wny

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About wny

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  1. Can't enjoy novels anymore

    I don't think of "YA" as meaning necessarily only for people below a certain age. I think it more implies that the themes won't be overly complex, the prose will be straightforward, ect.... Even people who enjoy dense reading don't necessarily want to read something complex all the time. Both my grandmothers read the "Harry Potter" novels. I think at least one of them reads more complex novels, as well. I even had a college professor who said she read "Harry Potter."
  2. Yeah, I can't see myself arguing with someone over whether they're a virgin or whether what they've done constitutes going too far. If there's a thread asking for thoughts on it I don't really have a problem with sharing thoughts on it. I also will certainly have thoughts on whether or not someone is a virgin or whether they've gone too far even if I wouldn't vocally share it with them. I hope knowing people have their own thoughts on the subject wouldn't stop someone from wanting to wait, though. That is a concerning thought. The notion of upbringing is interesting to think about. I wasn't raised to wait, yet I ended up with pretty strict definitions of what constitutes an act that is too intimate to do before marriage. Someone with my upbringing in all likelihood easily could have come up with different thoughts on it.
  3. I think deciding whether you consider someone a virgin or not is besides the point, honestly. If someone has gone further than I'm comfortable with, it doesn't really matter to me whether they're technically a virgin. One can consider an act incredibly physically intimate even if it technically isn't sex. I don't think it's wrong to come up with a definition of virginity. If you've thought the issue through and came to a logical enough conclusion that someone is or isn't a virgin, that's fine. Their upbringing is irrelevant to that point. I think remembering people have different upbringings speaks more to the point of understanding why someone engaged in activities rather than the point of whether you're okay with it or whether they're a virgin. If keeping this mind can help a waiter accept someone who has engaged in an activity one believes was "too far," then great. If the waiter still wouldn't want to date that person, that's fine too. Getting off topic a bit, of course nonwaiters can be great people. Whether it was their upbringing or whether they simply don't see the value in waiting, they still could have tons of great qualities. Rather than getting mad, I'm mainly just a bit sad for people who don't see the value in waiting. I don't think they're thinking things through correctly, but reasonable minds can disagree.
  4. I don't think there is a universal answer to this. I also don't think it's black and white. To differing extents, some people probably do fall in love with an idea. Some people, to differing extents, probably don't. I think it depends how you look at the concept of dealbreakers. Some might look at having a dealbreaker as falling in love with an idea. These people might argue you're not looking for a person, you're looking for a list of requirements. I think the problem with this is it either puts too much emphasis on chemistry in some instances and in others ignores the fact one created their dealbreakers because, after much thought and introspection, realized that a man or woman without certain traits are simply people they don't have chemistry with. Why date someone who doesn't meet your criteria if you know it won't work out? You know the type you click with and they simply don't meet that criteria. Or, even if there is chemistry, what's the point if you're looking for different things in life or they're not willing or able to provide you with something you need to be happy? But, yes, on the other end of the spectrum it's important not to forget about chemistry just because someone checks all the boxes. Or, maybe something you thought was a dealbreaker isn't actually one. Also, you don't have to stick to your dealbreakers if there comes a time when something that used to be important to you no longer is. You're allowed to change (or not change).
  5. I would try and work through accepting a girl who has the same level of experience as you. Strictly speaking, it sounds like you still have something to save for marriage. I think it's on the level to go for girls with the same level of experience. But, maybe since you have an extensive past, you would be able to accept a girl who has gone all the way. Now, if you want a girl who is close to totally inexperienced, that's probably a bit more thorny. Like you said, you're experienced. It's pretty tough to demand she have no past when you have one. Is it strictly speaking hypocritical? I'm not sure. It's not as though you're saying it is okay for you to have premarital sex but not okay for others to. People bring different things into a relationship, so I'm not sure if it's wrong to want her to bring something into the relationship you don't have (sexual inexperience) since it's likely you'll be bringing something into the relationship she doesn't have. Would it be hypocritical to want a partner who has a good sense of humor if you don't have one? Maybe some would argue it is. I won't say a non-virgin demanding a virgin isn't a bit unsettling. It probably is. Maybe try and think through why you want a virgin/sexually inexperienced girl. If it's that you want the experience to be new for the both of you, that's largely went out the window already since you have a past. Dictionary definition sex could be new for both of you, but how significant is that when everything else has already been done? Is it insecurity? That's something lots of people, including non-waiters, are able to work through. I don't think spouses feel unhappy with their husband/wife because they're thinking, "Darn, I should have married that other person I slept with."
  6. Can't enjoy novels anymore

    Maybe try and find a book that doesn't really have romance as a major aspect of it. I'm more of a nonfiction reader, so I'm not the best authority, but I figure there are books that don't have romance as a main part of the story. I agree it can be frustrating to live in a non -waiting world. My main frustration is with how difficult it is to meet compatible women to date, but it's not just that. It would feel nice if I didn't feel like such a tiny minority in this respect. I feel alienated from people in part because of my waiting. Contemporary dating culture seems so foreign to me even though I live in the middle of it.
  7. No, I never would maybe unless I had kids of my own for some reason or I was a widower and her kids were grown or something like that. Firstly, I think I lean more toward not wanting kids of my own even (though I'm undecided on this). If I did have kids, I would want the more traditional setup where we're married and have children who are biologically both ours. And this is not even considering the fact I would only marry a virgin.
  8. 'Woman' vs 'Girl'

    To me, it's like this. The female version of "men" is "women." The female version of "boys" is "girls." The female version of "guys" is....? I think it used to be "gals," but that word is no longer commonly in use. So, I will use "girls" more or less in the way I would use "guys."
  9. Personally, I wouldn't be okay with it. Obviously I can't force her to get rid of things, but she would have to choose between me or the items.
  10. No longer fun..... (?)

    I think there comes a point where you have mostly said all you have to say on the issue of waiting until marriage. I know other issues are discussed here, but talking about waiting is my main interest in the forums. I still pop into chat here and there, but I rarely post since I don't feel the need to rehash my views further on here. If any of the new members know about a magical place where you can meet virgins to marry, I'm all ears, though, haha.
  11. In the case of a fight where there is real anger on one or both sides, I would definitely say it makes sense not to be in the mood for sex. I think this would be true for a lot of men and women. I think I generally wouldn't be in the mood for sex with my wife during a time like this. I'll ask my friends (they're all guys) to see if I'm an outlier on this. If it's more just a disagreement and stressful time, I'm sympathetic to the view of the partner wanting sex. Yes, stress (whether it's from work, family, friends, whatever) can lower libido. I don't think anyone should feel like they have to be up for sex 24/7 to be a good spouse. But, I don't think it's good to refuse your spouse for an extended period of time if it isn't a fight and is more of just a stressful time and/or disagreement. It's not good for either partner involved. In healthy marriages, both partners should want sex. I don't think it's good to shut down (sexually or emotionally) whenever things aren't going 100% smoothly and especially if your partner isn't really doing anything wrong. At the same time, it's tough since I really don't like the thought of someone having sex during a time they absolutely don't want to. The specifics of a situation likely matter, but I'm inclined to say a partner whose libido ceases (or he/she thinks ceases) entirely during just a tough time needs to work on fixing that. Whether or not that's applicable in this exact situation, I can't say for certain without knowing exact details.
  12. The waters seem muddied to me in this thread. Could I have clarification? Were they in the middle of a fight where they were angry at one another and the wife wasn't interested in sex because she isn't turned on when she's currently angry at someone and/or he's angry at her? Or was she actively using sex as a weapon to get her way? Or, were they not in so much a fight, but rather just going through a stressful time deciding what to do?
  13. My answer might be a bit different than others since I don't particularly want kids. I don't really care what her career is (besides not wanting her to be a stripper or something, obviously) so long as it isn't interrupting with other aspects of life important to her, myself, or both of us. If she's able to balance a full time job with everything else, great. If she's not, then I would rather she work part time. I would definitely want her to work at least part time, though. Her not working at all would annoy me. Now, let's say hypothetically we do have kids. Hopefully it wouldn't be until my salary is high. I don't mean rich, but high enough to have a reasonably nice life. In that case, I would probably have a preference for a stay-at-home mother. I'm not really the childcaring type, so I kind of would need her to be heavily invested in childcaring (I'm by no means saying I would ignore the kids, but there are certain things just not for me). Of course, this is contingent on her being the type of woman who wants to stay at home. Many women wouldn't enjoy that. And there are benefits to having both parents working.
  14. Whenever we show concern over waiting nowadays, it almost always comes from the angle of, "Oh, people are just so promiscuous now that it makes it impossible to meet someone to date." While there is truth to this, I think we neglect the economic angle. One of the reasons waiting and finding a fellow writer is so tough nowadays is because it's unrealistic for most people to marry young. Careers take longer than ever to launch. On top of that, you have no idea where you might have to move to find a job. Where you live at 19 could be different than where you live at 22 which is different than where you might live at 28. It often doesn't make sense to date someone when you know there is a good chance the both of you will have to move different places for work. On top of that, students nowadays tend to have so much more to do than students in the past that they just don't have time for serious, long term relationships. What does all this lead to? Well, it leads to short term relationships or the aforementioned promiscuity. The sad truth is the vast majority of people will not wait until their late 20s or early 30s to have sex. Instead of just moping, I'm wondering what solutions to this there could be. While this might not be helpful for women, I do wonder if men (particularly ones who will only marry a virgin) are best served trying to date younger women who aren't particularly ambitious in regards to a career. In the early stages of your career or perhaps toward the end of college, maybe try and date a girl who would be willing to move wherever you find work and who might just work part time here and there to help you guys get by. I know it's theoretically possible to meet someone your own age who has also waited for years and years and has now established his or herself where you have established yourself, but it just sounds downright unlikely. Anyone have any ideas?
  15. To the non virgin girls

    To be clear, her never having been in a relationship ship isn't a requirement. It's a strong preference and honestly could one day become a requirement. That being said, I don't think I would marry someone who had ever had a long term relationship before. As of right now I think a girl who had a short term relationship is something I could be okay with, though I wouldn't be completely happy about the situation.