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About Daisetsuu

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  1. How to deal with rape

    1. You cannot tell by mere words from a stranger if he/she loves someone. There are details that I've left out about everything that had transpired for a reason. I don't want to all of her and my business out there, for sure. If you want to PM me, we can talk more in detail. I already told you that because I was still trying to make sense of everything, I wrote many things without my better judgement. Tell me, what do you find more credible, an person's account of things while they are worked up or rational and calm, you're the wise one so tell me. You've read my recent posts, you should understand where I am coming from. 2. I understand the difference in being in love and wanting to love. suffice to say, we are still early in a stage for true, deep love to envelope which is why I said, I want to move on and let go of this, at the time I will admit, I was confused as to handle this and if you had read my post above, I am pretty young and this is is difficult matter of which I had never experienced before, do you expect every young man who've just left his teenage years to handle such a situation flawlessly, we are young and make mistakes however I am trying to rise above them. After talking to my trusted spiritual advisors and loved ones in my life about myself and how to help her, I realized about my faulty way of seeing things. The reason why I asked about myself was because I thought she had dealt with it and moved on, and as such there wasn't anything I could do, which is why I came here for advice on how to view this the right way Would you really berate someone for asking for a better understanding of things or would you berate one who is selfishly adamant about viewing things his or her way? I came for advice, not for reaffirmation of my own views. I even said in the post above that my ideals WERE (PAST TENSE) short sided and shallow. If anything, the first post is not helping to articulate where I stand at the moment because at the time I did not understand how to process this information. You are making it seem like this is a situation where you can wave a hand and say all is well. No, it is difficult for both parties involved much more for the victim, also look up secondary victims of rape. For the virginity aspect, did you not realize the BUT? there is a clause for a reason, I just said that it was a shallow ideal, might I add, even misguided because I did not have enough emotional and intellectual understanding of what these terms truly mean in light of the gospel. I also said BEFORE and I had those ideals when I was young, a little kid, I grew up in the purity culture and unfortunately I absorbed some misguided aspects about what is virginity and purity. Recently, I've been trying to correct and remove such harmful tendencies to view women and I say harmful because for a second I viewed my friends situation in a unhealthy way. Read what Lovelyish posted, are you going discount how she feels? how I feel? for such a deep hurt as this, both parties are going to be in pain. I am not putting my emotions above the reality of the situation which is why I repeatably said over and over that I am dealing with them and the goal of all this is to see this in a healthy light (which I am and current am going through) Going more into details in my first post, I said my heart for a reason. In my mind, I don't believe she is impure or anything of the sort. Again, at the time I was hurt and I was trying to figure out why, I thought maybe because I felt she was impure, or violated, which in my MIND I know that isn't true. I thought maybe that was the source of my pain but now I realize that's not the case for if I truly thought she was (God forbid) I would have said or did something to make the situation worse (worst case scenario) or I would have decided to be just friends with her. Do you truly think, after the wealth of words I've said to you, that she is impure? come on. Look at my actions and not merely my words, words don't always accurately reflect what is going on in a man's heart, much less a man who is unsure of what He is feeling. Yes I did want a virgin wife, again it was an good ideal I had as a kid but while growing up in purity culture, it screwed up my thinking. Let me tell you the current way of things of where I've stand recently, even before meeting her. I confused virginity with purity and they are not one and the same. What I want is someone who is pure and by pure I mean pure according to God's standards. What does that mean? it means what does their faith look like? how do they view sexuality? Do they want to wait till marriage? purity resembling the life of Jesus and that includes sexuality. For example, a virgin who continually watches pornography and masturbates unrepentantly is impure by definition, and as such I truly wouldn't call them a virgin by those standards (if we're going by how the world seeing virginity as merely physical then yes but how can that mean they're pure? soit's a faulty way of viewing things). Virginity goes beyond the physical realm, it has to do with the soul, the inner man or women, these are things I've come to learn over the past 2 years and sometimes remnants of faulty purity culture thinking comes inside of me, as evident in the first post. I even admitted I wrote everything half hazardly, I could have even deleted my first post if I wanted to but I didn't. I wanted people to see where I messed up and where I'm trying to make up for that in better understanding. No, I had to take more time to talk to her to see what exactly happened. I was given very little information. When I said I needed to convince my heart that she was pure, I wasn't thinking nor processing my emotions clearly I was confusing my hurt, the source of my pain. I didn't understand what to make of the situation. I was compassionate and showed empathy but also sadness, rage and confusion welled up in me over time, I asked myself why and I thought maybe because I think she is impure? Growing up, I was hammered with having picture perfect wedding and history (purity culture upbringing) but again having time to talk to people and process and pray about this, it is not the case. So if you want to keep bringing that misconception up, I will continue to correct you, I gave you context and new information please read what I'm saying carefully. Yes, I said rage because you have insulted me, someone who has just asking for help. I asked to see things the right way. You talk about selfishness as if you have never been guilty of being selfish before. I had admitted my reasoning was and decided to do a heart check and relook at my mentality. I would understand your harsh replies if I insisted that my way of thinking is absolute. I repeatedly told you I wasn't of right mind in the first post and I apologize for being selfish, what more do you want? I am just as flawed as you are and I am trying to continually be better person in all areas of my life, not being complacent in any stagnant thinking. No, you weren't making just a opinion, you were judging my character, which (similar as they may be) are different things. You can form an opinion without mistakenly judging one's character. It seems to me that your replies are only stemming from my first post and not the numerous replies from me and other users. I gave you context and new information and yet you insist that none of what you said was wrong. I know myself and this situation far better than you do, tell me how your perception of things are 100% correct? Again, yes they are conflicting because I told you I wasn't of right mind which is why I am saying to take my words as is now, because I have new information and a new heart to view things differently, before I was struggling to make sense of what is what. No I did not, I asked to see things to right way, read the second and third posts as well the the replies to others users, I am probably assuming you haven't considering there is a big gap of understanding between us. Ok look, I foolishly assumed she was okay based on what I've seen of her and her words, I told her about what we can do concerning professional help. I came here because a friend told me that I should deal with my emotions before going over to help her myself. I brought up her virginity because I was raised growing up being told that it was the best way and the safest way to have a long lasting intimate marriage, I told you before that I recant my statements because I wasn't thinking properly and remnants of faulty thinking of purity culture came up. Ever since I posted I took aims to talk to people I trust and to view things from a godly perspective. Listen, if you don't see a different in tone and mentality of my recent posts then I don't see the point of arguing, we both agree on the end goal when it comes to this situation right? I took what you said into consideration (well the correct parts) if I were to take your advice blindly, it would cause considerable hurt on both sides. You say I am a man and I should make my own decisions and yet in your previous posts you explicitly told me what I should do, disregarding better judgment. EDIT: I also looked at your post history, it seems you are extremely aggressive towards people who have been in similar positions, asking for more clarity and help. I suggest you gain more of a heart of compassion and understanding rather than criticism and judgement.
  2. How to deal with rape

    Thank you also for understanding and not lobbing insults at me. Maybe it is forgiveness I’m struggling with, in case it is; I will add it to my prayer. One thing that has me thinking is that me and you are in a special place of sacrifice, meaning, our love will be so much greater than a couple who has not worked through any past tramua or baggage. I believe the strength of one’s love grows when faced with trials and covered in unconditional love and forgiveness. I’m cannot find the exact words to articulate my thoughts but I feel that our prospective partners have so much more to share than our own misguided ideals. Your story gave me hope and I thank you for sharing. We have to remind ourselves that we are made new and God can restore whatever was lost and heal what was broken, spiritually, emotionally, physically, anything. Love overcomes all. I believe it.
  3. How to deal with rape

    Yes thank you, I apologize for what I had said in the above. No, I don’t think so. Not justifying what I have said but I’m young and have age working against me, as I don’t have much life experience to drive any wisdom out of. I just didn’t know what to make sense of how I felt, I have talked to someone else and they’ve pinpoint the source of my pain and that is just the reality that such a horrible thing that can happen to someone I actually know and see. But I have Jesus and I know that He has healed her and is continuing to heal her in other areas of her life that may need it. She has told me she doesn’t think about it nor recall such details of the event and sees herself in a good light after our recent talk so that is good news and prior to she has told me she moved on. I did a lot of research of trauma from past rape and as a man, how to help your loved one should trauma resurface. I will be there for whatever healing she may need, and as time goes on I will understand what love is, no matter what happens; I will stand by her side.
  4. How to deal with rape

    Ok let me first clarify everything, I was writing without a clear mind (hence the various typos and change of writing style) which is why my thoughts came off the wrong way. 1. By violated, I meant feeling pain that she was taking advantage of when she was younger, not like violated in the sense of someone trespassing on property, which from your reply seems to imply that what you think I’m thinking. How would you feel if your loved one told you she was taken advantage of? yes you would feel empathy but also **pain** similar to a pain a father would feel if his child was hurt from someone, 2. I did not lie to her and this is me trying to make sense of my emotions. Maybe I should have better articulated what I felt before writing this post instead of doing it half hazardly. I can’t help what I feel and I am trying to make sense of it and deal with it the best that I can, she told me she has moved on is ok but I told her if anything I will be there for her and suggested counseling if flashbacks or anything from the past springs up. I asked if there was anything I could do. for the purity thing, I knows she’s pure and I believe it, I’ve had more time to talk to her and process my emotions, if anything I regret suggesting that she was anything but and now having a better understanding of what had happened, I recant that statement and under such reason I do understand your rage so forgive me for being emotionally stupid and immature , but understand that I was hurt by what happened to her and trying to process this (little) information I had. 3. Yes, I know my feelings may come across as selfish, but understand that I don’t think she is lesser goods or anything of the like. If I did, why would I be typing this? why I would try to understand her emotions and what had happened? I wouldn’t made made the decision to stick by her side through thick or thin. I know I need to work on my self and my perceptions and that is why I’m striving to change but how you are making me sound like I think that she’s damaged goods is not correct at all. I’ll repeat again, yes she’s the victim here but not me; however, raped affects the loved ones too and a friend once told me I should process and deal with my emotions first before going over to help someone. She has shown healing for the most part (I agree with the part where you said she still needs healing and I pray and take measures that she doesn’t view herself that way, told her adamantly not to) I have underestimated the impact of the news but the news that such a thing happened to an innocent awesome girl is something I’m trying to process, but I will get through it. That’s why I came here for help to gain a better perspective, I didn’t come here for judgement. Aside from my foolish purity statement, in regard to everything else you just said, I am just a flawed person you are, so for you to judge me incorrectly so harshly without truly knowing who I am as a person is very superificial and judgemental. The fact that you suggested that I should break up with her is also very extremely selfish and impulsive of you, sir. How can you decide whether one loves someone or not through a computer screen, much less be the deciding factor of whether a relationship should end or not? that makes absolutely no sense! How dare you even suggest such a thing? There was a similar poster who asked a similar question and I didn’t find that many harsh replies and again I know I should have worded myself better, I aplologize.
  5. Edit: More information regarding the events, she wasn’t a child but a young teenager, it happened not too many years ago. Hello all! so to make a long story sjort, this girl that I am currently seeing is amazing. Awesome faith, happy, smart, is like an innocent dove. Well into a month of us talking she confided that she was raped when she younger (3-5 years ago, I believe, I haven’t asked the details of the timing but it happened when she was a bit younger, when she was a child) she’s 18 now and basically I’m wondering how to deal with this? she told me she’s healed and has moved on and forgave and that she doesn’t think she’ll have any problems of us gettingintimate in the future. She can’t recall the event vividly but she is past it and believes that she is made new I hope this doesn’t sound selfish, but ever since then, the news hurt me. she even said its ok if I decided not to date her beause of how ugly her past was but I decided how can I walk away from someone who didn’t have a say from what happened to her? never! So jow do i deal witj the pain, I still consider her a virgin but virginity must be given willingly and rape, is not consensual sex and well, she was a child...but I still have tjis feeling like my future wife is violated. How do I align my emotions to my mind? I don’t want to see her any differently, before het I truly wanted a wife who was a virgin with no sexual experience (such as I, but I did struggle with pmo) but I realized my ideals were shortsided and shallow, How can I accept and move past, to convice my heart that she is pure, not violated. She expressed pain that she isn’t pure in the body but I told her I believe she is! God can restore what was lost but why am I still hurt? why am I making this ahout me? I don’t know what to make of this but I want to move on and love her, I just need assurance and help.
  6. I just want to say that you are freakin awesome and I pray to God I really met someone like you, I'm in your position. I wonder if I'll ever find a true Woman of God. Every Woman I thought was going after God's heart eventually showed that they were going after other things, I sometimes feel alone, like is there another woman who shares the same desire to please Christ? it saddens me...BUT! I shan't give up hope. She is out there, waiting for me.