Hi there, guys.
This is on my heart and I'm working through it. I made a new account on this site because I want to be totally anonymous.
I am a virgin and I have always thought that God would honor my persistence in waiting with giving me another virgin to marry. I never entered my mind that the person I'd end up marrying would be a non-virgin.
Well...a LOT of bad things happened last year and earlier this year. I won't go into it all, but the end result is that I met an amazing man, wonderful, sweet, kind, patient, caring, awesome, funny...everything I'd ever wanted...
Except not a virgin.
I had kind of accepted that he was in love before, long time ago in relationships. But then he told me the real story.
His first expirience of sex was nonconsensual. I won't go into details, but believe me, guys CAN be raped. It's so sad and awful.
If that had been the only time, it would still be hard to deal with. But after this happened, he kept having sex with her in the relationship. I'm guessing he felt used and insecure and thought "why not?" because it had already happened. Well, that relationship ended and he ended up having sex with one more person, much in the same way. Not rape, but manipulation and insecurity.
Now, this adds another layer for me to work through. He's not technically a virgin, but sex is GIVING and he didn't give. It was taken from him.
I've always focused on that first time as being so important between two virgins, the act of giving and purity of waiting and knowing no one else has shared that intimacy. But he didn't make the choice to share that. He didn't even expirience a stupid high school "first time" in the back of a car. He waited till after college, and was still waiting when this happened. But then just gave in.
He has since stopped doing that...come full circle and got into a serious relationship with God and into his religion. He hasn't had sex since that happened (it's been years), and really is good at helping us keep our chastity. He realizes how these relationships were not healthy, and not good, and sinful. And that he needed to get away from them, and he did.
I'm looking for some emotional support, I guess. I love him very much. We are engaged and getting married in a few months. I'm just having such a hard time, still...it comes in waves: anger, jealousy, fear of comparison, anger that I wasn't worth waiting for, etc. I know these are not LOGICAL conclusions. They are emotional reactions to having grown up in a purity culture that wasn't very healthy, in my opinion, and the emphasis on virginity and the wedding night being both of your first times. It was always in my head that keeping your virginity was pretty much the most important thing you could do in relationships. I had horrible models of relationships growing up, lots of fake church people and trying to project the image of this great family, when it was all rotten on the inside. I know this distress is a symptom of that. But it's so hard, guys. I love him so much...I'm so happy to marry him. I just cannot get this image out of my head that it's supposed to be two virgins and that I'm lowering my standards somehow. And I'm angry that I waited and won't be able to say I was worth waiting for.
Please don't judge me too harshly.