Steadfast Madcap

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About Steadfast Madcap

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    Supreme Mugwump

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    The Void

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  1. No longer fun..... (?)

    I initially joined this site because I was stuck on a sex-crazed college campus, while I was in a LDR with the only person I'd ever kissed. I felt very "other" socially for that reason, so it was really nice to be able to get validation from other people who shared my more traditional views about dating, marriage, and family. THEN...I graduated and moved much closer to my boyfriend, so that initial reason I joined was no longer an issue in my life, and I kinda stopped posting. I do lurk, but...sometimes it's just hard to come up with stuff to write about without feeling like I'm repeating one of my other 1,000+ posts here.
  2. I would love to be a stay at home mom, at least until any kids I have are school-age (5-ish in the US). Probably a few years beyond that, if at all possible. My own mom stayed at home until I was in middle school, and I think it was super beneficial for me to have her so involved in my care (volunteering at school, leading Girl Scouts, just playing around, etc). I think she and I are much closer than we would have been were she working through my most formative years. Given the current financial state of the world, I realize this may not be possible for me, but it would really break my heart if I had to work when I had little babies. As for when we don't have kids, or when our kids are, I've never had a career I felt passionate about, so sometimes I think "Man, I'd really love to be a housewife instead of having to work." But ultimately I think I'd feel bored, and like I wasn't contributing enough to the household, if I just stayed at home without doing anything else. However, if I pursued something like writing books and trying to get them published, or some other non-traditional career that is flexible and done primarily from home, then as long as it wasn't a financial burden on my partner I'd consider that a pretty ideal way to live.
  3. @'tis the Bearded One I don't think any human being is entitled to sex from another human being. In a healthy marriage, however, both parties should be freely giving sex fairly regularly, so I would say having an expectation of sex is reasonable. I'm a bit more liberal than you are when it comes to situations where divorce is applicable, so my perspective on this differs a bit. I wouldn't consider witholding sex to be abusive, except in the specific situation where it is being used to manipulate or punish the other party. However, if it goes on for too long, then it may still be grounds for a divorce if nothing is changed. Just as I would consider an unemployed spouse sitting on the couch all day refusing to look for work to not be abusive, but it would certainly be grounds for a divorce if they refused to get help working on their issues. Likewise, I also see the situation Naturally presented as being something that could be relationship threatening -- my husband going behind my back and applying for a job in another city away from my friends and family and work, and then expecting me to uproot my life for the sake of his job? I would be deeply questioning the kind of person I married, at that point. No relationship will ever be perfect, but I do think it's fair to wait until general harmony has been restored before pursuing sex. As for things that take years to work out -- well, those are probably issues that I would consider it reasonable to divorce over. Coming at this from my own experience: my partner and I maybe have one really bad fight each year. I don't think it's ever taken more than like, a week, for me to feel like we're back to our loving selves. If fights are happening much more often than that, or it's taking a really long time to move past the resentment, then I'd say the relationship has a much bigger problem than a resulting lack of sex. As for what type of conflicts or issues are justifiable reasons for turning down sex, I think there's wayyy to many individual situations or scenarios imaginable to ever really begin to come up with a comprehensive list. First of all, I do think just "not being in the mood" is a valid reason, as long as your "not in the mood" phase doesn't drag on too long. Work stress, family stress, being tired, not feeling well -- again, all good reasons. Big life changes, like having a baby or a death in the family, probably warrant an even bigger drought, even though the spouse isn't doing anything wrong in that situation. Pretty much as long as the lack of sex isn't being used to punish or manipulate the spouse, I don't think there's a "bad" reason to not be in the mood. It becomes dysfunctional not when a specific reason isn't "good enough," but rather when there's always some kind of excuse they're coming up with to put off sexual intimacy. I think the average married couple has sex what, once every two weeks or something like that? So I think if a spouse has put off sex for, say, two months, and it isn't because of a major tragedy, then they need to take a serious look at themselves and their marriage to see what they can do to work on that.
  4. I totally understand and agree with all of this. Occasional dry periods are understandable, but if it's at the point where it's been a month+ with no sex (ish, actual timeline would really depend on the people involved and the specific stressor), or one of the spouses constantly shuts down sexually due to the slightest problem, then that is something that they need to work on overcoming.
  5. "Female attitude?" I know many guys (including my own partner) who are with me on this one. I'm actually wondering if something about long-term waiting leads to this kind of intense emphasis on sex I'm seeing from the guys here. Because among the men I know personally in the real world...sure, they would all say it's a critical part of a relationship, but I can't see them arguing for this need for 24/7 365/day availability regardless of all circumstances like I'm seeing here. I think that you're making an uncharitable assumption about every woman who isn't in the mood for sex during an argument. It's not about punishing the husband, she's just not in the mood due to the emotional upset in the relationship ("no sex until we calm down, clear our heads, and work out a resolution that suits us both"). If she has a pattern of using sex as a weapon to get her way, ("no sex until this argument is resolved 100% in my favor") then yeah, that's messed up, and I don't think a single woman here has argued otherwise. Which rest of your post? This is again, I think, reading the actions of the wife in the most uncharitable way possible. It goes back to what I said above -- it's not about "damn the relationship," or treating the husband as an inconvenience. It's about "let's fix the relationship before performing the ultimate expression of a loving harmonious connection with another human being." If a husband and his wife otherwise have a happy and active sex life, why does he need to sleep with her so badly *in that particular moment* to the point where it is supposedly inherently damaging to him to be turned down? I would also be pretty disgusted if my partner pushed sex on me in the immediate aftermath of an unresolved argument, or in the middle of a period of intense disagreement. I think you are underestimating how scary and horrible a bad argument in a long-term relationship can be. They're not "trivial" at all. It's like your whole world is crashing down.
  6. I find it far more toxic for a husband to feel entitled to sex with his wife during an argument than for a wife to be turned off by the idea of sex during a fight. It seems that the husband in that case is rather dehumanizing his wife -- essentially using her as a sex toy to fulfill a purely physical desire, rather than seeking a genuine joyful sexual connection. I mean honestly -- is sex with a hurt, angry partner who really isn't in the mood at all even going to be any good? Certainly not for the hurt/angry person, and therefore not for their partner either, if that partner has any understanding of the deeper meaning to sex that I would assume people who hang out on a WTM forum all agree is there. Women *and men* are complicated, multi-dimensional creatures. They will not want sex 24/7, 365 days a year. I doubt many long-time married couples can honestly say they've never had a single dry spell. That is OK. Sex is an important part of a relationship, but, as we on WTM know, it is far from the *most* important. Trust, commitment, communication, and love are. And I think if a wife senses that any of those pieces in a marriage are lacking, she will very likely not want sex with her husband until those issues are resolved. That seems perfectly healthy and normal to me.
  7. Atheist women on here?

  8. Men On Strike

    Men are: 58% of college/university faculty 60% of school board members 66% of judges 80% of film writers, and 85% of film directors 90% of Congress 96% of Fortune 500 CEOs If there is truly a war against men in this country, then it is being waged by other men. But it's an idea I have a rather hard time of buying into at all, given the disproportionate influence men still have on education, law, and culture. Given what I've read of that book's summary, while keeping all these stats in just doesn't seem like there's much of a case to be made for its premise, and it doesn't seem to reflect the lived reality of the men I know IRL either. Sure, male millennials, like female millennials, are delaying marriage and childbearing...but for the men I know it isn't because they feel like marriage and family life are "stacked against them," it's because they are having trouble launching their careers, and haven't met the right person. It has nothing to do with them not wanting to deal with women.
  9. Dating

    I think it really depends on what they mean by "dating multiple people." I've heard lots of people give similar advice, but it's typically only in reference to the first 2-3 dates or so. I think this approach really only makes sense if you're dating people you've never met before, or know very little about (like an OkCupid date, or a classmate you never see outside of lectures). The logic is basically, this way you don't have to pass on other opportunities that may come up because you feel obligated to someone you've only ever met once or twice before. It keeps you from over-investing emotionally in a very casual date with a stranger, where you should feel free to move on immediately if there's something that feels not quite right. I think most people who give the "date multiple people" advice agree that after a month or so of consistently seeing someone, you should either "make it official" and enter the exclusive-relationship stage, or stop stringing each other along and decide it's not meant to be. However, I pretty much agree with all of this. I don't think dating strangers is *wrong* necessarily, but...all of the successful relationships I've seen started off with a strong friendship before anything romantic came up, for all the reasons mentioned above. And I don't think that the kind of casual dating advice mentioned in the OP applies to friendship-based dating, because the existence of the friendship means that once you do decide to start dating, you're really skipping over the a good deal of the "casual" phase. After all, you already know the sort of info about your date that those casual daters are trying to play catch-up on. And the possibility for fall-out in a friendship based relationship is much greater (possibility of ruining the friendship and permanently changing the dynamics of your social group), so it's likely that the two friend-daters have already thought much harder about starting a relationship with each other than the two people who swiped-right on each other at 1am. Sure, maybe in romantic fiction a woman can have two good male friends who don't care that she wavers between the two of them as long as they still have hope of getting picked...but that's not how real life works.
  10. Driving

    Since this thread has been revived I'll post an update: I have my license and have been driving for about a year now! I'm not gonna lie, it was terrifying for the first couple of months. But I found that I was able to build a lot more confidence once I was legally able to drive solo and didn't have to worry about endangering the friends/family members who would be nice enough to ride passenger when I just had a learner's permit. I've even made a couple of 3+ hour trips! Now my boyfriend and I split the driving about 50/50 (though I admit, I still do feel a bit relieved when it's his turn to drive.)
  11. Warning: Phishing site

    It seems so unfair too. I see un-cleaned-up spam in the comment sections of nearly every mainstream website out there, and they don't wind up with phishing warnings attached to them....
  12. Questions for the ladies of WTM

    No, that would not be okay with me. The only exception would be that, once we have kids, then yes, they'll come first for both me and my husband. Since I'm not religious, I would not be able to accept being #2 to a deity I don't believe exists. And, it's one thing for him to have a time-consuming career (like being a doctor), but it's quite another for him to value his career more than he values me, or to make decisions that favor his career over his relationship with me. I don't mind if his career takes him away from me many hours a day, as I'm naturally introverted anyway...but I could not be with someone who truly cared more for his career than for his family. I think sex is important in a marriage, but that doesn't necessitate having a high sex drive. As long as my partner respected sex as an expression of love, doesn't view it as a chore when it does happen, and is attracted to me physically, that's all that matters. And, as others have said, there are other ways of expressing affection. I don't think I could raise my kids in another country, to be honest. It's always been very important to me that my kids have a good, strong relationship with my mother, as she has had health problems throughout her life and I don't know exactly how much time she would have to enjoy them. Living in another country would almost inherently prohibit my kids from being able to have that kind of connection with their grandma. Now...if for some horrible reason she were to die before I got married, then there would be very little tying me to the US, so I would be more open to the idea, as long as it didn't involve living somewhere unsafe.
  13. Warning: Phishing site

    This has been happening to me with my cellphone -- I'm pretty sure it's actually preventing me from being able to log in on my mobile browser.
  14. Random Thoughts

    I finally changed my avatar to something that represents me a little better than a picture of an empty field.
  15. Random Thoughts

    I've done that twice! ...*sob*