Geraldine

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  1. Expectations in marriage

    Thank you very much @Invincible Actually, I discovered her recently, this year, and like you I really enjoyed her mindset and I'm greatly blessed with her posts. I've never watched her videos, so thank you for sharing. I will take time to discover this. And I agree with everything that you said regarding marriage @BlackRose : Unbelievable, but true ! For once I agree 100% with what you said See...miracles happen Thank you for having shared your opinion I definitively agree when you say that you seek to strenghten your relationship with Him before entering a romantic relationship. that's wise to do so. and that's what all christians are supposed to do : to find their contentment in Jesus, first and foremost...and then, when God decides, enter a romantic relationship. That's true that's not a natural and easy thing to do... but it's truly awesome and beautiful once we manage to do that with His help... We can then truly enjoy live to the fullest, no matter what happens
  2. Expectations in marriage

    @PG1 and @K.T. Thank you very much for your comments I'm glad this article has been beneficial for you ^^ To tell the truth, the author of this article is a christian married woman talking to christian single ladies. In order to give them christian advices regarding relationships. Your observations are accurate, because I agree some men have also unrealistic expectations regarding marriage. And they need good advices in this area also... but I'm not sure there are articles regrding men on her blog... If I find any, I will be glad to share with you
  3. Expectations in marriage

    Original article : https://peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com/2013/02/22/expectations-part-3/ Earlier this week, we looked at some common expectations that women often carry into marriage and how they can create resentment in us (here are Part 1 and Part 2). We also looked at reality vs. these expectations. that if I am married, my husband will spend all his free time after work doting on me that I am always right and leave no room for my husband’s perspective at all I should always get MY way if I am married, I will always feel loved by my husband if I am unhappy, my husband is to blame and he must change I am not a big time sinner – I won’t cause my husband any pain/wounds/grief/distress I am better than my husband (spiritually/mentally/morally/emotionally) This is not remotely an exhaustive list! REALITY VS. THE ABOVE EXPECTATIONS Husbands have a lot of things they want and need to do. Not all of it will always involve us. That does not mean they don’t love us! It just means sometimes they need time with their guy friends. Sometimes they need time to chill out. Sometimes they need time to cut the grass. Sometimes they need time to work on their hobbies and passions. Sometimes they need time with just the children without us. It is easy for wives to interpret, “If my husband doesn’t do things with me every possible minute that he is home from work, he doesn’t love me or want me.” This is usually NOT at all true! Allow your man the time he needs to recharge and do things he enjoys – even without you sometimes. That will give him a much greater appreciation for you and he will enjoy the time he spends with you infinitely more than if you are clinging to him and resentful of him spending any time away. A wife who is a bottomless pit of need REPELS her husband far, far away. A wife who is understanding and supportive of her husband’s hobbies and recreation will tend to have a much more loving husband. Be open to your husband’s ideas. They will be different from your own. That does not mean he is wrong. God may well be speaking to you through your husband at times (if he is not asking you to sin or condone sin). Be willing to hear your husband and accept that your husband has a masculine brand of wisdom and a masculine perspective that is very different from yours, but that he has a lot to offer. Expecting to always get your way is one of the fastest ways to misery I know. And trust me – I have been down that road MANY MILES. It does not go anywhere good! Be gracious and selfless and allow your husband to do things the way he likes to as a gift to him. Lay down your own desires at the feet of Jesus and seek His will, His glory and His way, not your own! You will ABSOLUTELY NOT always feel loved by your husband. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, necessarily. But you will not always be able to FEEL/hear/see his love. Our feelings LIE to us at times – when we have PMS, when we are pregnant, when we are exhausted, when we are misinterpreting our husbands’ actions because we think they feel/think/act just like we do… And then, there may be times when your husband truly doesn’t love you. That is entirely possible. He is human, and not perfect. You will hurt him. He will mess up. But that doesn’t mean there is no hope. When your heart is set fully on Jesus, you can ride out those times because you have your identity completely in Christ, and you have your security in Jesus, not a man. You keep obeying God for your part, don’t react in sin, stay close to Jesus. And see what God will do. I am responsible for my own happiness. My husband is not responsible for my emotional and spiritual well-being. He wants to see me happy. He will probably try to do things that make me feel happy. But every time I am unhappy it is not his job to make me be happy. I am an adult. I am responsible for my emotions and my spiritual condition. I look to Christ to find my fulfillment and joy and strength. My husband will add extra things to my life that do make me happy – but my primary source for my wellbeing is Jesus. We are all big time sinners. All of us tend to commit idolatry, be prideful, selfish… the list goes on and on. I WILL sin against my husband. I will hurt him. Probably many times. I have to be able to accept that I am human and understand that I need the blood of Jesus to cover my sin. I need grace to give to myself. And I will need grace from my husband. We are all on level ground at the foot of the cross. We are all equally wretched sinners. None of us are good. Only God is good. My husband may fall for temptations that don’t tempt me. But I have other sin-tendencies that are just as heinous to God’s holiness. My husband is my fellow-traveler on this road of faith in Christ. We are equal in sinfulness and equal in the amount of the grace of Jesus that we desperately need.
  4. Is Virginity Really Attractive?

    Wow @NotTheOne This is really heartbreaking to hear this... Thank you for sharing. First of all, kuddos for having decided to wait till marriage from now on. That's a very courageous and very admirable decision after all the things you went through... Actually, I can understand why you had those experiences with those guys : you were simply looking for love...as everyone upon earth. Unfortunately, you were looking for a valuable thing in the wrong places... But you weren't able to realise it in this season of your life. From the testimony you gave, I can understand that you grew up in a very toxic environment, and you were conditioned in such a way, that you are led to think to be abused by someone is totally acceptable and normal, whereas it is not. That's why you have low self esteem and you accept to be in unhealthy relationship. That's hard to get out of this mindset...but that's not impossible. I'm so grateful to God that you're still alive and you have faith in Him after all the tragic events you went through. The very good thing in your life is that there are plenty of healings available for you in the Word of God. Jesus has the power to heal you totally from all your wounds. The process may not be easy, but results are at the end of it. As @Adam said in another post, you should get out from this absolutely unhealthy and toxic current relationship. This guy doesn't love you and abuses you. Deep down inside you know it, but I guess it's not easy for you to do so. You are in my prayers. You are a precious child of God. You are worthy and valuable. You really deserve so much better. I had shared on this forum some articles regarding abuse. May be those can help you a little. I pray for you. You're not alone in your struggles. Jesus loves you. I put the links of the articles I mentioned, below :
  5. New Members-Girls Only

    I think that the fact you wrote this message here gives you access to the "OnlyGirls" forum... you don't need to do anything more... If I'm wrong, please correct me someone
  6. New Members-Girls Only

    Hola @Couturiere Soy francesa y hablo un poquito español. A mi me gusta mucho esa lengua. He aprendido cuando estaba en la escuela. He aprendido inglés tambien. Como lo ha dicho RegGrapes, tu inglés es perfecto Entendimos lo que intentas decir. I just translate what I just wrote above Hello @Couturiere I'm french and I speak a little spanish. I really like this language. I learned when I was at school. I learned english also. As RedGrapes said it, your english is perfect. We understand what you're trying to say.
  7. Original article : https://peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com/2012/07/01/why-silence-can-be-more-powerful-than-words-with-a-man/ Ladies, As women, we LOVE words. Marriage counselor and author, Bob Grant, likes to say, “Words are for women.” We usually like to emote, talk, share, chat, email, text, talk on the phone and relate. That’s how we “connect” and feel close and loved with each other and with everyone in our lives. The opposite of Bob Grant’s statement is also true – but most of us don’t realize it. Men use words, of course. But words don’t have the same impact, meaning and power over men that they do for women emotionally – usually. If you are ever in doubt about a man’s true feelings, trust his ACTIONS over his words. Ideally, they would both match up. But if they don’t match – his actions will tell you what he really thinks and feels. WHY THE DIFFERENCES? (For those of you who are interested in the anatomical design of male vs. female brains – I’m a pharmacist, I love anatomy – skip it if it’s too clinical!) Well, our brains are constructed completely differently in regards to emotion and language processing. Women have larger emotional centers of the brain and millions more nerve connections between the two halves of the brain. We are wired to talk, to nurture, to love and to connect with words and feelings. God made us this way. It’s a good thing! Women are prepared to use lots of words to teach, praise, encourage, and resolve problems. Men’s brains don’t have as large of a limbic system (the emotional processing center) and they have MANY FEWER connecting neurons between the right and left halves of the brain. They also have a much bigger connection between their emotional processing center and their spinal cord than women do. God did all of these amazing things very purposefully. Men can’t access their emotions as easily as women – that is a GOOD thing at a stressful job or on the battlefield and also when they are leaders of a home and there is a crisis. And when men do have a lot of negative emotions they go more toward the spinal cord and result in physical action instead of words. Men are prepared to fight if necessary and to defend and protect. God’s design is GOOD. THE PROBLEM Today, women often expect men to act like women – our culture has taught us to do this, and we don’t even question it. We expect men to be just like us – to think like us, to process emotions like us, to need to talk about their feelings like we do, to love words and emotional “connection” like we do, to want to sit face to face and talk for hours. We expect them to be like our close girlfriends. Here’s some surprising news! Men aren’t like women. God made us to be very different. It’s good that we are different from each other. But we get ourselves into a lot of trouble when we assume that men think, process and feel like we do and that when they say or do things it would mean the same thing that we would mean if we did that thing. Did that make sense? There are some similarities, of course. But there are many differences – and if we don’t understand those differences, we end up speaking a foreign language to men. We misunderstand them and they misunderstand us. That is frustrating! Our relationships work MUCH better when we understand men, allow them to be masculine and admire them for being masculine. The differences are what make relationships between men and women so magnetic! THE WORD THING What this means for relationships (even with our dads, brothers, male coworkers and friends) is that we need to learn about how men think, how they perceive the world, what they want, what they need, what motivates them and how to communicate with them in ways that are EFFECTIVE with men. That means we may have to get out of our female verbal comfort zone and learn some new ways of communicating that may feel awkward or foreign at first. If you are communicating positive emotions and happy, joyful, respectful thoughts – I doubt you have to use much restraint. But with super negative emotions – the following things may be helpful to increase the effectiveness of our communication) So, when we are communicating with men (especially VERY emotionally charged information), here are some things to keep in mind to make our communication more meaningful and effective: You know I have to say it – be respectful! Men have an understanding that they will speak to each other respectfully. If a guy does NOT speak respectfully – WATCH OUT! It is not going to be pretty! We do not want to signal to a man that we want to fight him. That’s a bad idea! Even when we disagree, we can be polite. Even when we end up not getting what we want – we can refrain from eye-rolling, sighing, pouting, stomping across the floor, slamming doors, yelling, name-calling, cussing, character assassination or any kind of Jerry-Springer-guest activity. This means we must have self-control, poise, grace and dignity. A man respects a woman who can speak respectfully to him and handle herself responsibly and maturely. So if you want to have influence over a man – he has to respect you and the way you present yourself to him. If you act in a way that makes you seem emotional, out-of-control or crazy – he won’t respect you. Then your desires, thoughts and feelings will matter very little to him. That’s how it works in a man’s world. Men only allow those they respect to influence their decisions. Be fairly to the point and give the bottom line – especially if it is a very emotionally charged issue. Men usually don’t want lots of details – unless you are talking about things you respect and admire about them, of course! But details about what is happening in all of your girlfriends’ lives, or every detail of every emotion you are experiencing, or a word-for-word hour-long conversation you had with someone – those kinds of details can seem a bit unnecessary sometimes to guys. Men can sometimes feel inundated with the sheer volume of a woman’s words alone, and if the words are also extremely emotional – it can be way too overwhelming. When men feel overwhelmed in a bad way – they don’t like to stay there. They go where they feel successful, wanted and like winners, not where they feel like they are failures or losers. Watch your body language and tone of voice – men gather a lot of data from non-verbal communication and tone of voice. They will generally pay much more attention to HOW you are saying something than what you are saying. I’m sure women do this, too. But sometimes we don’t step back and think about how we sound and what we look like as we are talking. It’s easy not to notice ourselves having an edgy, angry tone of voice or crossed arms, or other body language that says, “I’m angry. I’m not open to your input. This is a confrontation not a pleasant conversation. I’m right, you’re wrong and you better do what I say – or else.” Guys will generally be able to hear your feelings and needs MUCH better when you use a pleasant tone of voice, when you smile, when you whisper or speak softly and act like you generally enjoy being in their company. Realize that if you are upset with a guy – more words probably won’t help. LESS IS MORE sometimes! This is REALLY important! With other women, we go talk about how we feel. We say what the other girl did to upset us. We go into great detail and exact quotes. She apologizes. We talk about all of our feelings. We apologize, too. We make up. It might take an hour or two, there will probably be crying and hugging and then laughing. But we try to use words to reconcile relationships. Men don’t usually do this! In fact, if we approach a man with a lot of negative emotion to try to reconcile the relationship and “connect” – he may feel attacked if we are using a lot of upset words and tears. The languages a man can best hear when we are upset – are distance or pain (Bob Grant). If he sees we are in pain (and not blaming him), and he is feeling respected – he will probably try to help us and be our hero. If we say fairly calmly and briefly that we are upset about something he did – he’ll probably apologize. But if he doesn’t – we can respectfully move away for awhile and create some distance while he processes his feelings for us and about the situation and decides what he wants to do. If we are being respectful, he’ll most likely start to miss us and feel really guilty about whatever it is he did wrong. Giving him some time to think and some silence allows him to feel the weight of his own sin and also allows him to hear God’s voice better. AND – I really love this part – if we are not sinning in anger against our man, and all he has is his own sin staring him in the face – he is much more likely to repent and change and turn to us and to God. If we blare a bunch of angry, upset words at a man and tear him down and treat him like dirt – he’s going to be thinking about our over-the-top, crazy, out-of-control behavior and how he can get away from THAT! Getting away from us is NOT what we want him thinking about, ladies! We want him to think about wanting to be with us and reconnecting with us. And I know this is incredibly counterintuitive for us – but silence is extremely powerful with men – if we learn how to use it respectfully, and only when necessary. If we are normally very joyful, pleasant, admiring, approving and respectful – a guy will MISS THAT A LOT! He would be willing to do almost anything to have some more of a girl like that back in his life. He doesn’t need a litany of words and accusations. He will respond to a very small tidbit of information – ie: “I’m hurt about X.” “I’m upset about Y.” “I’m angry about Z.” TO THE GUYS WHO READ MY BLOG You are welcome to comment! We would be very interested to hear your take on some of these issues. Thanks for your willingness to give us your valuable masculine perspective! RESOURCES I LOVE Shaunti Feldhahn’s book “For Women Only” (It’s geared more towards wives) or you may also want to check out her book “For Young Women Only.” She uses large surveys of Christian men to find out how real men think and feel and handle situations and she gives women the information in a very understandable format that helps us really get inside the minds of men and have empathy and appreciation for their point of view.
  8. @BlackRose : Totally agree with everything that you said @PG1 : Ok, thank you very much for sharing. I understand.. Regarding me, I read the Bible regularly and it's my daily guide for everything... I try my best to obey God's word with His help (but I fall short sometimes and I'm very grateful for His mercy and forgiveness). Same for me
  9. Still learning

    I understand you Actually, it's quite simple... On your profile page, there is a column at the left side, below the picture with the list of people who visited your page recently. If you want to know more about them, you click on their name and you are on their page.... "Voilà" ! I hope my answer helps a little...
  10. Would you date a guy who's still living at home?

    I totally agree with that statement above. I recently had a conversation with a young girl from Morocco. She told me that the mentality regarding relationships with family are totally different than what we see in Europe. For them, it's perfectly normal to live with parents and siblings at home, even if they have a job already and are able o buy an apartment. They can stay at home as long as they want until the day they marry. And it's not seen as abnormal. I see nothing wrong with dating someone still living at home. As long as this person is willing to be independent and tries his best to improve every area of his life. Of course, it's something else if the person is living at home and does nothing to improve himself and better his situation. That's
  11. @BlackRose and @PG1 Thank you both verymuch for your answers To tell the truth, I have the exact same point of view as you BlackRose...I mean, currently, I don't go to church because I also had bad experiences, similar as yourself, and also as Jonathan explained in the comments of the article. I think that's absolutely awesome indeed ! I believe that it's how God intended things... : that memebers of family can worship Him and pray together , that's really beautiful and I'm in admiration in front of that. I totally understand that ! Welcome to my world ! At the end of the day, what matters most is what God thinks about us, not people. Because we will answer to Him. So... I think that you and your family do the right thing, as long as the purpose is to honor God and follow the principles of the Bible. 100% in agreement with that statement above ! I do think the same. ABSOLUTELY ! Hmm...I think this is very interesting...so you would probably fit in non denominational churches? But I have a question : is the Bible your guide? Anyway, I perfectly understand you and I'm in the exact situation as yourself currently. Actually, my point of view regarding churches has evolved...because I grew up in a baptist church from 8 to 18. nd I'm totally grateful to God for those persons who taught me the faith (the Pastor of the church and his wife). They were indeed truly christians and tried their best to live a holy life. They were an excellent example for me. Then I had to move from where I grew up and seek another church...And that's how I experienced some weird things...thankfully, God has protected me and my faith in Him is absolutely intact.
  12. HI^_^

    Welcome to you
  13. Is God Always Testing Those Who Follow Him?

    Thank you very much Theo I'm grateful for your sincere appreciation the verses you shared are really deep and very edifying. I agree 100% with everything you said
  14. Is God Always Testing Those Who Follow Him?

    Dave, I think your post is really very interesting and I was very touched by it. I totally understand your feelings ... even if I don't agree with everything that you said. And I think this is truly admirable and I encourage you to continue to do so. You will never regret to do something to honor God. Well, I have to confess that I laughed a little while reading this quote above I'm surprised that you think like that... I mean... that's true that God puts to test those who serve Him and try to obey Him, from time to time... But His intentions are always pure and filled with love. He doesn't want to discourage those who follow Him. On the contrary... He really wants to fill His children, followers with Love, joy, peace and all the good stuff that He has in store ! As a father has compassion on his children,so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; Psaume 103v13 But that's true that the ennemy, the devil wants to destroy the faith of all the believers in Jesus. He wants them to stop putting their love and faith in God when times and seasons in life are hard. That's why it's important to decide to stick to Jesus, no matter what happens in life. Just today, I read something, and I think it's an appropriate answer to your interrogations. I quote : "if I do things right – God will “owe me” and I will never have to suffer (I can control God. I can earn His love and a wonderful life by my definition). God values suffering when it is for His glory. God promises that we will suffer in this life. Jesus suffered as an example for us. And God wants to use suffering to make us more like Jesus. My life will have suffering. But God’s promise is that He will be there to empower me to endure and that He will teach me and make me more like Jesus. I will learn the most during my times of suffering if I will listen for God’s voice. " From Peaceful SingleGirl https://peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com/2013/02/21/expectations-part-2/ Unfortunately, I live in the same world as yourself... And I realised many of those awful things happen indeed... This is really heartbreaking and I have no words for that... We live in a sinful world, many have rejected God and His principles and those things you described are the really sad consequences of that unwise rejection. And that's absolutely awesome ! There are women with high standards who want to marry a man like you ! Don't give up your values and standards ...because of what you see.. I can totally understand your feelings of discouragement and disappointment towards this...I confess it happens to me sometimes... But I know that God has nothing to do with that darkness. So, after what I wrote, I think you can guess that my answer to those questions are : absolutely not. I really understand you and want to give you plenty of sincere encouragement... I hope my answers have helped you in some way And I share with you those quote from a christian married woman below and really hope they will help you : "Marriage CAN be very romantic sometimes. But it is not Hollywood. And it can be and will be excruciatingly painful other times. It will not follow a carefully scripted movie plot line. When we expect men to act the way they do in romantic chick-flicks (which are often written by women) – we are buying into a fantasy that completely warps real masculinity. We set up false expectations for our men when we consume these things. If watching romantic movies, reading romantic books and listening to love songs creates discontentment in you – romance may be an idol and it is time to stop watching and listening to these things and time to focus on Jesus and His love. Paul says that those who have married will have much trouble in this life. Marriage does not solve nearly as many problems as it creates! Marriage is a gift and a blessing. God designed it to demonstrate His love and relationship with His people. But in a marriage between two sinners – there is MUCH TROUBLE. Expect that. Be prepared for it. Don’t complain and argue. Be ready to give grace and to roll with reality and be flexible. Your way is not the most important thing. God’s will is the most important thing! The loneliness that happens sometimes in marriage is a loneliness that far exceeds (in my view) the loneliness of being single. There are times that we will be lonely, VERY lonely in our marriages. I believe that is our cue to look to Jesus. Our husbands will fail us. But Jesus never will. When I keep my heart set completely on Jesus alone – I will find the belonging, the security, the peace, the love, the acceptance and companionship I so desperately long for." To read more : https://peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com/2013/02/21/expectations-part-2/
  15. Original article : https://peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com/2013/02/18/expectations/ I LOVE a quote that a reader shared with me last week, “Expectations are premeditated resentment.” I have been hearing from a number of newlywed wives – and the thing that strikes me is the unrealistic expectations these precious sisters of mine have. Reminds me of myself! SOME UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS WE OFTEN HAVE OF MARRIAGE/HUSBANDS/MEN When we get married, things will be exactly the same between us as they were when we were dating, but we will just be together more. If I do everything I am supposed to do,”respect and submit to my man” then he will always love me in the ways I want to be loved. My man will constantly tell me he loves me. My man will think and act and feel just like I do. If he is distant, it means he doesn’t love me, because if I were distant like that, it would mean I didn’t love him. If he is not as verbal and chatty as I am, it means he doesn’t love me. Once we are married, my husband will always want to have sex with me. My man should initiate prayer every day with me. If my man has issues with porn, it means he doesn’t love me. If he withdraws from me, it means he wishes he had never married me. He will be just like his mentor/our friend/my dad LET ME SPELL OUT WHAT IS USUALLY CLOSER TO REALITY Dynamics change A LOT when a couple marries. It is impossible to predict exactly how things will change, but they do change dramatically. Your husband will not always be perfect. He is human. Sometimes he will sin against you. Sometimes you will feel unloved, lonely and ignored. Sometimes even if you do everything right, your marriage won’t be as intimate as you want it to be. God will use these times to make you holy if you turn to Him. This is where you get to learn to give grace, to give mercy, to forgive and to overlook faults and die to self! IT WILL BE EXTREMELY PAINFUL SOMETIMES! Many men are not very verbal. Sometimes once they are married, they quit saying a lot of “I love you”s. This does not mean they don’t love their wives. It usually just means they are showing it with what they do more than what they say. Men often don’t understand how important words are to women and how much women need reassurance of their love. To them, if they married you, it means they REALLY LOVE YOU – and that is a pretty unchanging thing in most men’s minds. I promise your man will NOT think, feel, process, act or talk like you do. He’s a guy! You will need to learn to interpret what he says and learn how vastly different men are from women – or you will be really hurt a lot for no reason. Most men do NOT have evil motives towards us! We can easily deduce that is what must be going on by their behavior at times – but usually it is a misunderstanding about how different men perceive the world and their priorities. I’d recommend reading Shaunti Feldhahn’s For Women Only to learn more than you every could have imagined there was to know about how Christian men think. Men can get distant for many reasons. DO NOT assume he doesn’t love you or doesn’t want you just because he is distant. He may be feeling disrespected. He may be consumed by a problem at work. He may feel inadequate as a provider. He may be overwhelmed with new responsibilities (having a new wife and a baby on the way – for instance) and may be feeling like he is drowning in all that is expected of him and like he is not sure if he can do this. He needs to see your FAITH in him. And he needs you to be a safe place for him to share his heart. Men bond silently a lot of times doing shoulder to shoulder things. Men don’t bond with words. They bond with shared experiences. Spend some time with your man just being with him as he does things he loves to do. Don’t talk. Just enjoy being there and be ready to listen if he wants to talk. Husbands don’t all always want to have sex all the time. There are lots of reasons a husband may not want to have sex: he is exhausted, he is extremely stressed, he is feeling disrespected (that is a huge turn off), he is feeling controlled/smothered by you, he is sick, you are sick, he is hurt, you are hurt (back injury or something), you are being too sexually aggressive towards him (sometimes backing off and waiting to let him pursue you works better), he is depressed about his job situation, he has a lower drive than you do and is ok with having sex just once or twice a week. There are also times that a husband’s desire can be very low due to medical issues, side effects of medications, porn addiction, or infidelity. But the first list of reasons I mentioned are usually the more common ones. When you get married, please understand that you and your husband will NOT always both want sex at the same time. You will experience rejection at times. That does not mean he doesn’t want you, or that he doesn’t love you. Be prepared to be able to handle “no” graciously and take your pain to God and be patient and receptive for the time when he is ready. (PS – men’s testosterone levels are highest in the morning. If you get married and your husband is too tired at night or turns you down a lot at night, try initiating without words in the morning instead.) Most Christian husbands, even pastors, do not initiate prayer with their wives – sometimes EVER. Don’t expect him to suddenly do this when you get married if he wasn’t doing it before. If he is ok with you respectfully asking him to pray with you, awesome. If he is uncomfortable with praying together – pray by yourself or with a godly older mentor. Just because a man doesn’t want to pray out loud does not necessarily mean he is not a good spiritual leader or that he is not a strong believer. Being verbal and vulnerable in prayer out loud is really intimidating for a lot of men. Don’t pressure him! If he is a believer, he will hopefully be praying on his own. But you can’t control or monitor that. Let God handle your husband’s spirituality. MANY MEN – the vast majority of men today (especially under 50) have had some involvement with porn (this tears my heart to shreds!). A man’s addiction to porn actually has nothing to do with his love for his woman/wife. But it is sin, and it is destructive to the relationship. And it easily leads to more sin. For help with a porn addiction, click here. We women are awful at making assumptions about our men’s motives. Unless he tells you he doesn’t love you anymore – and he is still there – assume he DOES love you and that something is bothering him. It might have nothing to do with you. Sometimes guys are depressed. Sometimes they have a bad day. Sometimes they get into a funk. Unless he directly says you have done something, do not assume his withdrawal is about you. You may ask him if you did something that came across disrespectfully. You can ask him politely if he is ok. But if he stays quiet, give him some space. Go do something you enjoy. Pray. Go for a run. Go spend time with girlfriends. Let him have some space. He will probably be better in a few hours or a day or two. If he does want to talk, be all ears. Be willing to listen if he wants you to do something differently. Be cooperative. Let your man be himself. He is not his mentor. He is not his friend. He is not your dad. He will do things his own way, have his own ideas and be his own person. He is also not you. Allow him the grace and freedom to be himself. ACCEPT HIM! Do NOT try to change him! Life will be so much more enjoyable for you both if you can start with this understanding! This is only a SHORT list of possible unrealistic expectations we have of our men. But it gives us a place to start. Let me know if you have any questions, I will do my best to answer. I am not infallible! And I am human! But I will try to explain the whole realm of masculinity and point us to Christ and His Word!