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About Skylark

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    Midwest, USA

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  1. New Members-Girls Only

    Welcome! It's good to have you here.
  2. Social Bias Against Men

    Thank you for your response, @Amarillo. I would like to address some of your comments, but I don't want to derail this thread much more than I have already. I'll send a DM your way.
  3. Social Bias Against Men

    As a Christian woman who is also a feminist, I've been thinking about Mike Pence's reported rule that he will not eat a meal alone with a woman. I admire the way that this conveys his high regard for his wife, and I deeply respect the way that he wants to protect his most valuable relationship. However, I can't help thinking about this from the perspective of a single woman, since I am one. Pence's rule suggests that any woman is a threat to his marriage and that her intellect and abilities are less important than the sexual danger that her body poses to him. More practically, a lot of politics and business happens over shared meals, and Pence's rule could reinforce a "good old boys" club mentality that unfairly shuts out the contributions of women. So yes, he is respectful to his wife. But is he respectful to other women around him? Yes, I think the institution of marriage has been tainted by patriarchy, but I don't think that it is fundamentally or unavoidably patriarchal (which is where I disagree with the author of the article). As a Christian, I believe that patriarchy is one of the sinful ways that humans have corrupted God's holy design for marriage. As a feminist, I believe that women should get to make choices about their sexuality. Waiting until marriage is my choice.
  4. My aunt and uncle, who've been married 35 years, say that this article is spot on. The author's attitude to marriage really resonates with me, but I'm curious how some of you respond. Two excerpts: And this: Thoughts?
  5. Yes. You said just what was on my mind as I continued to think about this thread. Fear poisons love. I hope we all can strive to bravely reject fear and insecurity.
  6. There's an unfair cultural expectation out there that a man should have the same or more romantic/sexual experience than a woman in a relationship, which can cause men to feel insecure about "too little" experience and women to feel ashamed about "too much" experience. I wonder if you're feeling the effects of this expectation. As waiter in my 30's, I know what it is to look at hopes I had as a younger woman and realize that they may not be realistic anymore. There is a certain grief that comes with that realization, and I won't pretend otherwise. I think it's important to call it grief and handle it in an honest and healthy way. That said, I want to paint a more hopeful portrait of mature love and romance that the scenarios and worries that you've described. Heartbreak can produce compassion and empathy. Waiting can develop contentment and maturity. "Firsts" matter less than "bests" and "mosts." Life experiences (romantic and otherwise) can produce wiser and more confident people. People can love deeply, be hurt deeply, and love again more deeply still. Past relationships are past for good reasons. And how beautiful it would be for two mature and wise people to say to each other: "Of all the love stories in the world, ours is my favorite."
  7. Trying to Get Over a Break-Up

    Breaking up just sucks. I hope you're doing ok. Grief takes a while to process. Daily habits have to change. It'll be hard (maybe for longer than you think), but you'll be ok. This American Life, one of my favorite radio shows/podcasts, devoted an entire episode to break ups ("Break-Up" Episode 339). It has some sad stories and some funny ones, and it's a good reminder that whatever you're feeling, you're not alone. You can find it in the show's web archives. I hope you are finding healthy ways to process and heal.
  8. Thank you for pinpointing why this article made me squirm. Like you, I applaud the advice that it gives about kind words, and I suspect that I may be missing key points about cultural context and audience. However, I agree the article undermines the agency of women, and I also think it suggests that wives are treasured possessions rather than valued partners. I know that I may be out of step with some of my Christian brothers and sisters on this, but as I get older, I have less and less patience for Christian teaching that encourages female passivity or relies on broad stereotypes of men and women. <stepping off soapbox now>
  9. Seeking Pleasures of the Flesh

    I'm curious about the premise of your question: where do you see that scripture condemns seeking the pleasures of the flesh? I looked for a scriptural reference, and I didn't find one, but perhaps you're referring to a broader teaching that relies on a number of passages. I do see scriptural warnings against the lust of the flesh (2 Tim. 3:4) and against being a slave to pleasure (Titus 3:3). Those passages don't seem to condemn the pleasures of the flesh, but rather unbridled desire that has no regard for Christ's authority. Given the Bible's joyful depictions of pleasure in feasting, dance, and sex, I'd hesitate to claim that seeking the pleasures of the flesh is sinful.
  10. Christian Advice about Modesty

    I'm a Christian, and I have a lot of thoughts on this subject, but I'll try to keep this brief. I watched the first 10 or so minutes of the video and found it difficult to stomach in places, especially when teenage boys are presented as experts about how men behave and how women should behave. I always get uncomfortable when we Christians discuss modesty. As Invincible said, the conversation tends to revolve around women's behavior. We seem to blame women for what they cannot control (the sexual attraction of men) and fail to hold men accountable for what they can control. I know that our clothing can reflect our spiritual condition (much like our spiritual condition is reflected in our finances, our attitude to work, our friendships, our leisure and hobbies, etc.). I know that the Christian life is lived in community and that we are called to love, support, and encourage each other. But this is one issue where I believe that our teaching has placed an unfair burden of shame on women. I'll also admit to some conflicted feelings on this topic. I don't mean to imply that I believe modesty is unimportant or that I have no respect for the perspectives presented in the video. Nor would I ever want to offend any of you other posters. I humbly submit my misgivings to a community I value.
  11. I understand that we all, particularly we waiters, have our standards of sexual ethics and that we will form judgments (sometimes negative ones) about others' behavior in accordance with our standards. However, I would hope that we can express difference or disapproval without resorting to derogatory terms. This thread has touched a chord with me because I deeply dislike how scrutinizing and criticizing the sexual lives and choices of women is considered socially acceptable. Notice how there are plenty of disapproving terms for a promiscuous woman but few for her male counterpart. I entered this conversation because 1) I think that the portrayal of the young woman in question was unfair and unkind, and 2) I think words like "slut" and "whore" are almost always inappropriate. Those terms are usually used to shame and stereotype women, and I'd like to see them disappear from the cultural lexicon. A pipe dream, I know. And a word to you, Sobriquet: I understand your pain and anger. i know from personal experience: break ups suck! While it can be momentarily gratifying to hear and speak ill of the person who has hurt you, I hope that you will ultimately find a healthier and more satisfying form of closure.
  12. @Welcome: Slut is a noun, and it's different to apply a noun to someone than an adjective. Nouns communicate identity in a way that adjectives don't (consider slut vs. slutty). I still find it a dehumanizing term, particularly in this case. And of course intent becomes action, but action is always more important than intent. There's that saying about the road to hell being paved with good intentions, which communicates that actions are much more significant. I think it's supremely unfair to judge a young woman by an intent which may or may not be acted upon.
  13. I agree with hanachu. As a waiter, I appreciate when my choices for my sexual life are respected and not openly denigrated. I think it's only fair that I extend the same attitude to people who make different choices, even--perhaps especially--when I disagree. The derogatory terms used to describe this woman have reduced her rich and complex personhood to a narrow description of sexual behavior. She, like all of us, is much more than her sex life. Also, she has been labeled not for any specific actions, but for her intent, which seems particularly unfair. I think the end of this relationship is probably for the best, but describing her in these terms is unnecessarily unkind.
  14. Hello, WTM!

    I already knew this was a special place, but your kinds words of welcome just confirmed it again. Thank you, everyone!