Adam

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About Adam

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  1. It is strange that you would be bothered about the normalcy of that specific decision but with anything else you don't care about holding to the "normal" standard. If I had to guess, perhaps it's the massive risk that comes with WTM. Such a risk deters the majority of people from doing it, and as such, it's considered an abnormal thing to do. In this case, practicality is associated with normalcy, and maybe this is why it's bugging you. You are inviting the potential for grievous consequences onto yourself for deciding to wait, the biggest one being the possibility of never finding someone. It's also hard to accurately read the true intentions of a person who decides to wait, so you might not know what they will actually have in store for you should you find someone to marry. People wait for a lot of reasons, but not all of them are honest. It can feel like a total gamble, and because there are so few people waiting, you are playing against the odds. You add in your own preferences/dealbreakers, and the odds get that much slimmer. All things considered, deciding to wait might seem like an "illogical" thing to do. Since most people don't wait, you might assume that makes them "logical". Now the issue ceases to be about fitting in with everybody else and becomes all about questioning your own intelligence. I think this is what's bothering you, but I could be way off and I apologize if I am. If it is bothering you, I will just say that non-waiters have their own slew of issues and consequences to deal with on their own, and a lot of the risks that come with marriage in general apply to both waiters and non-waiters. Regardless of their choices, nobody is guaranteed a happy marriage. We each merely have our own approach to setting the foundation for one. Heck, many people will even say that marriage itself is illogical, but clearly that's not an opinion that any of us entertain. Waiting is what you believe in, and that's all that matters. You do seem committed to your decision, and that is great. I think the stress of waiting is alleviated to a degree if you are a person of faith, but otherwise you will just have to hold on to hope. You know why you're waiting, and you've being doing it for this long already. You don't need to justify yourself to any detractor. I'm sure you already know how to ignore the people who criticize you or look down on you for your decision. There is also a certain empowerment that comes with waiting that you need to find within yourself. It will make everything so much easier. But keep sticking to your guns. Waiting is never supposed to be easy, and many go through what you're going through. You've also got everybody here to talk with at any time.
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    Wait, that was my 100th post? How embarrassing... Oho, now you're just straight up bullying me. How rude! But I know you're lying. You can't hide that the highlight of your day is getting to see that I've replied to you and liked your posts. That's gotta be a rush, huh? You're the dog here, wagging her proverbial tail at the sound of the notification bell. But I guess I can't blame you, surely anyone would behave the same at the thought of my interaction with them. It must be a natural reflex... I agree that liking a post can give a mixed signal, and I admit I do have my limits on what I would like too. But I do feel like if someone put in a lot of effort into a post, they should be recognized for it. Even if I disagree with it. This is especially true if their post acknowledges something I said, so I think it's fair to like them. The posts that I won't like are ones that I feel are too vague and questionable to like, as it might imply something I didn't intend to imply. And of course, the genuinely disrespectful ones I won't like either. Other than those, I've got all the likes to give around. They might have known you for longer... but I bet they'll like me more than you! Thinking that my validation is worthless... how naive. Everybody benefits from having my confidence in them. It's just too valuable to pass up. You'll come to understand that eventually. I suppose you will just have to interpret that as a compliment. After all, it's not very often that you of all people would get any from me!
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    I would be completely fine talking about something like that in private, it's just in an open space like this I would be cautious about it. But I'm just being a broken record at this point, so I apologize. Go to bed. Someone should post a meme to diffuse the situation.
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    It's cool, I get you. I just worry that someone else won't. I don't even know how to talk about this without potentially invalidating somebody.
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    Hold on, I know you're joking but that might be a bit too touchy of a subject to bring up in this thread. Sorry if I'm being so sudden, but I wouldn't want anybody else to misinterpret what you're saying. I was just joking about everybody requiring my approval, but it was as if I'm some kind of high-class, well-esteemed marker of greatness. Obviously I'm not, and I was in no way referencing anything to do with gender dynamics. Gah, sorry if I'm just patronizing you now. I'm sure you already understand, but anybody else who comes in here might not. I wouldn't want to risk letting a playful exchange escalate into something worse.
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    Now there's a thought worth exploring. I really don't know how anyone could live without my approval. The very idea of that is frightening!
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    Ah, I get it. I know some people like that. I kinda figured that it might be like that with you, but it definitely is risky to make an assumption like that on the forums since we don't actually know each other all that much. But I understand now. I'll just have to never compliment you ever again. But in all seriousness, it is hard sometimes for even me to tell when those friends of mine are being serious or when they are just being their usual selves. I can never be too sure.
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    See, I thought the exact same thing. But then I thought I would give her one anyway because maybe she likes to get likes. Although, I generally do like any post that I'm acknowledging, as well as any that are replying to me. I don't think it hurts. Surely it must be more exciting to see a "2" instead of only a "1" above the notification bell. But hey, I'll even like posts that I disagree with, so perhaps I'm just far more generous than you are... A clever gambit, but ultimately a farce. The admins will see right through your tyranny and see that I stand on the side of justice. Your oppression is nearing its end.
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    Well I don't think you're stupid, and because my opinion is better than yours, you should totally disregard your own feelings and completely adhere to my own. Seriously though, you are smart. But what if the moon really is backwards? Oh, how terrifying! It seems your wrath will never cease. I suppose I'll just have to counteract this by continuing to make high quality posts chock-full of thought provoking content. You could never be prepared for the sheer amount of effort I'm going to put into every meaningful post I submit for this illustrious thread! Hold on, I might have something. Well right now, this is what I'm thinking. I hope I'm not alone in this?
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    @seabutterfly Oh my, I didn't mean it like that either. I should have used better words. I don't think you're stupid, and you shouldn't either. Everything was in good fun.
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    Don't worry, it's cool. I understand how you feel though, I don't really buy into that stuff either. But I am used to hearing about it from some of my friends, so I guess I'm inadvertently "experienced" in a discussion like this. It's okay, you haven't ruined anybody's fun. Although I know how important it is to you to stop other people from having fun, so I'm sorry that hasn't panned out. Just kidding.
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    Sorry if that bugged you. Honestly I was just playing along for fun, it's not like I actually go around perpetuating these beliefs. I have a few friends that are fairly existentialist. On that note, sorry to @seabutterfly too for stringing you along. I don't mean to invalidate your feelings like that. Admittedly when it comes to a thread like this, it is difficult to tell if people are actually being serious about what they are saying.
  13. You've all made some very insightful posts. Definitely some worth pondering. I'm not married, but I still would like to present the perspective from a virgin who is unable to take a non-virgin. I simply cannot. The way I think about things and the subtleties of my being inherently make me incompatible with one. I can't change who I am, so instead I'm just accommodating for what I can work with. This will spare both myself and any potential partner from problems and complications down the road. I know other people who are the same way, and I encourage everyone to stick with their gut on these matters. If you can be with a non-virgin, then that's great, but if you can't, then there is no shame in that. At least, that's what I think. That does bring up a few questions worth discussing. Are waiters who are willing to take people who were initially non-waiters morally superior? Do people like myself have to resign ourselves to being bitter and judgmental? Are we weaker for not being able to overlook the past? It'll be interesting to hear more about this. There is inevitably going to be bias on each of our ends. If we are being judged for a mistake we made in the past, we are likely to feel the need to defend ourselves, as well as defend other people who have done the same. At the same time, hearing that somebody else made a mistake that we have never made, depending on the severity of that mistake, it's going to be much harder for us to sympathize with them. Of course, some people do have that level of empathy and can easily put themselves in another person's shoes. The rest of us have to draw the line somewhere. Even outside of waiting, there are things that some people cannot look past. We all have our own dealbreakers, after all. I think when we see that an aspect about ourselves is considered a dealbreaker for someone, we do feel a slight desire to vindicate ourselves. It is hard to learn how to deal with that, and I can't say that I have totally learned how to myself either. But I think that's okay. As an example, I know that some people would consider that my usage of porn in the past has permanently "tainted" me, and as much as I may want to contest that, I know that I can't. I have to respect that. While I did quit, do regret ever having used it, and stand firmly against that entire industry, some people are just going to see that as me having my cake and eating it too. I don't think there is anything wrong with seeing it that way though. To be completely honest, that's kinda how I see non-virgin waiters too. I do recognize that's very harsh, but I don't think that way with malicious intent or anything like that. Are we being judgmental? Sure, but we can't pretend that we're so open-minded and forgiving that we don't ever judge people for doing things that we disagree with. We can certainly strive towards being that free-spirited, but everyone has their limit. I think the important thing to take away from this thread is that only you know what you're comfortable with, and you should live your life accordingly. You can't look at this like it's a matter of right and wrong. I agree that you shouldn't hold someone's past against them. I agree that what matters most is that they love you more than anyone before. I also agree that we should only look at someone for who they are now. While all of these things are very idealistic, I don't think all of us are capable of being that way. I wouldn't say that's as bad as it sounds though. I know for me that I don't look down on or condemn the people who don't fit my standards. I just wouldn't be able to develop romantic feelings for them is all. Honestly I think I could be best friends with most people in the world and love them in that sense. But I do recognize that I am judging them. I think that's just a normal thing to do. People will judge me for other things, so I'd say it's fair. At the end of the day, only you know what's best for you, because you understand yourself better than anybody else ever could. You know how much you can take and how much you can look past. I don't want people to rush into questionable relationships or stay in miserable ones only for the sake of being morally righteous or something like that. If you can't accept something about your partner/potential partner, then that's fine. How you go about handling that is entirely up to you. Everybody will try to tell you what the "right" thing to do is, but that might not coincide with what you think is right. You have to stand by that.
  14. Maybe. I've seen this be the case for others, but it isn't something I've experienced myself. Seeing my preferences and dealbreakers in a woman does not immediately equate to love, it just allows for the possibility of love. But even then, that love could become either platonic or romantic. There are no guarantees. I wouldn't say I have these things because I'm in love with the idea of a woman who fits them. I have them because I understand myself. I know what it will take for me to be able to commit romantic emotion to someone, and the type of person that I am and the way that I think have cemented in these preferences. Maybe this is a checklist mentality, but again, a woman could check off the entire list yet still get nowhere with me because there is far more depth to love than simply meeting prerequisites. Having said that remark about love, I recognize that I am also denying myself the opportunity to find love in women who don't fit my preferences. But that is a sacrifice I'm making to accommodate for who I am and what I believe in. I don't want to string anybody along or force myself and her into an unpleasant situation, after all. Though I do think the idea thing is something that plagues more people than I'm comfortable with. All too often it feels like people are more interested in what you are, with far less interest in who you are. This goes beyond preferences/dealbreakers; this has to do with what you represent. It is something that is going to entail different things between men and women, but it conceptually applies to both. It seems like you have to constantly put on an act and hide your real feelings if you want to have any hope of being loved/respected. To uphold a certain image. It's like people only want a caricature of what they perceive to be ideal from you. The second you show any sign of weakness, their perception of you is shattered, and the ramifications it brings on your friendships/relationships can be devastating. Since I have no interest in playing this ridiculous game, that would probably explain why I have so few friends. Granted, I don't believe that everybody in the world is like this, and I can safely say that I have at least one good friend whom I feel totally fine to be myself around. It's just rare to find that kind of comfort in someone. But in the realm of romantic love, what do you do if who you are happens to be unattractive? You can make yourself as physically beautiful as you possibly can, but if you have character quirks that would make you romantically undesirable, what else can you do but put on an act? And I'm not talking about objectively bad character qualities, I mean the things about you that are perfectly fine and endearing in your friendships and family relations, but would be seen as unattractive in a romantic partner. Maybe you have aspects about you that are just part of who you are, and you can't change them. What then? Do you just deny who you are? Do you spend the rest of your life being that idea for that person just for the sake of their artificial love? I know the answer to this is to be with someone who is attracted to you for who you are, but if that kind of person doesn't exist, you would be left with quite the dilemma on your hands. There are just so many expectations that both women and men have to meet in order for them to believe that they are worthy of attraction. They are often led astray by false promises and outright lies. What people tell them is attractive might not even be consistent with what people actually physically respond to. As their friends, we tell them how happy they would make any prospective romantic partner, but only because we have to, and because it shifts the responsibility onto another person. Maybe we also misinterpret our platonic love for them as them being worthy of receiving romantic love. It all seems so difficult. For me personally, there is no way I would ever entertain the idea of hiding my true colors for the sake of anybody. I'm by no means perfect. I'm a flawed individual. There are aspects about me that I can't change even if I wanted to. I'm not going to be an ideal man 100% of the time. I just am who I am. If who I am is somehow unattractive, then I would resign myself to dying alone way before I would ever even consider changing who I am. I don't think it's right or fair that other people would feel like they need to do that too. There can't be any joy or comfort in dishonesty. Sorry if this all seems kinda depressing. I'm also sorry if I came off as whiny. I assure you that nothing bad has actually happened to me to get me to think about this stuff. I've just been seeing it happen very often to other people. It's all been getting me to think a lot about the true nature of people. I've seen too many struggle with this idea vs. reality thing. Sometimes we pretend to be someone we're not, sometimes we believe that other people are better than what they actually are. Surely all of this lying and fakeness could only ever lead to unhappiness, at least eventually. I don't think I'm better than anyone, but sometimes I do find myself thinking that this dishonesty makes people not worth giving a chance. Obviously I know this way of thinking is very wrong and incredibly unhealthy, and that I have met people who I do strongly believe are worth it. I don't really know what I'm thinking.
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    Memes are haunting.