Adam

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About Adam

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  • Birthday 08/04/1993

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    Male
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    : FL USA
  • Interests
    Just trying to figure life out.
    Also I'm always hungry.

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  1. @Faeries Awesome, happy to hear that. I believe that if you're putting yourself out there and are working really hard on yourself, then people will notice it. They'll be drawn to you. It's possible that you could meet your future spouse this way, or maybe you meet somebody who potentially knows your future spouse. Maybe you'll find them in any of the communities you get involved in, or heck, maybe you'll even find them right here. You are never going to know how it'll happen, so it's best not to discount any possible avenues for that meeting to happen. Above all else, as long as you aren't literally hiding from everybody, you should be fine. That's something that I'm still learning and trying to overcome. I think they can get in the way, but it all depends on what they are. Honestly, non-waiters have a lot more reign to be shallow because their pool is so much larger. Some of them have such extremely specific and ridiculous standards that would make any of our own seem insignificant in comparison. And as you said, they do get to mess around with whoever they want in the meantime, so their "struggles" would be substantially downplayed. As for people like us, it undoubtedly is more difficult, but it's not nearly as bad as it seems. I'm not sure how everybody else sees it, but for me, it all boils down to being emotionally compatible, having matching beliefs and similar interests. Being a virgin WTM sets the stage for the possibility of satisfying all three of those things, so I also hold that as a necessity. I also don't mean to downplay physical attractiveness, because it still is important. Personally I just have no clear cut idea of what my future wife should look like. As long as we both are really attracted to each other, then that's all that matters. I don't think all of that is much different from what any other waiter would want. I also don't think any of that is so specific that it becomes intrusive either. I agree with you though, I was able to realize these preferences through my time alone. You're also right that I wouldn't want to be with anyone who doesn't meet them. By now I've come to accept that, and it's good to stay hopeful about it. As for falling in love unexpectedly, I think it could still happen. I know it probably won't happen for me unless I just happen to fall for someone who coincidentally meets all of my preferences. I don't know, I don't bank on that happening, but I guess it's still possible. I think it would literally have to be some kind of divine intervention for that to actually happen. But for waiters who are far less cautious than I am, yeah, I can still see it happening. I'm sure it has happened before. Compared to non-waiters, I think we're being molded to be much stronger people, far less dependent on others and more secure in ourselves. We will have so much more to give to our spouse when we eventually find them, and we'll be far more appreciative of them since we never had anybody before them. As much as we all might be struggling now, it's only serving to make us all the more tougher and wiser. Being prepared for the worst case scenario is nothing more than a precaution, as I strongly doubt it's going to be the reality for most of us. So try to stay strong, and keep doing your best. I don't think any of us have that much longer to wait.
  2. Well, that sure is a bleak way of looking at it. I suppose I'm just more hopeful about it. I like to believe that most of us will find what we seek, as long as we're actually working towards attaining it. There are so many good people here that it would truly be a shame if they were to end up alone. I'm hoping for the best for all of you. I think everybody has their own ways of combating that possibility. For me, I've been working really hard on improving my body and my mind. I want to be healthy forever and I want to be genuinely happy with myself. I'm also trying to open up and actually connect with people. I'm not staying hidden anymore, and I want to prove to myself that I can be worth something to at least one person. I really believe that my efforts are leading me in the right direction. I also think that we're all here for a reason. Everything in our lives panned out the way they did and led us to where we stand now for a reason. Now you could interpret that as evidence suggesting that you are meant to be alone, but I wouldn't be so hasty to jump to that conclusion. All of the struggles we've endured and the emotions we're feeling are all just part of the path. It's shaping us into being the type of person we need to be in order for us to not only find our spouse, but also to be able to truly connect with them. Personally, I'm interpreting all of this as God looking out for us. I know that not everyone is going to buy into that idea, but it just makes sense to me. All in all, if people take care of themselves and have a good heart, I don't see how they could ever end up alone. There are just too many people in the world for that to actually happen. While being alone is always going to be a possibility, it's just that. A possibility, and it's honestly a very unlikely one at that. I know that our preferences are going to make the number of options dwindle substantially, but really, the world is so much bigger than we give it credit for. That's something I learned by coming here and getting to see so many kinds of people. I know for certain now that I'm not chasing some kind of pipe dream. None of us are. What we want is absolutely real, and it will all come down to how hard we're willing to work and how long we'll need to wait. So all these things help keep me going. It's enough for me to just accept the possibility of being alone, but it would do me no good at all to actually believe that I will be alone. That would just demotivate me, though I can't speak for how you would feel about it. Well, I don't think you'll be alone. Not sure if me saying that will do much for you, but I'm saying it anyway. I don't have any reason to believe that you deserve to be alone. Maybe you have reasons, but in that case you might just be being far too critical of yourself. But I wouldn't know as it's none of my business, so I really don't have any right to speak on that matter. Just keep hanging in there, is all I can really say. It's probably too early to force yourself to find security in being alone. Also, my previous post in this thread seems really emotional. I must have been heated about something on the day I posted it. Naturally, I still standby everything I said in it. That isn't changing. Though I want to clarify that I don't have any problems with people who don't meet my preferences. I don't mean to judge them, and I still would be willing to be friends with them. I just wouldn't be capable of forming a romantic attraction to them, and I must have felt strongly compelled to justify myself. By now, I'm totally comfortable with having my preferences, even if people may disagree with or dispute them. I'm completely fine with that. I know myself, I know what it will take and nothing can change that.
  3. I've always really liked animals in general. I get along with them well. Though I don't have any pets at the moment. Growing up, I've always wanted to have a dog, not unlike any other kid. I had a few, but being the kid that I was, I was also extremely irresponsible about them. My mom would end up doing all the work taking care of them, and since she doesn't even like dogs to begin with, we'd always end up giving them away. Pretty sad, but I can't say that I didn't have it coming. My mom does like cats, so eventually we got one. The first one somehow got out one day and we weren't ever able to find her. The second one was my sister's cat, she had him since he was a baby and he currently lives with my mother. Both of them are very mild mannered cats, but they are still very cute and playful. If a cat really trusts you, they can be very affectionate. They just show it in a more sophisticated way than dogs do, which I can see how some people might find boring. I wouldn't actually identify with being just a dog/cat person though. I really like them both. Though if I were to have a dog, I've always thought about training a German Shepherd. Everyone knows how smart they can be, but they also have this sort of elegance about them that I find interesting. Their work ethic and strong sense of family are also appealing traits. Having a cat around can be nice too. Even if they aren't as exciting or rewarding, I still find them charming. It's nice when they come to hang out with you while you're working or even just lounging around. They can get super attached to you if they really love you. I always find it surprising whenever someone says that they don't like cats, but I suppose I'm just biased about it since I've only ever had positive experiences with cats. I'm also a Leo, so maybe that helps too? So in a nutshell, with dogs I would want to raise them to be really strong and smart, whereas with cats I just appreciate them for what they are. No real preference. I'm willing to take either route, or even both if it could be done. In regards to it mattering in a relationship, it doesn't really have much importance to me. As much as I like animals and interacting with them, it wouldn't bother me all that much if I ended up with a woman who was against having any kind of pet. I could live without having one. That said, if she wanted any then I'd definitely be on board with it. Doesn't have to specifically be a cat or a dog either. I only draw the line at insects or arachnids of any kind, I just don't want to deal with that. Personally if I were to ever get a pet, I would just stick with the usual suspects, either a cat or a dog, or maybe a bird too. I also don't mind having more than one.
  4. It's all just blatant disrespect. He sounds like the type of guy who has such a needy ego that he constantly requires the affirmation of every attractive woman he encounters. I also suspect that he could be intentionally doing it as a sort of mind game tactic. Taking advantage of your low self-esteem, he's scaring you into staying "useful" to him by making you blame yourself for his own disgusting behavior. I say "useful" because I'm thinking that being with you offers him some kind of substantial benefit that he doesn't want to give up. You might want to think about what he could be afraid of losing if you left him. I'm sorry to say this, but I doubt he cares about losing you specifically. His actions suggest to me that he doesn't give a damn about you. If he had even the slightest amount of respect for you, he wouldn't be doing any of those things. It's one thing to do kind of that stuff behind your back, but doing it openly? He's completely playing you. The fact that you would say something like this, despite knowing everything that he has done, really shows the extent of just how much he has poisoned your mind. I am almost certain that he is just using you for his own gain. He doesn't want to dedicate himself to you. He's manipulating you into believing that he can't help it and that you are overreacting. He's nothing but a total scumbag. He's not a man, he's a child. Sorry if that upsets you to hear, but that's just how I see it. I'm sure if you're willing to think about it, you can find even more red flags about his character and behaviors. Look, in no healthy relationship should you ever feel uncomfortable, or not good enough, or upset with yourself or this unhappy. That's not what love is. Now if I were you, I would absolutely want to break up with him because I would never take any of that garbage. But I'm not you, and I don't actually know who your boyfriend is. If he had some kind of violent disposition, then I wouldn't want to tell you do something that could put you in danger. Well, I wouldn't know, but you would, so do you what think is best, and be careful about it if you need to be. There is no doubt that he is contributing to your low self-esteem. Don't believe for a second that he has no responsibility in all of this. He knows full well what he's doing. What you do next will ultimately be up to you, but remember that you have support here whenever you need it. I'm sure you also have friends and family who will offer support. Good luck to you.
  5. That's wonderful, I'm so happy to hear that. That makes all of this opening up really worth it. It's awesome that we're able to make such an impact just by being genuine and honest. Knowing that I could potentially inspire and motivate others is such a compelling thing. It just allows me the opportunity to give back for what you and others here have done for me. Hearing that gratitude from you especially means a lot, given our similar histories. I think because of that, I just felt it was important for me to level with you as much as I can. Regardless, I'm really glad I could do that for you. Those experiences shaped those walls into existence. I had to become more withdrawn and weary as defense mechanism; it was to protect myself from those kind of people. The thing about me is that at my core, I can be pretty naive and optimistic. Never cared to dwell on negativity, I hate lying and I try my best to be selfless. While growing up, I guess it was easy for people to take advantage of those traits and abuse my trust in them. Eventually I caught on to it, and that brings me to where I am today. My guard's always up. Being able to let myself be vulnerable is something I really want to have in a marriage. To be able to have total reign to be who I am without having to worry, and to be loved for it. I try to afford other people the same luxury. I always want to be the type of person people feel like they can genuinely trust and open up to. True. It's definitely easier at least. You can always trust yourself to do exactly what you expect of yourself. Though I'll always believe that the right people can really make it work. That's why it's so important that we hold on to our preferences and uphold our dealbreakers. We know what it will take to achieve a strong, trusting relationship. The more I think about the more I realize how much trust plays into attraction for me. I can recognize when a woman is conventionally attractive, but that by itself doesn't do anything for me. In order for me to truly feel a significant level of attraction, I would need to really trust her. Yeah, you're right about loyalty. I think I've outlined myself as the type of person who especially needs to be extra careful. Though the people I am loyal to, I don't actually let myself be vulnerable to them either. That loyalty is really just me following my own code, I suppose. I don't judge them, I keep their secrets, I honor their wishes and I would never lie to or abandon them. But even they, I only let in so much. It is a vicious cycle. Coming here was definitely a good way to break out of it. The whole issue with trust is something I sort of just accepted, but now you've got me thinking about it more. I didn't understand just how much I truly valued it until I started typing out all the content in this post. It's definitely something I'm gonna keep in mind. Again, I'm happy we could help each other. I think it's a lot easier to stay focused when we know someone else who thinks and feels the same way or at least close to it. It's just pleasant to be able to have that positive reinforcement. So if you ever want to talk about anything, I'm always up for it. In all honesty, you would be the first person I would want to consult here if I ever had something substantial on my mind. Anyhow, I think I sorta derailed the thread, so I'll just cut it here. Thanks again!
  6. You can't let those things stop you from pursuing your dreams. Yes, those things happen more often than we would like, but that just makes it that much more important to be with someone who shares your beliefs. When it comes to marriage, I don't think it's all that healthy to approach it with a "numbers" mindset. Thinking about it based on averages and statistics is never going to help. When it all comes down to it, you are going to be marrying one person. That individual is what's going to matter. The individual is what you have to look at. Like take a look at yourself for instance. The fact that you are waiting until marriage, or like you have mentioned, that you genuinely want to get married at all already makes you stand out over the vast majority of men in the today's society. If you want to look at it logically, that would make you a statistical anomaly. As an individual, you hold a great value. Women have their own strong concerns and reluctance over marriage as well, but when it comes to men like yourself, they wouldn't have to worry about those things because you are an honest man with no ulterior motives. So since you know for a fact that you are different than most men, is it really so farfetched the believe that you will also find a woman who is different from the rest? That mindset you have is something I used to struggle with, but understanding these things has helped me overcome it. Basically, just remember these: 1. Men like you and I, who hold the beliefs that we do, make up for an extremely small percentage of men in the modern world. So small, that women might believe that we don't even exist. I know that I exist, and you know that you exist. Flip the picture and understand that the type of honest woman that you desire does exist, in spite of how small of a percentage of women as a whole they might make up. I mean, you interact with a lot of them all the time just by being a member of this community specifically. That totally helps me stay motivated at least. 2. Don't invest too much emotion into what happens to other people. So they end up in sexless marriages, or they get mangled by divorce, or they get cheated on, whatever. Why concern yourself with it? It didn't happen to you. And you can't just assume that the victims in those scenarios are entirely perfect undeserving people either. And also know that men aren't the only possible victims in those scenarios either. Think about it, there are women who are in sexless marriages because their husbands are denying them. That is a real thing that happens, and it happens way more often than you think. I can also vouch for the fact that women don't always "win" when it comes to divorce. Before my parents divorced, both of them were living in a big 4 bedroom house with a lot of space and a beautiful backyard. Now after my mother divorced him, she is living in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment in a not so stellar neighborhood completely by herself, meanwhile my dad is living in a nice 2 bedroom house just 2 minutes away from the beach and is living the good life. Not so great for my mom, huh? 3. If someone truly loves you, then they will put you before themselves. They will want to make you as happy as possible because you being happy in turn makes them happy. And the same applies with you in regards to them. So if sex is important to you, make sure you communicate that with your partner before getting married. Make sure both of you are on the same page. Also for sex specifically, just remember to keep taking care of yourself and to stay healthy. Letting yourself go just because you are married is an incredibly disrespectful thing to do to your spouse. That's one of the most common reasons for a sexless marriage, so don't let yourself fall into that pitfall. I also believe there is a correlation between single people who engage in a lot of casual sex and those who end up in sexless marriages. This applies to both men and women; by letting yourself have sex with multiple different people, you are inadvertently training in a need for variety. No, that need is not something that is always there, it has to be learned first. You condition your mind and body to show interest for a very brief amount of time, and then the need for something "new and exciting" takes over and you lose that interest. I think God does test our conviction from time to time, but to say he punishes you for following him is farfetched if you asked me. You mentioned seeing all of those horrible things happen to other people, but they never happened to you. Interpreting that as punishing you is a bit of a stretch, isn't it? People have changed their approach to relationships as time has passed, and you know very well how unfavorable it has been. But I just see it as typical people suffering from typical problems. A lot of them can be very selfish, and that is what is destroying their relationships. It rarely is ever as simple as "completely innocent man destroyed by vile evil woman", or vice versa. It's not going to be so black and white. So all I can tell you is just don't read so much into it. Be true to yourself, be mindful of who you interact with and who you let into your life. There's no need to point fingers or take on the problems of other people. Out of the 7 billion people on this planet, you are one individual man looking for one individual woman. What happens to most people is irrelevant. What will be relevant is always the individual. It will always be about what that one person does, what that one person thinks, how that one person feels. I think it's a lot simpler to take on how compatible you are with just one person versus how compatible you are with an entire demographic of people. A lot less stressful too.
  7. Edited my most recent post in my introduction thread.

  8. A lot of words

    Thanks guys! I made this thread just a few weeks ago, and I've changed a little since then. It's funny, I kinda regret how I explained myself in my first post. What I'm saying there isn't all that consistent with what I've been saying recently and how I'm feeling now. Well, just the way I tip-toed around my feelings on sex and waiting specifically is what I find inconsistent. If I had to guess, I would say at that point I just lacked the courage to really embrace waiting. The way I used words like "willingness" really does bother me, and that kind of indecisiveness reaffirms my theory. In all honesty, I really do believe that I was always meant to wait, and I just didn't know it yet. That could explain how since I was a teenager I've always had this aversion to pursuing intimate relationships and distaste for the way people obsess over sex. Maybe I just wasn't smart enough to figure out what I actually wanted, or that I couldn't consider it a possibility because literally nobody around me ever considered waiting themselves. Whatever the reason, that feeling was always with me. Even though I haven't been perfectly clean about it, I still never chased any physical or emotional relationship with anybody, and my time alone while growing up helped me form my own sense of right and wrong. I eventually overcame my previous pitfalls, and it left me wondering about how to interpret just what this feeling in my heart is. And well, after looking deeply into it and interacting with you guys, I had finally figured out that I want to wait until marriage. So that desire is what has been narrating the theme of my more recent posts. Indecisiveness was the theme of more than a few of my earlier posts. One in particular that is on my mind is one where I said I wasn't very religious. I've been thinking more about it, and I think that there could be more to why I feel that way than I'm giving credit for. It might have come about from the combination of indifference and questioning I have regarding my own faith. Though I know I'm always going to believe in God, so I'm giving thought to the possibility that my faith, which I was born into, might not have been my intended path. It's an interesting thought. I also said in that post I wouldn't be willing to convert, but I said that out of both my initial apathy, and assuming I would treat any other faith the same way. I'm reconsidering that too. I've been intentionally vague about my faith, so all I can really say is that I'm not a Christian. Though I've been thinking about that specifically a lot. It's kind of ironic for me, as my father was a Christian until he married my mother and converted to my current faith. That's all I've got for now. For someone who chalks himself up to be unresponsive to change, I've sure done a bit of it. In such a short time too. I have no idea what's going to happen in the future, and I think that's kind of exciting in a way. Anyhow, thank you guys again. EDIT: Looking back on it, I think I may have worded the whole religious comment poorly. I was pressed for time while I was originally making this post, so I didn't have as much time to really think about it. It's probably not a good idea when talking about faith to say literal things like "I am not this" or "I am this" or to use words like "current" and "convert". I feel that could easily be seen as diminishing. You could say this stems from my original lax attitude about faith. Coincidentally, later that day I posted this, I ended up having a talk with my dad about his own history leading up to his marriage, and he said some things that I had never really considered or put into perspective before. That is what leads me to making this edit. So, yeah. Lots of thoughts going on in my head. Thinking about all of this stuff now is admittedly intimidating, as it's definitely unfamiliar stuff for someone like me. Been having strange dreams lately too. I really don't know how to process any of this, so I think I'll just have to relax for now.
  9. Betrayal was just an unfortunate reoccurring "trend" I noticed while growing up. Sometimes I was the victim of it, and other times I would see it happen to other people. It's particularly devastating when it comes from your own family. It definitely impacted my willingness to trust people. That and moving around a lot prevented me from being able to forge lengthy friendships with actual trustworthy people, so I came out of all this pretty jaded. I just naturally have these walls up now and well, you know how unpleasant it can feel. I haven't talked about jealousy much, but it is something I feel. I think it's a natural thing, though. You might get the impression that it isn't when you talk to average people about it. Usually they just call you insecure and tell you to get over it. Not much sympathy there. Well, I'll always think it's an attractive quality. To me it just shows how deeply you care and how much this person means to you. I know that too much of it can be very dangerous, but you can have a healthy amount of it. If I somehow against all my wishes ended up with someone who had a past, I would probably be resentful about it, but I think I would suffer silently. It would be something that holds me back from giving my best effort into the relationship, and if confronted about it I wouldn't be able to have a rational discussion about it since that person isn't someone who saved themselves for marriage, and as a result wouldn't be able to fully understand why I feel the way I do. It's also a little unsettling to think that they wouldn't have cared if I had slept with anyone before them, taking my decision to wait entirely for granted. But yeah, I'd rather be alone than deal with that. Don't want to have to put anybody through that either. I really think that nobody can truly appreciate a virgin WTM as much as another virgin WTM can. They understand better than anyone what having that title means and all of the challenges that come with it. I just see it as the best possible foundation to set a relationship on. Of course, all of the other necessary pieces of a relationship have to fall into place, and such a foundation isn't going to guarantee that happens. But I'm going to be the most optimistic about that specific scenario. Aside from that, it's just such a pleasant thing to think about. To know that you share so many special first experiences together. To believe that they were preserving themselves for you, and you for them. Yeah, I agree. If someone has it in them to cheat, then that's that. Whether or not they regret it is irrelevant. Every single time I've seen somebody become a victim of infidelity, unless they immediately cut that person out from their life, it always got worse. Sometimes it gets so bad that the police have to get involved. I know it's not so easy to just cut someone out like that, and usually there are going to be more significant factors to it, but still. At least I know I wouldn't have a problem doing it. Having your cake and eating it too. I definitely see forgiven cheaters and "ex-playboys" that way. That thought does extend to born-agains as well. I don't mean to judge them so harshly. Like I do believe that they truly regret what they have done and that they want to repent. That's all good. I personally just wouldn't accept that either. Again, no offense to them. And thanks, I'm glad you don't think it's silly. I think I made it sound like it's a challenge to control myself, but it actually is really easy. I guess that need to prove myself was just a defensive reaction to seeing so many people in my life cheat. I don't know. Like my dad and brother are total womanizers, and I suppose I could be the same way if I wanted, but I really have no interest in that. I'd never want to hurt anybody, or put myself before people I care about. To the very few people I do end up letting into my life, I have an extreme amount of loyalty for. Naturally, that loyalty extends to my future wife as well. I find it shocking too. When I joined here I never really expected to meet anyone who I would relate with so closely. I wanted to at least be among other waiters, to know that other people are fighting the same battle. But I'm being consistently surprised at how often I'm able to truly sympathize with what people here are saying and how they are feeling. Usually unlike what I'm typically seeing in real life. Interacting with you specifically really has been amazingly refreshing and comforting. That's definitely the best way to put it. I've just been dealing with my own thoughts and emotions completely by myself for so many years that to meet someone who really gets it and is experienced in such a similar way is nothing short of amazing. I've become a lot happier since joining this place, and while several people have undeniably had their hand in making that happen, you have definitely had the biggest impact on it. I think I just feel a lot less alone after having met you. OK, I know I'm saying really mushy stuff but it really isn't often at all that I would get so sentimental. All I'm saying is that you've done a lot for me, more than you think and that I'm endlessly grateful. So thank you!
  10. @PG1 Thank you. I totally agree. I would never say that I regret feeling the way I do, but sometimes I do question it. But I figure it's that way for a reason. I do feel pretty certain about what it will take for me to be able to give and receive love. I also believe that nobody should have to change who or what they are for anybody. People who fall in love with you should do so because you are you. It makes being happy with yourself very important; it's something that I'm working hard on and also why I'm not exactly looking for a relationship at the moment. I just wouldn't want to put that on anybody else. But yes, I do know myself, I know what I want and I am content to stand by my beliefs. Every day is spent pushing myself closer to eventually realizing that inner happiness. Once I reach that point, I know I'll be ready.
  11. All of you have said some really profound things. I admire your ability to overlook their histories. Though if I'm being honest, I can't say that I would really want to have that ability. I never said that I was perfect. I don't have the most morally clean slate either. I have my own dispositions too; I tend to keep people at a distance, I'm ambivalent about putting my trust in others, I'm capable of jealousy, I never forget, so on and so forth. These characteristics, some life experiences and my own thoughts have led me to place this level of emphasis on virginity. Compounding this is how I see keeping my own virginity as a positive that would ideally be recognized and reciprocated. Whether or not that has any actual merit is subjective, I suppose. Just understand that I would never ask for a virgin if I wasn't a virgin myself. I see those who are waiting until marriage as having a very attractive mindset. That by itself already establishes a lot of common ground, and it wouldn't be unlikely for us to find that we share even more in common, while also identifying with each other across a variety of things. Wishful thinking, I know, but it's easier to be optimistic about that situation as opposed to trying to see if it could work with non-virgin, when you already know right off the bat that you have conflicting ideas about sex, that you are uncomfortable with their past, and that you feel like your conviction may have been for naught. That last one is going to raise questions like, can a non-virgin truly value, recognize and appreciate your virginity when they haven't held their own to the same standard? Can they do so as much as a voluntarily waiting virgin can? Will a non-virgin not judge you for being a virgin? You can probably come up with more. None of this is to suggest that a non-virgin is incapable of loving and understanding you on truly intimate level, it's just that I personally would always be skeptical about it. There is a lot of uncertainty that comes with that type of relationship that some of you are better fit to deal with than I am. More power to you, but for me, it will be for the best if I just stick with it how I see fit. It would honestly be for the non-virgin's best interest not to take on somebody like me. I don't see myself as being able express love as fiercely as I would in a relationship where we are each other's first and only. I pretty much see it the way @BlackRose sees it. The imbalance between virgin and non-virgin would bother me too much. It just won't be healthy for either of us. Adultery is also a concerning issue. Having seen many people in my life having to deal with it, I can easily say that it is absolutely grounds for divorce. The fact that I've seen one person get caught, beg for forgiveness, only to eventually do it again really makes me think that past tends to have more impact on future decisions than people would like to believe. Having seen it so often is one of the things that influenced my desire to wait. I feel like I need to prove that I'm in control of myself and that I'm faithful to her even though we literally do not even know each other. I guess that's kind of silly, but hey, it's motivating. Just for clarification, I don't think that virginity inherently makes people better or worse. I never mean to judge non-virgins or to discredit them and their relationships. I also don't think that just being a virgin automatically makes you the perfect partner, of course there is far more to it than that. All I'm saying is that I have my own preferences and dealbreakers that account for the type of person that I am and for what type of person I would most likely have a connection with. I don't think that's anything to feel guilty about. Shoot, there are even people who list being a virgin as a dealbreaker. If they can do that, then I don't see anything wrong with listing not being a virgin as a dealbreaker. Sex is just such a powerful thing. For as much happiness as it can bring, it can cause an equal amount of unhappiness. I think that waiters have the best approach to it, so that's where I want to be.
  12. Marrying a 16 Year Old Girl?

    It's definitely unacceptable. At least it's unacceptable in the modern world. I know that type of thing used to be commonplace, and it actually still is in other countries/cultures. Still, it'll never sit right with me. I know I've talked a lot about wanting to marry another virgin, but I'm not so desperate about it that I would be willing to do something as absurd as that, nor do I think that anybody else here would be either. I'm not even 25 yet, but that doesn't make it any less gross. Personally I'm not too big on age gaps in general. I don't think there is anything wrong with some age difference, provided it's between two consenting adults. I'd just prefer to be with someone my age or close to it. The first two things you listed might make it legally acceptable, but I doubt many people will see it as socially acceptable. Point three doesn't seem possible to me, I don't see how a grown man could respect this girl if he is so quick to snatch her up, taking away the freedom of her youth and forcing her to deal with the social scrutinies that come with that kind of relationship. It's obviously only for his own benefit, not hers. A 16 year old isn't even remotely close to being physically and emotionally mature, they would still have a ton of development to go through and having to stack the responsibilities of marriage on top all of that sounds like a total disaster waiting to happen. The 16 year old's consent would be irrelevant, you can't just assume that a minor would be able to rationally comprehend and intelligently deduce that such a marriage would be a good idea. As for point four, I have no desire to address that because I would never sympathize with a guy who is willing to marry a minor. Of course, all of this gets a bit more complicated if the girl in question started at 18 instead. At that point, she is legally an adult and can do whatever she wants. Personally I still think a typical 18 year old isn't mature enough, but in the eyes of the law, they are. While a 16 year old marrying a 50 year old is undeniably wrong, an 18 year old marrying a 50 year old is really just weird, since it's technically allowed. Though both of those scenarios endlessly disturb me. A 25 year old marrying an 16 year old is still wrong, but compared to a 50 year old doing it, I guess it's less offensive? Like a 27 year old marrying an 18 year old doesn't sound that weird. That sounds like I'm invalidating the severity of the situation though. Eh, I don't know. All I know is that I wouldn't do it, and I wouldn't condone other people doing it.
  13. Since @Invincible mentioned it, I wanted to talk about the entitlement thing. Looking back on some of my posts, it might be easy to construe that I feel entitled. I never thought to clarify that I don't actually feel like I am owed the type of relationship I want. I know I have to become worthy of it, but when I do or even if I already am, does that then imply that I "deserve" that relationship? It's hard to say. On one hand I don't think that anybody is entitled to anything at the end of the day. I was never a fan of this type of attitude, so it's especially disturbing to think I may have displayed that line of thought before. But on the other hand, I feel that everybody who is honest and works hard should be rewarded. I would say that type of person does "deserve" to have their dreams realized. Of course, it doesn't always work out like that and that is unfortunate. Anyway, those two beliefs tend to contradict each other. I honestly don't know how to feel about it. I think I just assumed I was in the latter camp and carried out my posts under that belief. I'll just clarify now that I don't think I'm even remotely close to perfect, I've still got a long way to go. I'm not expecting anything right now. The reason I'm committed to this dual virgin dynamic is not ultimately due to faith, although that is something that has an influence on it. I want it based on some of my own ideas I have regarding love and marriage. Faith and some other things have led me to forming those ideas. I also think that because of the way my life panned out, it's the path that I personally should be on. That does make me think that I would eventually find my way to a woman who is on the same wavelength, but I definitely understand that it doesn't always work out so favorably. I can't control how anybody else lives, not that I would want to anyway. I don't believe I'm entitled to it, despite how much I want it. Now I know myself well enough to know that I'm never willing to compromise. Either I find this specific person or I'll be alone. As unfortunate as the latter situation would be, I know I'm stubborn enough to accept it. I get that I'm inviting that possible reality onto myself by forcing my own parameters, but I have them for my reasons and I'm not letting them go. Obviously I can't predict the future, so I have no idea what will actually happen. I'm hoping for the best, not only for me but for all of us.
  14. Saving your first kiss too?

    @BlackRose I know what you mean. I guess in my case I can get too passionate and just say what's on my mind. I just like to be as upfront with people as I can be. I've dealt enough with people masking their true intentions. I'm also especially grateful that you shared those details. I thought it was hard for me to admit, but I forgot that coming from a guy it probably isn't very surprising. I can't imagine how admitting it must have felt for you. I really admire your honesty and bravery. I'm glad we could relate too. @Geraldine Wow, that might honestly be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Thank you... All of you have been so supportive and understanding. I'm really happy to have that. I haven't even been here for very long and I've already learned so much. The compassion people show here is refreshing... @BlackRose @redgrapes @Geraldine You've all boosted my motivation through the roof. I've been a bit down lately, but no more. I'll continue improving myself as much as I can. All of you are lovely people. I can't express my gratitude enough.
  15. Saving your first kiss too?

    @redgrapes Your praise means a lot to me. I try to be civil and cover as much as I can, but sometimes I can be blinded by my own stubbornness. Discussions like these help keep that in check. Last thing I want is to come off as inconsiderate or dismissive. Anyway, the whole family thing is rough to deal with. When you are younger you kinda just have to accept what they're telling you, but when you get older and start to really question what they've been telling you, it definitely leads to some friction. It's all just part of growing up, I suppose. So I didn't expect that opening up the way I did would go over so smoothly. Really, I've never opened up to that extent to anybody before, so you can imagine how surreal all this feels for me. I'm also really glad you have some confidence in me. Between that and the praise, I've gotta say that I'm feeling pretty happy. I don't talk to people very much, so it's rare for me to get that kind of recognition. As I said, it means a lot. I'm sure you might have helped more people than you think, maybe they just haven't been as vocal about as me. Good people like you tend to make differences in people's lives in incredible ways. @BlackRose That would be really accurate to my case. My dad's job had us moving a lot, so I was also going in and out of different schools. I approached friendships with a similar idea; it would be pointless to get close to anyone since they would eventually become irrelevant. I've spent the most time with just my family, but even that is overselling it. I'm so different from them that our relationship isn't much at all to stand on either. So that yearning for physical and emotional exclusivity is undoubtedly present. You and I may know how to cope with being alone, but I can see how that is what amplifies our desire for those components specifically. The whole picture you painted makes a lot of sense to me. It also makes it easier to understand where other people are coming from. Really insightful stuff! I also really appreciate you sharing your more personal experiences. Seeing as how tremendously difficult it was for me, it would be remiss of me to let someone else opening up like that go unrecognized. It's pleasant that we can, in spite of us technically being total strangers to each other.