'tis the Bearded One

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Everything posted by 'tis the Bearded One

  1. Melancholy Music

    Sometimes we just want to listen to sad music. So, post your sad, depressing, anguish songs and let's wallow together!
  2. We have a serious thread of why we decided to wait. I thought a more non-serious one could be fun! I made it third party so it doesn't have to be personal or gender specific. Be sarcastic, satirical, witty whatever. Shoot! Why should you wait? So your partner can't propose to you during sex! Have fun sharing that story...
  3. Humorous: Why you should wait!

    You should wait because "When were you last tested?" doesn't sound like foreplay to me.
  4. Virgin Therapists: Home Sweet Hell

    Sorry for the late reply; lost sight of it.... I think you're misunderstanding the concept of interpersonal vulnerability. You might like to watch some videos on youtube - Brene Brown is a researcher addressing vulnerability. Vulnerability isn't weakness (though it can be problematic if you are habitually vulnerable to an abusive person or otherwise actioned unhealthily as much as other good things like generosity can take on an unhealthy form). Take a person who doesn't make themselves interpersonally vulnerable to another human being and you're talking about a psychopath. How do you gain confidence in someone else? No matter what their level of expertise or skill they are human and failure is always an option. Intellectual belief in their capabilities only gets you so far. I'm sure you've heard the Charles Blondin Wheelbarrow Story. And again, how do you develop trust? At its core through some form of risk. Doesn't mean you're wracked with fear and nail biting or that you are some mess of insecurities. You may not be consciously aware of taking the risk but it exists nonetheless. Confidence and trust in someone doesn't just spontaneously happen. It develops - it can increase and decrease. Certainly, people have different levels of base trust/confidence that they extend to others depending on various factors but that base level certainly wouldn't be enough for a marriage. A trust relationship exists because someone took a chance/risk. If not through some risk, what do you think grows trust or confidence in others? My guess would be that they've built their successful marriage through sharing their weaknesses, insecurities, and fears which gives the opportunity for increasing understanding and trust and responding to eachother's deeper concerns. That sharing takes vulnerability, it is a risk, because that knowledge can be used against the sharer. Someone you've opened up to, someone who knows you, can hurt you like no one else.
  5. How Can You Know if You Are Ready to Be a Godly Wife?

    I have read the claim that undocumented labour in the USA provides a net economic gain but regardless of that I don't think you can take this Bible text, which is of an individual nature and given to a conquered people under a foreign government and apply it as an argument against deportation of illegal immigrants by a government - and a secular one at that. This text cannot be use to effectively force others through government policy to be generous and impose open borders. Consider Romans 13:1–7.
  6. Regarding Addicts

    While you may also have some problems with anxiety and depression independent of porn consumption, from what I know they would be most likely causally linked. You are feeling some of the negative consequences of porn consumption. Its not worth it. Get help and get through it!
  7. Regarding Addicts

    I think the definition of addiction is fairly well defined. Diagnosing is what the layman may have difficulties with. Porn and alcohol aren't addictions. Addiction is a particular relationship with a substance or activity that may or may not be considered inherently addictive. Whether someone is an addict or not has nothing to do with the tolerance level of the one seeing the addict. While there are different levels of addiction they are all still addicts.
  8. You can have two dream rooms in your home, what do you want?

    What is a regular dungeon? Like...a cellar?? Dream room? A study that opens up to a private patio with plenty of room for plants and bees and some tinkering. A good kitchen is worth a lot too....
  9. Birth control/condoms as a married man or woman

    In the immortal words of Mark Gungor: "Wearing a condom is like eating an icecream cone with a sock on your tongue.” I haven't really given contraception much research. I imagine my wife will have done a lot more. The IUD sounds ok. I've also heard that neem is really effective too...
  10. Favorite saint of purity

    Yes, as interesting and important as these theological discussions are they do belong in a different thread. There are many different religious perspectives on this forum and debate should be restricted to threads designed for debate out of respect and preventing threads from getting derailed. @Geraldine Maybe you would like to start a separate discussion thread?
  11. Yo @Invincible, can we get this shifted to VDA? No idea sorry. I don't really know more than I wrote. But they wouldn't be the only ones struggling with getting the sex life kickstarted in marriage (see podcast below). So the guy might not be a natural romantic. I would suggest not giving "hints" but being direct and giving him the bottom line. There is a gender difference in communication style. A female might pick up on your hints but a male may not. "I feel it is special when..." "I don't feel it is special when..." As with anything, you'll have to give him grace that his version of special may be different from yours and you will (likely) need to compromise to some extent if you want to set up a healthy relationship. Remember that while he may have had sex with others this is his first time with you too and his desires and expectations are also relevant, not just yours. Basically don't assume you like or dislike anything because some other partner liked or didn't like it. Here is a link to a podcast I like to listen to and only came across this segment a little while ago and thought it relevant to a number of issues you are facing: the "Ok sex is Ok" section with Gary Thomas http://www.boundless.org/podcast-section/2017/marks-of-a-mature-christian-episode-469 Hmmm. He doesn't give enough foreplay and you pump the breaks because he is rushing things; he gives extended foreplay and you pump the breaks because you feel guilty instead of aroused. You are pumping the breaks because you don't feel something is special enough when he does but you also feel guilty when the sex feels like its just all about you and pump the breaks. Can you see a significant problem here? Rather than an addon to the problem, it may be the problem - and "his problems" are an easier and more comfortable target. He may have problems, but that doesn't excuse you owning up to and working on your own. Interacting with only one party is necessarily limiting. Have you sought couple/individual counselling? This would be particularly relevant if you have vaginismus or something similar. By the sounds of things seeing a sex therapist would most probably be beneficial too - for him and you. An attitude of (if you have it) "I'll work on my problems when he works on his" is not healthy. The only thing you can control is yourself. A common problem in marriages are cycles of hurt that can only break when one person "chooses to be the bigger person". Check this out: http://www.drsuejohnson.com/where-does-love-go-wrong/ What baggage would you be accepting and how would you be accepting it? But you are married now so apart from seeking repentance for and working through guilt for past choices I don't see the relevance. How long ago was your wedding btw for some context? Anyone else have any ideas? I'm feeling a little alone out here... Any ladies?
  12. Congratulations on your wedding, Lovelyish!

    Yay Congratulations! Hope you had and are having an awesome time
  13. Engagement Ring Stone

    Opal anyone? Though I suppose they may need too large a piece to really shine...
  14. Engagement Ring Stone

    Oh you get chains. They're just intangible
  15. What I find noticeably tough at times is the lack of physical affection, just non-sexual affectionate physical touch. Apart from hello/goodbye hugs I pretty much don't get any voluntarily affectionate touch. The most affectionate touch I currently get is from my godchildren - their passionate hugs, when they just want to climb all over you, when they get jealous of each other because one of them is sitting on you, when they want to be held, when they snuggle into you....ahhhh I soak it up like a sponge in the Atacama desert. Last year a friend gave me a short shoulder massage for my birthday. I nearly teared up. *sigh*
  16. Account.

    please leave your content when you go!
  17. Do you abstain from other things besides sex too?

    @meandmyfaith when you say eaten, do you mean chewing or ingesting? Just curious...
  18. I finally decided to go to this extent...

    Welcome Axel You know, it is probably the beard....you need to grow it longer
  19. following the yellow brick road

    Welcome when I first saw your title I asked myself if there really was a road called that haha
  20. New here :) Hello from Texas

    Welcome I do believe we have a few people from Texas here.
  21. Social Bias Against Men

    Diverting somewhat from Queen's thread on spousal abuse, I wanted to share these three clips: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9HMhSvnbmk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgvHY--xeC4#t=155 What are your thoughts? Have you experienced first hand unacceptable bias against men? Do you consider it a largely inevitable result of trying to create gender equality - i.e. the pendulum swinging from one to the other till hopefully it settles in the middle? Do you believe it exists in the first place?
  22. That was an unexpected hard right turn! This snippet of information changes things...We have come across the issue of a couple struggling to consummate post-marriage. I don't know much more - as far as I know a married waiter assisted through PM to maintain privacy. If you want there may be some married (or previously married) waiters who can help you out that way and be a bit more candid. Otherwise, since you are new here, I thought I'd mention you can request the thread be moved to the VDA forum so only forum members can access it. From this I gather that you two have tried but that he is rushing foreplay and he is not making the event special enough to live up to your long anticipated expectation (which I totally get!) which makes you pump on the breaks. I gather you have had the sexpectations talk and I'm guessing you've talked about what you would like for context to make it feel special? If it is something specific and tangible (like rose petals on the bed; massage etc) is he giving a reason why he isn't meeting those requests? As far as foreplay I gather he just isn't doing enough. Maybe he needs to be told to forget whatever he incidentally learnt from his previous sexual liaisons (in a tactful manner). Those women will most likely not have required as much foreplay as a virgin or liked different things. Maybe in the heat of the moment he is forgetting how much foreplay you need. I remember a kid who used to live with us who would get an adrenaline rush when sitting at the table. The thought of being about to eat would cause him to tremble, start seriously salivating, and his mental focus on other things would deteriorate. And here we are talking about first-time sex with your loved one so....! In this case as long as he is willing to give extended foreplay, you may need to be a more explicit gatekeeper of when he can proceed with what. Maybe come up with a red light, yellow light, green light system. You may need to take more control potentially even down to going girl-on-top so you can ah...control everything....at the crux moment. This could allay your concerns of him going to fast if you are in control of the pace. <maybe this needs to be in VDA anyway...>.< @Invincible> Another factor may be un/conscious fears on your part that are preventing you from being ready enough - in which case it may not be his lack of foreplay. If you aren't allowing yourself to get into frame of mind required by you for him to proceed it may be unfair to put it all on him. That may be something to pay attention to. Either way you may like to check out the Sexual Icebreakers thread though there isn't much content it introduces a concept of easing the two of you into new territories. Hmmm does he have a problem with the term "sex" thus preferring a different one or is he saying that he believes the sex act is demeaning in itself? And is it demeaning in general or only specifically between you two? If he does, is it demeaning towards you, him, or both of you? This will be of interest in how you address those feelings/beliefs. Sadly there is a whole heap of rubbish over the condemnation of sex - as opposed to just the condemnation of immoral sex - in some religious circles. Historically (and there may still be some adherents on some level) there were some Christian scholars who saw even sex within marriage as a necessary evil. Far out! Totally sad and biblically inaccurate. You may want to explore where these deep beliefs are coming from (if he has them). It doesn't necessarily have to have a religious origin. You may want to read up on the Madonna-whore complex. One other thought that I had, and its probably a stretch, but maybe he is rushing the foreplay over difficulties of maintaining an erection or concerns about loosing it (temporarily).
  23. Just Curious: Why do you like short girls?

    Makes sense. Perception, even if divorced from reality, is powerful. If we are talking about some Darwinian evolution then I would tend to disagree with this sentiment. Consider that in more primitive settings (lacking the security nets and opportunities of a more complex society) having a smaller/weaker/more vulnerable partner in need of extra protection (aka extra resources that others need to provide) isn't a favourable thing (emphasis on "in need of extra protection” - not necessarily linked with height/size). It is a luxury. I suspect a particular attraction to women “in need of protection” as partners (as opposed to desiring to protect the people we love) is a first world, romanticised notion and at its worst the playing out of a dysfunctional “rescuer” role - which can be good-willed or predatory. Thoughts?
  24. Why do guys do this?...

    Seconded. That's what came into my mind anyway. Maybe also trying to elicit jealousy or boost their profile? As in "desired people are more desirable": https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/women-men-relationships-more-attractive-dating-romance-university-study-a8185026.html.