Will H

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About Will H

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    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 10/31/1989

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    Minneapolis, MN
  • Interests
    Board games, reading, and bicycling

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  1. Reading your words, it looks like you see a big disconnect between who she is now and what happened to her in the past, which I think is wonderful. Clearly there is a lot of emotional hurt over her being "violated". Why does that bother you so much? Are you concerned that she'll not be faithful because of this? Do you fear that she'll not want to be intimate? Is she "damaged goods"? Also, it may be helpful to talk about it in person with someone you trust. Since your faith seems to be important to you, perhaps a pastor or other spiritual authority. I think that part of your struggle may be that these are confusing emotions. Having someone to talk it out with, and pray about it with you, may help you get through this more easily.
  2. So in movies and such, couples spontaneously decide to have sex, then stay in the bed and sleep till morning. I always brush my teeth before going before bed and it occurred to me that those couples probably didn't brush their teeth before their spontaneous decision, and I had a hard time imagining them getting out of bed and brushing their teeth, then going back to bed. Do you brush your teeth and anything else you do for bed before even being open to the idea of having sex? Do you get up after sex to do it? Or do you just skip it?
  3. From the other side, I'm a Christian guy who is waiting till marriage and while I do sometimes find women who are also waiting, it's frustrating to find those who aren't. I remember at one point freaking out that I was the only person I knew who was waiting till marriage, and found that both friends and even my pastor at church didn't feel like it was something to do. To be honest, this was one of the reasons that I decided to leave my church and switch denominations. I really found it too stressful to be at a church that was okay with premarital sex, not only due to my own religious convictions, but also because I just felt it was too isolating to not have anybody support me in my decision. I'm currently attending a Catholic Church, and of course they are very much supportive of waiting till marriage (or being celibate in the case of the priesthood). There are Christian guys out there who, like you, are looking for a Christian woman who is waiting. It's a pain that you can't find each other. If he's not in the places you've already looked, maybe he's somewhere new. Of course, you'll need to be okay with searching there, and relying on God to guide you.
  4. So I've been online dating for a while and oftentimes wind up with one-way conversations with people I'm matched with. I ask open-ended questions, and while she responds, she doesn't really ask questions back. After a while, it starts feeling like a job interview. I don't know if she's not interested or is shy or what. Honestly, it's something that really makes me less interested in her. How do you deal with these one-sided conversations in online dating?
  5. Thanks to both of you for your responses. That could be an element. I haven't dated a lot, and I've been fortunate enough to know in relationships that have been kind of serious that the other person was waiting too, so that was comforting. I'm sure that being a person of faith helped a lot with it. Honestly, I don't know how I would react if I fell for someone who wasn't a waiter because it's never happened yet (or rather, it's never gotten to the point where I'd have to consider if it was a dealbreaker in a relationship). I'd like to think that I'd be able to thoughtfully consider it, but perhaps there is an element of fear to it. And yeah, maybe there is a fear that even though I've dated people who are waiters, there aren't any more out there or that I'll never find them. That may be part of it. I guess growing up in a democratic society where majority vote is seen as a good thing, it can be tough sometimes to feel part of the minority on something I feel is important. There is an element of social isolation too, I suppose, which makes it more feelings-based and less "logical". It's possible that part of it is that I take it as a judgement against my morals. It occurred to me that I sometimes feel a similar reaction when someone derogatively says I'm a "prude". My morals and values are pretty important to me, so maybe that's why I'm bothered by it?
  6. I feel pretty confident in my decision to wait until marriage for sex, but I have realized that I feel really insecure when confronted with the fact that it's not "normal", by which I mean that it is a minority opinion. What's strange to me is that I am against the norm on a number of things. For instance, it doesn't bother me much when I find myself against the norm on a political or ideological belief. But for some reason, going against the norm on waiting until marriage bothers me. The other day I'd read something on how few people, even among religious circles, were waiting until marriage and I started freaking out and had to take a walk to calm down. To be clear, I don't think plan to go have sex just to "fit in" (and I doubt that would really solve anything). That's why I say I'm confident in my decision to wait; I honestly can't see that changing. But I don't know why I get so bothered by this not being "normal" or how I can deal with it. What does that say about me that this is where I am?
  7. denominations

    I attend a Lutheran church, and have spent a lot of time in Catholic churches, although to me which denomination you go to is generally less important so long as you find one where you can worship God. As for why there are different denominations, I'm going to go into full on academic mode here. It seems to me that denominations largely stem from the two primary ways of understanding how we learn about God and the Bible: It's up to the church to understand the Bible, and they guide individuals in the right teachings: While we continue to refer to the Bible, we recognize that there are different ways to interpret it. In the event of a conflict, we defer to the historical tradition within the worldwide church. Additionally, we trust that the church as a whole will guide its members to make the right decisions for any issues of the day that come. This is the main view of Catholics, and to a lesser extent Anglicans and Methodists. The main criticism of this view is that the church is still led by fallible humans and sometimes has made decisions that, in retrospect, were not in line with what we feel matches God's will (sale of indulgences, Crusades, etc.). The centralized authority of these denominations tends to make them fewer in number (with only a handful of major ones), but they are much larger in size. It's up to the individual to understand the Bible, and they should decide for themselves the right teachings: The technical term for this is sola scriptura (Latin for "scripture alone"). Basically, the only infallible teaching is the Bible, and traditions, even those held by the larger church, can be a hindrance to that understanding. Lutherans, Baptists, and the vast majority of denominations (including "non-denominational" churches) fall into this category. The main criticism of this view is that without an authority to weigh in on the correct interpretation of scripture, there will be a lot of divisions as people will read a Bible passage and come to two (or more) contradicting interpretations, both of which they feel is correct. For instance, should a Christian be baptized by immersion or is pouring water on them enough? There's also disagreements on how much of the Bible applies to today and how much was only relevant to the culture at the time it was written. Because of these differing interpretations, there are thousands and thousands of such denominations worldwide of varying sizes. A lot of divisive issues for Christians, particularly with what is or isn't a sin and how we should live our life as Christians, tend to come back to these two differing views. I recognize that some of these differences can seem very divisive (early Christianity were divided over whether or not Christians should follow Jewish dietary laws. Today, a major division is over homosexuality). There aren't a lot of easy answers, especially when the stakes feel very big. There's of course the question of "why can't we stop arguing and making divisions?". My personal observation is that the former group tends to respond by saying "Let's unify together as we take our journey of faith, with the guidance of those who know best." The latter tends to respond by saying "I don't trust others telling me how to live out my faith. Let's each just focus on our own journey." Is one better or worse? I don't know the answer to that, but I do know that it's not an easy problem to solve. Despite all of those big debates, one thing that the vast majority of Christians do agree on is our understanding of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, as well as how we are saved. You may have heard the Nicene Creed in your church. Those words have been repeated by Christians worldwide for nearly 1700 years to show our unified understanding of all of these fundamental beliefs, the ones that we feel are the most important. TL/DR: Denominations happen because we have disagreements over how we learn from God, and in response to that, how we understand how to live our lives. But we do have several beliefs that we are united in, and that's what's important.
  8. Boundless.org (a site for young adult Christians, focused on leading to marriage) just had an article called Don't Marry Yourself, and they opened with the Seinfeld clip that @HeWhoWaits shared). One thing that I liked was that it pointed out that sometimes we may be looking for someone who values a particular thing (like a particular hobby), but in reality we are looking for similarity with some deeper value:
  9. What would you say would be the consequences of an out of order house if the wife was the spiritual leader?
  10. I think many people, particularly in the Christian faith, have an expectation that the husband in a marriage is the spiritual leader of the family. How would you feel if the wife was the spiritual leader of the family instead? This might be for a number of reasons. Perhaps the wife has a more dominant personality and generally takes more leadership roles. Perhaps the husband has less religious education. Or perhaps the husband is a recent convert and the wife is a lifelong person of faith.
  11. Merry Christmas

    Merry Christmas! And for any who are going through tough times, know that God came into a broken world to save, forgive, and heal it. It is for the difficult times you are facing that Jesus came to this world.
  12. Just Joined!!!!!!

    Welcome! There are definitely a number of "born again virgins" on this site, so you should feel right at home!
  13. Hello!

    Glad that you found us! It's definitely tougher to find waiters out there, since we don't really boast about our decision in public. But you are definitely not alone.
  14. As with others, I am a 27 year old guy who meets all the requirements except for the music preferences. I don't think I've ever met a happily married couple who said that the reason their marriage worked was because they liked the same music. I'm sure it helps, since sharing interests is a good thing, but I believe there are more important things. As you can see from this topic, you are not alone in wanting many of these qualities in a future spouse. I know it is tempting to feel that way since you probably don't encounter them on a daily basis, but they are there.
  15. Having lived both with others and alone, I think my preference would be to live in our own house. I would only want to live in my parents house for a short term if required.