BlackRose

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About BlackRose

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  1. I'm pretty much like that too. I don't believe in love at first site or any of that sort of stuff, lust at first sight is what I believe happens. How can you possibly fall in love with someone you know nothing about? I believe that allowing yourself to fall in love with someone is a choice and it's probably because we have so much more to lose in comparison to non-waiters. We aren't after the physical aspect in a relationship so emotionally, we have to be much more guarded and that probably prevents us from "falling in love" in comparison to non-waiters (I could be very wrong about this though). Oddly enough I've had this conversation with my friends about "my list" and it's pretty long but less and less of them are deal-breakers as I get older with my main deal-breakers being that they are: Christian, virgin, older than me, have a good education. However, if I was to meet a non-virgin, they would need to tick every item on my long list before I could even consider dating them. But honestly, I'm at a point where I would be very willing to wait forever but after a certain age I don't think I'd want to get married if I haven't met someone by then
  2. Expectations in marriage

    @Geraldine Yes, praise the Lord! Not a problem and thanks for sharing the article It's definitely not the most natural thing as you've said. It's taken me a while to get to this point. Before when I used to hear things like "enjoy your singleness" and "focus on God" I'd always think "easy for you to say, you're all in relationships/have dated/are married etc" and almost get angry at them. But now I can definitely see the advantages to being single, you're able to focus on things important to you, like your relationship with God, without bringing someone else into it which adds extra complications (both good and bad). But once you get to that point of fulfillment and satisfaction (in Jesus) other things don't tend to matter as much
  3. Expectations in marriage

    I think that this is something that a lot of single people who chase after being in a relationship forget. Being in a relationship, marriage and having a spouse won't in itself make you happy. They will add extra things to your life (both good and bad) but you can be fully content without being married or have a husband/wife. The more I look to Jesus, the more I realise this. It's only in him where I can find true happiness since people, including your spouse will let you down and be a source of unhappiness. But if you do get into a good marriage then that's a massive blessing in itself. The exact same thing could be said regarding men and their sexual needs. Society is also filled with men who believe that the success of their marriage is determined by how often they have sex and how good the sex is and that if the husband isn't happy then it's the wife's fault for not fulfilling their sexual needs. Some men may take it further and use this basis as a reason to cheat on their wives just like women who try and get their emotional needs met elsewhere; both are problematic and come from unrealistic expectations in marriage. It's also used as a method to guilt-trip a lot of women into having sex with their husbands when they would otherwise wouldn't in order to ensure that he doesn't step outside but the same could probably be for men feeling obliged to meet all of their wife's emotional needs so they too don't step outside emotionally when it's impossible. There are two side to every story and I like others have stated would love to see one for men although I assume it would mainly be about sex, respect and masculinity (or something along those lines). Oddly enough I'm actually not - probably because I relate to this myself in terms of how I deal with people. I'm rather stubborn so I know that one bone of contention will be the fact that I will expect to get my way on certain matters. However I also understand the reality of the situation is that I won't always get my way and this will lead to me feeling "unloved" at that moment since I tend to take things very very personally - something I've tried to change but it just ends up being more destructive in the long-run due to the built up resentment. It's this mentality that shows me that I'm not ready for a relationship and certainly not marriage yet since honestly, there seem to be more costs than benefits. So I'm just looking to strengthen my relationship with Jesus atm, since I'll only find true happiness in him
  4. Is Virginity Really Attractive?

    @NotTheOne So sorry you had to experience that Personally I believe that an important aspect of virginity is to do with consent so even though you may technically not be a virgin according to the dictionary definition, I would also say that you are technically a virgin because it was a non-consensual experience, not sex (lets not give that evil person any hold ) Any man with common sense wouldn't hold what happened against you and if they do, they are absolutely not worth your time of day. As for me personally though, since being not being a virgin for me is a dealbreaker quality (i.e. I wouldn't date someone if they weren't a virgin), it's something that I desire in my future husband and that would help me be more attracted to them. So desire and attraction for me link in this way since I would find it impossible to be attracted to someone who isn't a virgin mainly because I'd feel like I'd be getting "leftovers" and that kills any chance of me being attracted to them (or wanting to date them in the first place). I'm more than happy to be their friend though, just not their spouse. The lack of exclusivity in our relationship that would be present is enough to kill it for me. However, virginity in itself isn't the attractive quality but the things I associate it with such as integrity, self-control, faithfulness to their future spouse, morality (since so many Christians lose their virginity now, I see it less of a religious thing and more or a moral code to have kept your virginity) etc especially if they have had opportunities to lose it and haven't. However I myself haven't ever been in a situation where I have had an opportunity to lose my virginity (since I have never been asked out or dated) but I also have no desire to lose it until I am married. This seems to be valued less in this thread by a lot of people but honestly I would almost prefer it since it would speak to me that they have kept themselves out of foolish situations where temptation could have arisen and that is something I also find desirable and attractive
  5. @Geraldine You have no idea how motivating it is to hear that other people do this I also definitely related to some of Jonathan's points in the article. One issue that I have had is that people tend to focus on the positives on going to Church and hid the negatives which are now getting more and more common. It is important to have a community (however big or small) of Christians around you who you can learn from and grow spiritually. What God thinks about us is super important and something I've had to come more to terms with as I'm getting older. I think another thing for me has been developing a personal relationship with God. When you're born in a Christian household, you almost take it for granted (well I did) and you forget the importance of searching and knowing more about him for yourself. It was only in my late teens when I started to develop a relationship with him personally. I'm not perfect but at least it's something but it is important since we all have to give account at the end of the day. Agreed, our aim in doing Church at home was solely to honor him and follow the principles of the bible. But also because my parents felt like the Church was also demanding too much from them (as some do) and they didn't want to be those statistics of Christian parents with children "going off the walls" because the parents spent 90% of their time at church and weren't there to influence their kids. We're all called to serve but sometimes I also feel like some Churches can take this out of balance and that also doesn't put Churches in a great light. There are definitely some great ones out there but they are few and far between.
  6. I pretty much agree with everything you've said I am happy we could help each other. I helps so much when you know that there are others who relate to what you're going through, No worries, I'm always happy to talk to anyone here - I'm sure I'll take you up on that offer. Please feel free to give me a buzz if there is anything on your mind at all. And it's not a problem at all. I'm sure everyone, myself include is grateful for your contribution
  7. Interesting question actually! I best start off with this since: oddly enough I don't go to "Church" as in the normal sense (a building with like-minded people) for several different reasons and it's been this way for over 10 years. Mainly because there wasn't a good one near us. The things that they were teaching we too basic (and there's no point in going if you're not growing spiritually) or the pastor overseeing the church was exhibiting inappropriate behaviour (one divorced his wife and then (very quickly which made it look very suspicious) remarried so that he could get an American passport so he could start preaching). As a result of not being able to find a Church, we just do Church as a family in our house on Sundays, watch a sermon, do praise and worship, pray etc. When I have told people, this, it comes across as very odd since it's very unconventional. The others pretend it's okay but still think it's odd.We would try and get back into it again but it's not been very positive. Yet I do have a personal relationship with God and that ultimately is the most important thing about being a Christian. I think it's not a complete red flag for me at least. What would be more of a red flag is if they did nothing to maintain a personal relationship with God. However one thing that I am having to think about is what Church would we go to? Since I have a family church, unless he wants to come to that, I'd probably have to head to his one but my negative experiences with Churches as of late have made me rather weary. Also I tend to react badly when people bring me to events and introduce me because I see it more as a burden for the person showing me around - especially when I don't know anyone. This is something I need to consider more though but I'm not dating yet so I have plenty of time for thoughts, consideration and prayer on this matter
  8. You're not wrong to feel the way that you do. But honestly you're better off leaving him. This relationship will do more damage to your self esteem when it should be the place that elevates it. Sorry but anyone who does the above, it's inappropriate and honestly if it were me, i would break up with him immediately. You deserve so much better and he's treating you like crap at this point. Walk away and God will see you through it. You'll be thankful in the long run even though it seems hard now. My only question is, would he have not shown signs of this type of behaviour before you started dating him? If someone talks about their exs too much, that's an immediate red flag for me because it shows that they aren't over them.
  9. Thanks so much for the studies! Didn't realise there has been so much research done but then again it makes sense I agree with the bonding aspect though - that's what makes it so damaging if sex isn't handled with care at all. That's so true and one of the reason why I couldn't be with a non-virgin since I would kind of feel like it is wasted on them. Especially if they don't regret their actions - that's like adding salt to the wound Sorry to hear that I haven't been betrayed persay but that's due to the walls I built up due to being let down by people and seeing others let those around me down. It does impact trust. I think another issue is due to the fact that falling in love and especially marriage involves becoming vulnerable because you trust them enough to do so. Sex (when it means something) is similar. Marrying someone with a past would definitely make me feel like I have to hold back at least emotionally, if not physically as well which isn't fair to them. I would feel like I've given 100% in that area so to balance the books it has to be made up in another area. I can't accept it and I'm probably not going to try to at this point. The problem with trust is that it's a bit of a catch 22 situation. People will let you down and sometimes we let others down and this is something we'd have to accept in marriage. That alone makes being single much more appealing Haha same here tbh. I've never experienced sexual attraction or anything like that so I have no desire to actually go and lose my virginity. Therefore it makes sense to only have sex with my husband when we are married because that's the only scenario where I will experience sexual attraction... like ever. Also I'd probably be hurting myself more in the process rather than anything else. For me personally loyalty links in with trust a whole lot. If you are fiercely loyal to people then you have to be even more careful with who you trust and open up too since if it goes wrong, it can be even more damaging. It's great that there is a forum like this. It shows so many different reason why people are WTM and I felt has been rather educational and it's always easier when you know people are going through something similar Dealing with your own thoughts and emotions adds to a lot of the emotions like lack of trust and jealousy etc which doesn't help but it's a vicious cycle as with a lot of things in life. And no worries, a little bit of mushiness is always fine by me I'll be honest, I wasn't thinking of saying a lot of the things that I have said on this forum but seeing your posts gave me the courage to do do so which is something I really didn't expect at all, but it's always easier to open up when you've faced the same issue and I definitely feel like that's made me feel better about myself to; so just so you know, you've also done a lot for me too. Thanks Adam
  10. @PG1, @Invincible , @Adam Thank you so much for your contributions so far. I'll reply each post in turn so just to warn that this will be a very long post @PG1 First of all thank you so much for sharing that. I'm sorry that that's happened to you - no-one deserves that, ever. But I'm glad to hear that your mother has been so supportive of you and your decisions which not everyone has so that must have helped a lot Secondly to expand on the whole virgin* thing - it's more of the in between stage of not being a virgin and being a virgin. There are activities that I consider intimate to the point where I wouldn't see that person as a complete virgin but they haven't lost their virginity so I can't say that they aren't a virgin either. It's a term that enables me to categorise people. So if a person has just kissed, I would still consider them a virgin tbh. Cuddling however, I actually have no idea what that constitutes (my inexperience is really showing here ) but if that's just a longer version of a hug (and as long as there are clothes on) I'd have no issues with that and consider them a virgin still too. It's more for activities like making out to the point where you're fondling each other, taking clothes off etc. Those people can still claim that they are virgins if they haven't done anymore than that - this is when I would use virgin*. I hope that makes more sense - it's not to offend anyone at all . But as you've said, we're all entitled to our definitions and opinions which is totally okay. I agree with the fact that the way a person approaches and discusses their past is just as important as what they have done. I also agree with the fact that guys with a past tend to be more accepting. However, I think the reverse is also the same in my case as well - since I don't have a sexual past, I'm less accepting and that makes dating a non-virgin impossible. I'm more accepting in other areas, especially ones where I have had issues. I'm currently friends with a guy who I met online (on a dating site) and he does have a sexual past and one thing that I have noticed is that he is very accepting. However his sexual past is not the only reason why I wouldn't date him - the more important reason is due to the fact that his break-up from his ex affected him really negatively and that is baggage that I'm not willing to handle. Furthermore distance is also an issue since he lives in the US and I in the UK so that doesn't help at all. I think also people tend to take more negative experiences from previous relationships rather than positive one - that's mainly been the case for the situations I've seen around me so I am weary of thinking that someone could take only positive experiences onboard. However if it is possible then that completely makes sense. I think the reason why people (myself included) find issue with that is because they essentially have their cake and eat it. They've fooled around and although they respect your decision enough to wait for you, their attitude seems wrong since if they were in another relationship where the other person wanted to make it sexual, they would also be willing to have sex with them. I think also that because it tends to be the narrative in movies I also personally have a real issue with that decision - the loose playboy guy wins over the "good virgin Christian" girl and is willing to wait until marriage to have sex with her. It rubs me up the wrong way and suggests even more that he doesn't think long-term, just for the here and now. Also I feel that more often than not, playboy type guys tend to look for "virgin" wives which also bothers me.But once again, if someone is willing to accept that, that's totally their decision and I have no reason to undermine it at all And I don't feel that your comments have been superfluous at all, in fact they're very insightful and provide a unique perspective. The fact that someone had actually gotten over it previously never really crossed my mind so thanks for adding that. However that is actually where I start off from - agonizing about what they have done in the past. I'm also more cynical to romantic love than most so that really doesn't help the situation at all. But the way I see it is that I could never consider dating someone who I am not friends with first. So when I become friends with that person and if things start to head further, I would then ask them what their stance is on sex before marriage and is it something that they have struggled with. If it is, I shut down completely to the potential of any possible relationship happening between us and let them know that is the case. More because, I don't want to want to waste their time. I think for me personally, it's more damaging to find out that they aren't a virgin later on and then have to deal with the hurt and pain that comes with it because by that point, I would have feelings for them. However this is all speculative since I haven't ever been in a relationship but I have shut down potential ones based on the fact that they aren't a virgin. The older you get and haven't been in a relationship, the more risky it is going into one. A vicious cycle where I'd probably end up fearing going into a relationship due to the hurt that follows if it doesn't work but if you're not willing to be hurt then you can't get into a relationship. So at this point I'm only being true to myself by having non-virginity as a deal breaker. It definitely makes sense for deal breakers to change as you age and I expect some of mine to change as well. All of your deal breakers seem very fair tbh. Respecting others is a big one tbh. If they can't respect others, I wouldn't be able to respect him and that's a big thing in order to have a successful marriage. @Invincible I totally agree with the fact that a non-virgin can't make virginity a deal breaker without being a hypocrite. There are certain things that I am willing to accept in comparison to most women like a person who has watched/struggled with porn/hentai because I have struggled with that (hentai in particular because I watch a lot of anime) myself for on an off for a couple of years until I decided to quit. It makes no sense and if very hypocritical to make that a deal breaker if you have struggled with that very same issue yourself. It is a catch 22 sadly but I guess as long as you're willing to risk the chance that you may not find anyone - it makes it okay to have such a requirement. I even remember on of my friends who said that she's willing to date a non-virgin but she wanted to save her first kiss for marriage. At the time I thought saving your first kiss wouldn't be wise but now I definitely see the appeal in doing so and it does make it more special I know a couple of people who were pressured into having sex with their boyfriends and the situations thereafter have been awful. It's really sad that some men are pressuring women. We need to reteach men not to do this but also let women know that if they truly respected you, you wouldn't have to have sex with them to stay. I would absolutely love to see this study though! It is true that men and women see sex differently, It's more of a physical thing for men but much more emotional for women. The numbers are certainly interesting though. I think that's where my issue lies for me as a woman. I know that the moment I have sex with my husband I'll be bonded to them in a way physically, emotionally and spiritually since sex is all of those things and that's something that would enable me to be committed to him. So unless that woman initially doesn't value sex or her first time which is unlikely, it will affect her in some way shape or form. In the same way, the fact that it would only have a negative affect on a marriage if a guy sleeps with 19+ people is really sad; it just shows that to guys like that sex is cheap and so giving away my virginity to someone who wouldn't value it at all makes we want to hold onto it all the more . However it is just a study and as they say, there are lies and then there's statistics There definitely is some truth in the results that the study has produced but more in the sense that in order to have a successful marriage, if one person is a virgin and the other isn't, you will have to work much harder at your marriage compared to if both people are virgins or both are not virgins. Mainly because there is a sexual imbalance that may cause resentment, comparisons etc - since sex is one of the 3 main reasons for marriages breaking down (the others being money and communication), by going into a marriage where the two people have had such differtent experiences, it's less likely but not impossible to make it work. My dad always tells us to "work smarter, not harder" - that's how I see marrying a virgin to marrying a non-virgin. It can and will still work and there are plenty of relationships where it does. However, you may have to work harder to get the same result. The fact that you are open to dating a non-virgin means that it isn't a deal breaker - unlike myself where I need to find out whether they are a virgin or not in order to consider dating them or not. It's a process and if it is a deal breaker one day and not the next, that's fine since we're changing all the time but once you meet someone who you are seriously considering getting into a relationship with, I think it's only then you'll know whether or not if it's a deal breaker. I also have a major issue with the term "born-again virgins" and I agree it is just a term to make themselves feel better. It's too permanent an action to try and cover it up with the fact that they are "born-again" just seems a bit silly tbh. Sex is physical first and foremost, spiritual and emotional second whereas the term "born-again Christian" relates to spirit first, then it's emotional and this transpires into physical behaviour Thanks so much for that, that's really kind of you to say, honestly I know that it is unfair to blame someone for their mistakes in an environment where they should feel safe and loved. This is because in a relationship I would hope that that person accepts my mistakes and flaws and create an environment where I am safe and loved and I can do the same for them. There are certain issues that I would find easier to deal with than most so sexual baggage probably isn't going to be one I will look past. Sadly is does lower the chances of finding a partner but what helps me is knowing that having a spouse or husband will not make me happy - only I can do that. Having a spouse is an addition to your life that not everyone is privy too, so it's better to prepare for going through life without one than stalling and hoping one will show up which is what I did before and it made me angry and distressed. Now I'm just focusing on activities that bring me joy and fulfillment while strengthening my relationship with God. Through those things I try find contentment in my own life. However whenever I see a series on marriage or another friend on Facebook gets engaged, it does make me angry upset that I have no-one in my life to that level so I have to take steps to avoid things like that - happiness in a bubble if you will. @Adam Seeing your posts, it shocks me how similar we are in a way, it's very refreshing and comforting when you encouter someone on a similar wavelenght to your own The reasons as to why you've place such an emphasis on virginity are very similar to my own so I can definitely relate to that. I also tend to keep people at a distance and am weary of trusting others since too many times since I've seen it go very very bad and I know that jealousy would be an issue for me in a relationship too. I also agree with the fact that the ideal situation is that it would be reciprocated and I know that I would have a very hard time getting over the fact that they couldn't give themselves to me in the way that I would if that person wasn't a virgin. I also think I wouldn't be able to love someone as fiercely if they weren't a virgin compared to if they were yet I would want that same love in return. It's not fair to expect something from others and not be able to give the same. Personally I think once a cheat, always a cheat - if you have the capability to cheat once, you can do it again and that alone is enough to make me leave. I don't think it's silly, I think it romantic and also a reason why I want to wait to hopefully experience the joy of two virgins giving themselves to each other on their wedding night and experiencing sex for the first time with each other Thanks so much for your contribution and insight though everyone and for those of you who have taken the time to read this lengthy post, thank you
  11. Saving your first kiss too?

    @Adam That's not to say that admitting those details as a guy isn't a big deal and what's even better is that you've overcome it as have I which is what matters People masking their true intentions is what has made it hard for me to trust people even now and is probably going to be the biggest hurdle my potential spouse will have to face since I'm so weary of people. I've seen to many issues within my external family, work and "friends" that it's safer for me to work from distrust and then as they earn it, I'll eventually open up. @redgrapes Interesting to hear about your experiences. I'm not saying that what I've said relates to everyone and as you've suggested it certainly hasn't been in your case. Solitude is fine and I'm more than happy to be alone for extended amounts of time if need be and even out of choice like it was during school. However, especially at school and uni, I've had situations where even if I'm surrounded by people, I feel isolated and that can sometimes be even worse than just being physically alone. Due to those experiences, I actually prefer solitude since it's less complicated. It's great that you still find making friendships useful, even if it is for a day at least. I guess for me, it's either all or nothing and unless I see it working for the long-haul, it's easier to have a detachable relationship which has pretty much been every relationship I've had apart from family. However, you also mentioned in one of your earlier posts that you have been in romantic relationship and you've also had long-term friends around your age - even a small group like that helps change your outlook on things like friendships and relationships - what you value and don't value. I know for my brother and sister, they have not moved schools nearly as much as I have so they have had the ability to make long-term friends which I do think helps them be a bit more tolerant in accepting certain areas whereas I tend to have a lack of tolernace to certain issues. This I definitely agree with though
  12. @Invincible I can understand the shift for virginity being less of a deal-breaker when you were younger compared to when you are older. As time goes on, a bit like fine wine, things become more precious and harder to give away. The same was for me and kissing. Before I would have been fine to kiss before my wedding day but as I've gotten older, I realised that my first kiss is very precious to me and I would want to save it for someone who could also do the same (although it's not nearly as much of a deal breaker as virginity is). From what I've seen and heard, women can be much more remorseful for their actions when it comes to premarital sex than men are. You're more likely to find a woman who regrets it than a man and that's something that's made it a deal-breaker for me. I guess also for me it doesn't actually matter if they regret it or not because the deed has been done and it's not something they could ever take back. A bit like murder, a person can regret it but they can never bring that person back from the dead since what they have done is a permanent decision and with that, there are consequences that will affect other people. That being said, I'm certainly not perfect and I've also made decisions that will affect other people but not to that extent. I think the other issue with someone being a non-virgin is that you have to be willing to accept the baggage from previous relationships that they will bring into your life. Furthermore certain experiences in my life have affected how I relate to other people. I would need to find a guy who could deal with the fact that I start off from distrusting others initially and that I am very weary in letting people into my inner circle. I agree with jealousy - depending on how you deal with it, that will play a factor in whether a person can date/marry a non-virgin or not. There definitely would need to be a lot of prayer involved though - truly accepting a persons sexual history wouldn't really work without it. Honestly, I wish I could look past virginity as a deal breaker for myself and I commend people that eventually can since it does reduce the dating pool quite drastically. However as everyone has mentioned, giving 100% and receiving significantly less is rather discouraging and honestly for me waiting not really worth it if your virginity is just going to be given to someone who at the end of the day doesn't value sex in the same way as you. That's why I'm like @Adam in the sense that I am prepared to not ever be married. It's not that I'm owed it in anyway but more to do with the fact that I cannot love someone in the way that they deserve to be loved if they are not a virgin. I would almost resent them for it and that is not healthy for either of us. I'm the kind of person who has no qualms in divorcing my husband if they cheated on me, whether or not I have children. I view sex as one of the most intimate things to do with another person and that involves a high level of trust (something that I don't do easily). By someone not being a virgin, I have no ability to ever trust them on such a level so that also plays a factor into it for me. However before even getting to whether they are a virgin or not - they need to be a Christian or there is no possibility of us having a relationship, no matter how "perfect" they may seem - that factor is too big a box not to tick.
  13. Saving your first kiss too?

    @Adam Thanks a lot for that, I appreciate it a lot I tend to get used to saying things without thinking about them if I feel the situation calls for it specifically (although I did want to leave it out as well but I though it would be better to include it to make things more fair). I guess it's rarer for females to admit things like that too since it's seen as such a male issue. But I am glad you could relate to what I've said, thanks again @Geraldine That's fine that you don't agree with things I've said. I'm not expecting everyone to agree at all since that would be a bit boring I've found the same with other posts in this forum; yours included since you do post a lot on other issues which are also interesting to read and learn from. Whether I agree on them or not is another matter entirely. But if we all had the same viewpoint, there would be no need for this forum to exist at all
  14. Saving your first kiss too?

    It's really interesting to see such different viewpoints! Thanks @Adam and @redgrapes I think the value in both mental and physical purity stems from the experiences that different people have as individuals. For people who find it "easy" to create and maintain real-life relationships and are surrounded by large communities - mental purity will be much more important because that it much rarer for them to find. For those who find it "harder" to maintain real-life relationships - physical purity will be much more important due to that being rarer for them because they tend to ride life in a much more solo fashion rather than in communities. For me personally friends have come and gone very quickly since I changed schools a lot as a child. The longest school I stayed in was for 3 years (university). My family have been the only people in my life that have stayed constant so I've seen making friends as something that is very temporary. This has lead me to distance myself from people since there is no point in getting close to people that won't be permanent in your life. The friends that I have now, will they be the same in 5 years? Probably not since that's how things have worked out in the past for me and I assume to be so in the future. We aren't even close with our extended family due to the multitude of issues there. As a result, due to the lack of close in-real life relationships in my life (excluding immediate family), there is a much higher value I place on them. I know that this is the opposite with my uni friends - they are involved in churches and were with their classmates since primary school so they are very close to those people. Since they have no shortage of in real-life relationships, they place more value on mental purity than I would. I value and yearn for physical and emotional exclusivity with my spouse due to the lack of it in my own life. The friends I've had in the past often have a further multitude of friends whereas I am very selective and could count the number of people I consider friends on both hands. The lack of exclusivity in friendships makes me desire it in a romantic relationship. I am speaking from my own experience so this could be entirely wrong but these are the reasons why I did end up going from anime (age 11) to fanfiction (pretty much most of secondary school) to hentai for myself for a bit when I was 18/19. After that, I've been much more guarded in what I allow myself to watch (which has made me cynical to romance stuff but I digress). In conclusion - those who want to save their first kiss for their spouse place a much higher importance on physical rather than mental purity which is the crux of the matter here. When you experience certain things in friendships and other relationships whether romantic or platonic, you won't search for or desire physical exclusivity as much the point where a potential spouse having kissed someone else bothers you. Whether it be mental or physical purity we desire in our spouse based on our own experiences, neither is wrong or right since everyone has different viewpoints on what is/isn't acceptable and what they can handle in a relationship. But it's been enlightening to see different viewpoints
  15. @Marono That's a fair reason and tbh the one that my friends who are open to dating/marrying non-virgins have said as well. I think jealousy does play a massive role in this. Jealousy isn't wrong - it just shows that you care However I tend to care too much and that's probably the reason I could never accept a guy who isn't a virgin. But if you can I think that's great tbh since it does increase the pool of people to choose from haha. Personality is super important. I would have shut down so quickly if they were rude or lazy, I just can't stand people like that haha. Hygiene should be a given, if people don't have good hygiene, that's a turnoff no matter how many of the other boxes you tick tbh I agree so much with that and I think definitions are important too. A lot of people do think that you can get away with so much and then claim that you're still a "virgin". I have massive issues with that and honestly, if we disagree with the definitions of what counts and a virgin adn what doesn't, that's gonna be a deal-breaker too. @Adam Haha, yeah, I've heard that a lot from my close friends who were shocked that a guy being a virgin was on my list of deal-breakers. I do see it as fishy and in a way, I also see it as them being lazy. I've kept myself and you couldn't? Clearly you're not the one for me then. The percentage thing is another reason I could never try it. I would always feel a bit bitter and sad, they get 100% whereas I end up with leftovers Character and things like that don't matter since this would always be the biggest hurdle for me to cross - hence why I ask about it early on and while we're friends so that there is no time for feelings to develop because I'll have already made my decision. There are definitely examples where it's worked out but I could never do it myself.