. This one is important. Thanks for link. Being a nonvirgin means work harder in the marriage My problem is that I am overly rational. Haven't gone for counselling yet.
  10. Humorous: Why you should wait!

    I was not waiting. I just needed a certified surgeon to operate on me.
  11. Yeah, I am still a virgin because he doesn't get how to do that with me. When I said orthodox i meant his own made up religion. He also tried twisting the meaning of virginity. Was their history similar to mine? I'll request for the transfer. Thanks for the recommendations. That fully describes our problem. We had lots of talks about intimacy over the years. Actually, he was the one who started the talk about special night some weeks before our marriage. I was completely prepared. He poured water over it by saying that he wanted to first "practice" with me and do the actual deed after we get our own place. But as we know, I didn't marry him to enjoy what he did with other women. Otherwise, i would have married some polygamous person. He seems to be suffering from the same thing seen in other nonvirgins. Every time I want to talk about the "concept of special" he switches to, "everything between us is special". I can't then continue. I am now basically giving him hints. Do you have any tips on that? I did tell him to do what you suggested above. Apparently, he doesn't know how to do it. He tried extending the foreplay, but it only left me feeling guilty instead of aroused. It seemed like I was forcing him and the sex was just all about me. It is me making love to myself and functional sex between him and me. That's an addon to the problem. But I would say I am not ready to accept his baggage. Thank you for the link. I'll check it. It seems he has problem with the term if I use it for us, but recently, he concluded that the act before the marriage is the "ultimate sin". He has never been religious and often showed disinterest in religions. This is the first time in years I am hearing words like purity and sin from his mouth. Rushing is the biggest culprit in this situation.
  12. You are right, but I never understood why it is like this for them. Oh, actually, I have been always clear with him that it wasn't about him, but how to make love to a virgin. Things have to be taken slowly. He still doesn't get that....even demo I forwarded to him didn't work!!!! But of course, that won't change the rate of our persistence It would have never happened. His behavior on wedding night changed everything. I am still trying to work with him on the issue. But so far what I have been seeing is that he doesn't know the definition of "special". I just wanted him to study. I never bought the idea of experience simply because as we know, the history shows plenty of people lived without it and still had strong marriage. I think my request for him is quite tiny. That said, your comment is interesting especially when we take the society into consideration. Why sexual experience is a must, but not the experience of a husband? Things fully don't change after the marriage anyways. Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, things seem to be heading that direction. Bad!!! I am fighting it. lol, I am still a virgin We had lots of conversation about sex before the marriage. But something bizarre is happening. He doesn't open up directly like before. It seems as if he is literally going "orthodox christian" without calling himself religious. Not sure if he is still agnostic. Surprisingly, he told me not to use the word "sex" in our case because he believes it is demeaning I will try that out. Thanks.
  13. Why do guys do this?...

    In the beginning of our relationship, something like that happened. I was brokenhearted when I caught his eyes. We solved it quite quick though. Never it happened again. In your case also, I believe they did it to make sure their girlfriends didn't catch them looking at you.
  14. It is the current norm fueled by the Bush era economic crisis. So don't worry. The phenomenon is now global. I would still say that it has always been common in California for adult children. My husband is in his 30's. Before we married, I convinced him to stay with his parents while I was doing my masters 2 hours away. It helped him greatly. He paid off all his student loans, bought a house and gained his dream skill of repairing cars in their yard. He couldn't have done it in an apartment. He hates to live with his parents though. It is quite unlikely that a woman would reject you for your choice of home. What I am used to seeing now is that plenty of girlfriends are warming up to the idea of living in their boyfriends' parental home.
  15. Yes, that was the exact thing I had in mind. I truly believed our wedding was blessed because once I told him that if God wanted we would be wife and husband. I said that randomly despite both of us agreeing that we would be together forever. Just like you, I am thinking that those are satanic whispers. But I keep going back to that when I see that my husband saying he hurt me and then asking me what to do. I am kind of used to seeing my father coming up with his own ideas to eliminate any issues between him and my late mom especially when he was at fault. So I get very sad to see my husband being clueless. It feels as if I am the only one running the marriage. I agree. But I could have chosen someone else also right? All three relationships of mine ended because ex's had to move out to another country or state. It was all stable, but I didn't still do it with them. There is exclusivity in all relationships. What's the value of sex between a husband and wife if it is already shared with other people? I have trouble buying the logic about premarital sex. If it is to be done by thinking that it does not deserve to be made exclusive why not have it with parents, siblings, uncles, aunts or other relatives? What he did on wedding night resembles how cheating husbands avoid getting intimate with their wives. Oh no, he is 11 months older than me. I am just explaining the life of a nonvirgin. They give away all the things they should be saving for their marriage. It doesn't make sense that then they want to settle down. I mean to me it looks like them choosing to be senior citizens. The spouses for them are simply nurses and housekeepers. They work on retroactive jealousy. I have nothing to think about his past. I do get very sad when I realize people don't forget their first experience which unfortunately is not me in his case. I believe he can easily solve the problem. He is treating me like his nonvirgin ex's. You know there are rules on how to have it with a virgin? It is clear to me he didn't study that. That's a huge turn off.
  16. I refused to believe my rational side that marrying a nonvirgin would impact my life. For 7 years, his past was of no importance to me. It had nothing anyways. He told me he lost it because he was feeling miserable about being a virgin. His brother used to taunt him. But strangely, my then boyfriend started doing the same with his virgin best friend who went to study law. I didn't want to hurt him for which I didn't tell him that people in medicine, law and all other toughest STEM majors don't have time to care about their virginity. The average men on the street. Yeah, because we discussed the whole sex thing many many times, that practice thing didn't make sense to me. Also he kept telling me all week before it how the night was gonna be so special. This was my interpretation: "See, I had sex before and I will show you how to have it." That's like bringing the past women to bed on wedding night. Some things from my head: What's so special about our sex if he already had it with other women? What's so special about him? He is used. What if I meet those two women as his wife? Will they laugh at me? He looks like a senior citizen to me and this marriage is a retirement home. I am a dog with a bone thrown to me by those two women after they were done eating the meat out of it. I wish men would learn how to be a husband instead of sleeping around. They shouldn't be blaming women for initiating divorce. What's left for them if their right is given to other women? Eventually, the wives are forced to face the truth that they are housekeepers. I don't know about others, but in my eyes, men do lose value and attractiveness the more their number of sleeping partners go up. They are HPV risk anyways. It can be known only if the female partner ends up contracting. He gets over sensitive. I have been trying to discuss the matter just like adults. But for each line, I get fountain of tears from him. What I have been trying to tell him is that whatever happens between us should not include his past. He says he doesn't know how to do that. He keeps repeating that since he hurt me he doesn't deserve to live. He says if I don't answer his call on time he feels like committing suicide because he believes I am gone. I am having trouble explaining to him someone married doesn't do that. Unfortunately, there is no therapy that would help us. The services (work rarely) are structured to eliminate retroactive jealousy which isn't the problem between us.
  17. They are more vulnerable. The subreddit called red pills has some threads in which men were boasting about using divorced people just for sex. Another time I read a thread on a different forum in which single moms were talking about how it was difficult to find a relationship. Apparently, the men they were trying to date wanted only sex. As a healthcare person, I would say the rape trauma is same for both the married and unmarried.