aj05

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About aj05

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  • Birthday 03/25/1993

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  1. Anxiety is tough. I've had a couple of times in my life where it was really bad. It's been fine outside of those couple times but now it is picking up again (even typing and thinking about the stuff I wrote below causes the anxiety to ratchet up again). I hope I can. I've talked to a counselor a couple times about it. I feel like he is helpful in some ways but also unhelpful. He's tried to minimize the importance of sex by comparing it to the most trivial of things but it's just not realistic. It is very important and will probably always worry me. I just can't take it lightly. I am just so lost and unsure about what to do about anything. I don't know what I should do, if I'm doing the right things, etc. It's all so confusing and difficult and it's freaking me out. I just figured it would all work itself out but life is crazy. I never even put much thought into waiting for marriage until recently. I always planned to do it, but now I'm just so concerned that things aren't going to go right. I mean all of this on a broader scale than what I'm about to say as well (sorry if I seem like I'm just talking in circles, but this is really messing with me). I'm not sure if you are aware of my situation, but I've fallen for a girl recently. I've never met someone that seems so right for me and is so much like me than her. Granted we have not yet met in person because she lives a couple hours away, but the connection is strong and she feels it too and wants to meet eventually. The problem that she doesn't even know yet is that I have a very hard time seeing myself ever being with her because of my problem, despite how badly I want to. Up until a little before we started talking, she was a complete virgin and never had any form of sexual contact. Well, that isn't the case anymore and for some reason she spoke with me about it, describing it without describing it exactly. She apparently met up with a guy a few times and "experimented" despite "not liking him at all". She began telling me about this not long after we started talking (it didn't bother me then because I didn't have feelings) and recently now that we've connected more, she brought it up again (after we professed our feelings). I really don't know why she brought it up again, but it just made things worse. We all make mistakes, but this just torments me and I can't get these thoughts out of my mind. I know it's way too early but it just seems like my mind could never get past it and seriously date her no matter how much I like her and how much I want to. Like no matter how hard my heart might want her in the future, my brain will likely have a really tough time cooperating... And if I can't be with her, then it will probably do the same thing with the next girl because what are the odds that she is completely a virgin? It just seems like I could never end up happy barring some huge miraculous stroke of luck. Sorry for rambling on and on. You just seem very empathetic and helpful and it's just been a huge struggle for me lately. You make very good points. Those are very real concerns, some of which I hadn't even considered. Ugh the more I think about it, the more it feels like I'm gonna die alone though lol.
  2. Thank you for the response! That's a really good perspective to put on it! I'm so sorry for what happened to your fiance. That is absolutely terrible and I can't even imagine having to go through something like that. I'm so happy that he was able to recover and become a much better man because of it! I'll be the first to admit, I'm struggling right now. I'm not struggling because I don't think I'll be able to wait until marriage. I know for a fact that I can and will get there. I'm just struggling with what I can deal with regarding my future wife and also worrying about the possible "what ifs" involved. I'll explain more of my thoughts in detail as I go along. 1. That's a very good point! I hadn't really thought about all of those potential benefits leading up to marriage. My reasons for waiting have to do with being pure and loyal to my future wife, well before I even meet her. I want her to know that she was and is the only one for me and the only one I've ever shared this experience with. I also want to honor God and do what is right in his eyes. I know deep down that premarital sex is wrong and sinful. I don't take it lightly and I don't want anyone that doesn't deserve to have that control over me have that control over me. I also am very wary of STDs, which I view as a clear sign that having loveless sex is the wrong thing to do. 2. That's a good point as well. I just know that it is very hard to control other people and over time people change. I've seen it happen, and it has ended up in divorce. To me it would feel like a waste should it happen because it seems just like having a regular unmarried sexual relationship with someone and then eventually splitting up. At the end of the day, in both scenarios, you gave it away to the wrong person and you can never share that pure experience with the correct person down the line. 3. Certainly not. I would never try to say that you should feel shame for your spouse dying. In fact, in this scenario, you likely waited for the right person but God just had other plans for them much earlier than you would have hoped. I just look at it similarly to number 2, in terms of an end result kind of way. If you do end up finding someone else down the line, you can never share that pure experience with them and know that both of you only gave yourselves to one another. 4. You are absolutely right and I know this as well! If virginity were the prize, then it wouldn't matter who we married, so long as they are a virgin. It is definitely the person as a whole that is the prize. While I certainly do not feel as though ANYONE loses their value as a person based on those actions alone, in terms of me being able to eventually date and/or end up with them, it feels to me like they become off limits. Like it ends right there in my mind both because I feel strongly about having that pureness together and because I don't think I could get past it (it just bothers me way too much). 5. You are certainly right. It all would have not been a waste for those reasons. However, it would just seem very disappointing of course and such a scenario would really upset me because of all of the reason I mentioned before. I think my biggest issue is that I have a really big phobia of having sex with someone that is not a virgin. I just find it very unsettling to think that certain things happened. This bothers me from both an emotional and physical standpoint (germs, knowing what happened, etc.). It really doesn't even matter what the case is to me. I don't know what it is. I don't know if maybe it goes way back to middle school when they tried to sell to us that when you have sex with someone you are having sex with anyone they ever had sex with as well (that one hit home hard). It's really difficult, and I'm just trying to work through it. Thank you once again for the very nice reply. EDIT: I’m starting to feel like I may need to seek help. I don’t know anyone that thinks the way I do, and I’m feeling a ton of anxiety about everything.
  3. Ladies, your thoughts on guys crying.

    As the prophet Drake once said: "I'm hearing all of the jokes, I know they tryna push me. I know that showin' emotion don't ever mean I'm a (you get the idea)". Me personally, I'm a man and I don't cry very much. It has to be something really big for me to cry, but I don't see anything wrong with it. I definitely would never do it in public though. However, as long as you're crying over something worth crying over, then it just shows that you're human in my book. I used to cry a little more often when I was alone and was going through things, but honestly I can't even do that anymore. Even if it would give relief, it just doesn't happen. I'm not sure why.
  4. I remember reading on Facebook way after the fact that a guy I used to go to elementary school with was waiting. Other than him, no, I don't know any that are specifically waiting. I do know quite a few virgins though.
  5. I know this is really old but in a lot of ways I feel like the guy in this post. It has caused me a lot of depression and anxiety as well (but not to this degree). The thought of the girl I'm talking to doing anything sexual with someone else just makes me sick to my stomach. I don't think it has anything to do with confidence either. I'm very confident in myself and she makes me feel confident in myself as well. Not to mention it's not like she was satisfied in just about any way to begin with during that experience. Simply getting emotional about things has nothing to do with whether or not you have confidence. That's not the issue and I doubt it ever would be because sex would come way down the road anyway. I think part of it is the lack of exclusivity. I really want to be her only one ever and for her to be my only one ever (obviously way too early with this girl, but just talking generally). It's just very disturbing to me otherwise and maybe that's just my own problem I need to work out. While it obviously isn't, it feels like a betrayal. It's the same action that would be considered a betrayal if you were together. I don't understand how people can have no problems or feelings with this. I've asked myself that for a very long time in fact. I just don't get it.
  6. Hi, thank you for the response! Wow is that a lot to unpack lol. I guess it would be helpful if I explained myself a little as well. I am religious, although that's only about half of my reasoning for WTM. I just feel very strongly about remaining loyal to my future wife and I view sex as a very serious commitment that should only be done between people that truly love each other. I really want my future wife to also be a virgin because the thoughts of her being with someone else would absolutely torment me as well. The situation I described in my original post bothers me because I really want to be with someone where we are mutually each other's one and only forever. Anything else is just bothersome to me. I completely get what you're saying about the emotional attachment possibly freaking you out. I've obviously never had sex but when I do get involved with someone, most of the time I tend to get very attached to them and it is very hard for me to get over them when it ends. It's actually been the source of the two very bad depressive stages I've had in my life. I can't imagine how hard that would be if I ever got physical with them! It was really interesting to hear your perspective on the whole thing. I think in some ways it would be easier for you because you don't really mind if the other person is a virgin, however I also think that (based on your response should your husband die) it might be harder for you in some ways. As I said, I've (naively) fallen way too hard for a few of those I've gotten involved with. It's just something that happens with me for whatever reason. I don't open up to a lot of people, but when I do and vice-versa it can really cause me to have some strong emotions. It seems like it can happen really suddenly as well. Like one day I'll be completely fine and the next my emotions are just completely taking over my brain lol. But anyway, despite falling hard and going through a down time, I've always been able to eventually pick myself up and feel as good as new. It does make me wary of getting involved with anyone for awhile though. In fact, I actually never DO go looking for someone, it always just happens when I'm not looking. You have a different disposition than me definitely. While I am very strong in so many ways, breakups hit me very hard and I believe death would hit me even harder. I'm actually very concerned about how I will react the first time someone close to me dies. Why do I feel uncomfortable asking them? Lol well for one, I have never talked to my mother about sex and I really don't want to. She knows nothing about my feelings toward sex and for all she knows I don't have any toward it. This also means she has no idea about my decision to WTM. I don't even know how I would bring that up. It's all just a very uncomfortable thing for me to talk about with family. I try very hard to avoid anything awkward with them, as they have not been the most helpful and easy to talk to in the past. I think the answer is pretty simple though, they don't care as much. The fact that they have each had former partner(s) doesn't bother them. That is good advice though to try to get comfortable with being in uncomfortable situations. I can be pretty shy, so I've had to work at this and I have gotten better at it. This, I'd rather just avoid however because I highly doubt the ends justify the means. Not to mention, a lot of other people might be able to give me just as good of an answer or maybe even better. Anyway, thank you very much for the reply! It was very insightful and is much appreciated!
  7. Net Neutrality.

    What a nice post! I only just joined the other day, but the people here have helped me already and I look forward to talking with and helping others as well! It's such a shame that it doesn't appear to be nearly as active as it once was, but nonetheless I feel like there was a reason I found it. I really hope nothing too bad comes out of all of this. I highly doubt it will affect this site too much, but it would really be a shame if it did. I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens.
  8. You are definitely right. I have to tell her and I have to do it soon. Like I said though, I'm just afraid that what I want doesn't exist. My emotions are crazy. One minute they are fine simply liking her as a friend and assuming we will never be anything more and the next they really want to be with her and have trouble imagining life without her (huge jump lol). A part of me is also afraid that maybe down the line this won't be such an issue for me. Like, I'm thinking this could just be an issue with me right now. I don't know. Like I said, I change a lot. I feel like I change every year in some way. My mind is just so confused and questioning everything. So I don't want to mess this up when it all just seems so great right now. I know you said it doesn't matter that we get along in so many other ways because of what you said about your situation, but those ways I'm referring to are kind of crazy. We have talked deeply about a lot of important stuff (including generally the whole sex thing but not quite to this level). She just seems like a carbon copy of me in like a lot of ways and it honestly scares me that I'll never find anyone as good as her. That's probably my biggest issue. She might be as perfect as it gets for me. I guess it just does all come down to talking to her. I don't know if there is a right answer about anything before doing that. Ugh, life is tough lol.
  9. I know this post is so old, but how would you guys get over that!? The thought of it just kills me.
  10. I need advice

    I understand your pain, I really do. I feel like I’ve been broken over and over again by my emotions and feelings having to do with relationships. I feel like I can be so chill and relaxed about everything else, but women always have a way of hurting me deeply (intentionally or not). Somehow, by the grace of God I always get through it and feel as good as new. Right now, I am going through something very similar to what you are. I feel like I’ve found the perfect girl for me (really this time; I was much more careful) but I am absolutely haunted by the sexual things she did with someone else. It has given me so much anxiety and depression, to the point that I feel like I’m having a mental breakdown. I don’t know if it helps knowing that I’m going through something similar, but I figured I’d at least tell you. I posted my detailed story and my struggle as well. I do hope you are able to find peace. God bless you.
  11. Yeah it is very important to me. It's always been in the back of my mind for years with girls I liked but I never knew one way or another what their experiences were, so I kind of just put it on the back burner. I also feel like with these past girls I tried to force it more and my reasons for liking them had to do more with my immaturity. That wasn't the case this time. This just happened naturally and, at least to my untrained brain, she seems like a keeper. But again, there's these two issues. The one I mentioned and the distance. Part of me also feels like I'm being ridiculous and doesn't want to mess a good thing up but my brain just has a lot of trouble with the idea of being with someone that has been with someone else. I definitely will need to talk to her at some point if this thing ever gets to the next level. If she truly is the one for me (way too early to know), she will be understanding and not get angry. It would be so great though if someone could build a time machine and make the whole thing not happen lol. I have looked into some of them, but I will do some more searching. I know that perspectives from others like me that have been through it will help for sure. And I will also keep asking God for guidance. Thank you once again. It really does help more than you know. EDIT: I think I might just have to get over it. I’ll never find anyone as good as her (for me personally) to begin with. Much less someone that is also a virgin. What I want doesn’t exist, or at least it died a few months ago.
  12. Sometimes I just feel so weak and harsh for thinking this way. It's not the way I want to think, and I just have trouble controlling my emotions in general about relationships. No matter how many times I tell my heart to hold back and not get too invested, it does it anyway. It's just got a lot to give and it's desperate to give it I guess. However, it's way too fragile, and my mind thinks too much. My mind and heart are very forgiving and can easily overlook a lot, but this one thing is just a real struggle. That seems like a good option, but like you said it's a very scary one. I feel like eventually I may have to tell her how I feel or it could just be bad and lead to bigger problems. Either that or somehow find a way to get over it on my own. She has no idea I feel like this at all. And it's tough because we get along so well. We literally have never once fought, even when we disagreed about something. Like I just smile, don't get mad, and think about how much I like her and maybe playfully tease her a little bit before we move onto something else. I feel like she could get very offended by me mentioning it or tell me I'm being ridiculous, etc. I know she likes me but I don't think she likes me quite as much as I like her. And I doubt if I told her I did something like she did she would even be as upset at all. Like I mentioned before, she was under the impression that I was not a virgin up until the last couple weeks because I never mentioned it and acted like that wasn't the case. I guess it's just the fact that we have never actually met in real life yet. I'm hoping we can in about a month. My counselor has told me that at that point everything may feel okay again, but I'm not sure. He thinks I may be filling in the blanks about this girl and fantasizing because of this fact, but I really haven't met anyone that I got along with this well in my life. I really don't think there's anyone I could talk to as long as I talk to her without getting bored. It just feels like I could have more fun and argue less with her than maybe anyone else in the world. Maybe my thoughts are way out of line and crazy but they are how I really feel after talking to her more than I've talked to any girl in my life. I really don't know what to do. It's all so confusing and I feel like I could possibly feel completely different about it all down the road. My mind has done crazy things before. Maybe I just need to lose my virginity myself and I'll feel better (I'm not going to because I don't believe in doing that, but it seriously might help with this situation lol). Anyway, thank you again for the great reply Peter! I feel like the more perspectives I can get from people here the better I'll be able to handle this situation and figure it all out. Maybe if some virgins that are with non-virgins were to see this and give their perspective, that could help a lot too.
  13. I have never and will never smoke or do drugs. I used to drink alcohol but I really don't anymore, even though I'm not necessarily opposed to it.
  14. I know this might be a bit of a sad subject, but bear with me if you can because I feel like it is important. I'm curious how those that successfully waited until marriage (anyone else can chime in as well) would feel if they ever entered the dating world again? Maybe the two of you unfortunately grew apart and you got divorced or, much worse, your significant other passed away. After the recovery period ended, what would be your thoughts about dating? You obviously would no longer be a virgin, but would you still prefer your future spouse to be a virgin themselves? Would this make you question your entire approach of looking for a virgin? I ask because I've thought about this myself. Even if I get through all of the struggles and find myself a wife that is also a virgin and we get married, who is to say that we won't eventually break up or something awful happens and we no longer can be together? It would all feel like a waste to me because I would have lost my virginity to someone I am no longer with. How would you get past this? I'm not sure, but I'm hopeful that some of the responses can help ease my concerns about the person I eventually end up with being a virgin like me. EDIT: Also, my parents got divorced and my mom is currently dating a widower, so I've wondered how they deal with it (I don't think either waited until marriage though). Either way, I feel very uncomfortable asking them of course.
  15. Hi Invincible, thank you for the reply! It means a lot. It really is amazing to me that so many people DON'T care. The thought of it really drives me crazy and I don't know how I could get over it. I've always dreamed that my wife was also a virgin but I knew that it would take a lot of luck. Now that I'm 24, the odds just seem to be going down. I really want to give this girl a chance because I feel like there could definitely be something there (although I've been very wrong before) but I just don't know how I can get past this. I don't know how much counseling can help for this issue, unless it can just completely change my mindset and make me not care (something I honestly would be okay with because it would take so much current and future potential stress away from me). But I just don't think I'll ever be that pragmatic about it, unless I end up losing my purity/virginity before marriage myself. The counselor is trying very hard to get me not to think of virginity as so important. He's asking me why it's so important to not have done something. He used the example of sending a text message, saying that once you've sent one you can never "not have sent one". He makes a lot of sense but it just doesn't work like that to me. I don't feel like I would ever have an issue with being compared, at least with this girl. From everything she said, it was not good and she did not like it. I still will never understand her reasoning for doing it in the first place, though. She could have tried harder to learn how she could make herself achieve "it", even though she says she did try and never had any success. It's such a shame because even after all of this, she still never achieved "it". So in every sense it was a complete waste. It's very hard to say how she views it. I'd guess that if she could do it over again, she would not have done it. She is overall pretty conservative about the whole thing, but I'm not sure if that just has to do more with her own hangups about sex and germs or she thinks virginity/purity is just a better way to go. When I told her that I was a virgin she said that she thought that was a really good thing. I don't think she has remorse. I think she feels like it was an okay thing to do to get experience but now she doesn't want to ever do anything like that again. I don't even think the fact that the guy was someone she didn't like in that way makes any difference to me. If it was a steady boyfriend, I don't think it would have made a difference in my mind. It's just the lack of complete virginity that bothers me a lot. Anyway, thanks for listening to my rambling. Any and all support helps. EDIT: I guess what really hurts the most is how close I feel like I was to finding someone that was as perfect as I'd ever want them to be, that was good for me, that I would really be able to enjoy time with, etc. A lot of those things might still be true, but I feel like this will always bother me deeply. If only I had gotten to her just a little sooner or she had been able to please herself... It's so hard. I just want her to be the one because it's been such a struggle and there's been a lot of pain along the way.