Invincible

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Everything posted by Invincible

  1. I'm going to sound like a traditionalist a lot in this reply. I think this trend of delaying marriage for the sake of career growth is part of the attempt to break down the family unit. Society doesn't value marriage like it used to. Instead of it being seen as this great thing that can enrich your life, it is seen by many as a hindrance to your life if not an outright prison. This type of mindset seems to be primarily a Western World phenomenon and not really in anywhere else in the world. We have become so hyper-individualistic in our values that career and the success that comes with it is seen as the ultimate goal in life. The rationale behind career first, marriage later is that one must have all their ducks in a row financially before starting a family. Of course it is good to think about having the ability to provide for a family. But one doesn't have to delay 5 or 10 years to reach Senior Manager position before you get married. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership. If two people can at least afford an apartment together then you're pretty much set to get married. Having a partner early in life can help take the financial burden of rent and other expenses off one person when both people are working before they decide to have kids. Plus I know many couples in our parents' generation whom were brought closer together during those early years of building a life together. Today's norm of delaying marriage seems like it is a novel idea that is foreign to the rest of history. To go along with the previous point, this hyper-individualism mentality also encourages people in their younger years to "find themselves." This is often a euphemism for partying, sleeping around and generally living a purely selfish lifestyle. The idea is marriage constricts personal freedom and therefore we are encouraged to spend our youth going crazy and put off marriage later. To me, this is so backwards. If someone desires to be married someday, then we ought to spend our years before in preparation for it. Part of it is learning how to be selfless not selfish. You cannot be completely selfish and expect your marriage to succeed. Wasting your youth feeding into a selfish lifestyle will make you less ready to marry, not more. I don't want to marry someone like that. It is discouraging enough that waiting is so rarely valued as it is without the added pressure of delaying marriage for careers.
  2. Why is virginity so important to you?

    I don't necessarily think you not wanting to be with a non-virgin has anything to do with forgiveness, but rather whether or not you are personally okay with dealing with potential consequences as a result of her not being a virgin. My views on this subject have changed dramatically in that I realize now more than ever that actions have consequences. So virginity is a bigger deal to me now than it was in the past. I would say continue to be open for God to change your heart. If He wants you to have a non-virgin for a wife, then have faith that He will give you the strength to work through that issue. But if not, then I don't think it's wrong to only want a virgin. I'm trying to do the same in my own life. I would hate to pass up on an amazing godly girl who happens to not be a virgin. I wish all young people could read this and take it seriously. Unless a person makes some serious amends to turn their lives around, wasting their youth sleeping around is not going to make them family material.
  3. I totally relate to this feeling so much. I'm approaching my mid-30's next year and it feels like I'm running out of time. As someone who wants kids, I don't have the luxury that young married couples have in waiting a few years before having them. If I do marry, I would have not choice but to have kids right off the bat. That means won't be much sex at all. While my future wife is pregnant and after giving birth, I wouldn't dream of burdening her with sex while she's recovering. When kids enter the picture, the less sex happens. I know life isn't fair, but I can't help but feel short-changed for exactly the reason you said. Many people typically enjoy casual sex in their youth for many years before they marry. For all I know my future wife may have experienced lots of sex before meeting me. Then there's me who chooses to resist my urges for many years and doing things the "right way," yet I will likely not get the chance to have much sex at all. Don't get me wrong, ultimately I'm waiting because it's the right thing to do. But some days I feel like what's the point in suffering in the wait when the pay off is so low? Everyone else (possibly including our future spouses) get all the fun when they're young, while we get the morsels. But on a more positive note, congrats on finding the one. I know the wait must have been really tough for you. But I sincerely hope you will be greatly rewarded for your patience.
  4. This is inspired by Mike's "What's your worst experience with sexism?" Personally, I have never experienced any racism in my life at least that I know of. No one has ever been openly hostile towards me for my race, though I have been met with some instances of ignorance before: 1. Once in high school, this guy walked up to me and asked, "Vince, are you Chinese or are you Asian?" After my epic facepalm, I responded with, "Are you stupid or are you dumb?" 2. Yet another time in high school, someone asked me to say "hello" in my native language. I responded by saying, "hello." He laughed then became serious, "No seriously, say it in your native language." Another epic facepalm. It's pretty obvious that many people have this idea that Asians are all foreigners who have not successfully assimilated into American culture. Nine times out of ten, when people find out I'm Chinese, they ask me if I can speak the language. No one ever asks a white person if they speak German/French/Italian or a black person if they speak Kenyan or like a gangbanger (calm down everyone. It was a joke. Those who like my humor, go ahead and throw your heads back and laugh. Those of you who don't, just keep reading. I am not racist. I try to hate everyone equally, but it fluctuates depending on the day and the race of the person who cut me off while driving. It doesn't matter if you're white, black, Puerto Rican or vegetarian. I will hate you equally if you cut me off in the road. Well, if you're Asian I might especially hate you since we're stereotypically bad drivers. So for the good of public safety and our children, we shouldn't be allowed to drive by law.) Moral of the story: Don't be racist. Either love everyone equally or hate everyone equally. To do anything else would be just plain mean
  5. If you need me to explain this one, then you need to go back to kindergarten and learn how to read again. My favorite thing about girls is that they are easier to open up to. As guys, we have an unspoken rule never to show emotion around each other. But girls are more relational and are more understanding in that regard. I feel more comfortable being sensitive around girls so when I'm talking about matters of the heart, it's usually with a girl. That is something that I've always appreciated about girls. My least favorite thing about girls is how ridiculously irrational they can be sometimes. Particularly in the issue of them saying they want a nice guy but then go for the jerk. Then they stay with the jerk despite how badly he treats her out of the hope she will change him and because he's exciting!!!!! But logically, wouldn't you want to be with someone you didn't want to change in the first place? But that's a whole another topic and it's been beating dead horses to death already so I'l just leave it at that.
  6. Imagine what you would look like if you were the opposite sex (if that's possible), then combine that with your actual personality, beliefs, interests, values etc. and tell me if you would date that person. Personally, I not sure I would. I think I would want to be with someone who was a little more active so she could encourage me to not be so much of a homebody. I would like similar interests, but I'd also would like for her to have some of her own so that we can both open up a whole new world to each other.
  7. Been so lonely as of late.

    I'm sorry dealing with all that. I can relate to feeling like most people around me are too preoccupied with other things. Why are you stuck in Canada in the first place?
  8. Welcome to the forums, Jojo. First off, it absolutely is worth it to wait and it is very possible to find the good kind of man you are looking for. You should never lose hope of that. Whatever negative experiences your friends and family had probably says more about themselves than anything else. They purposefully chose to settle in bad relationships and to hook up frivolously. Just because it's the popular thing to do doesn't mean everyone in the world is doing it. There are lots of people out there like us who value waiting and meaningful relationships. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Stay true to your values, don't give into peer pressure and you will attract the right guy.
  9. Why do guys do this?...

    That is really strange behavior. I honestly have never seen that happen before. It could be a local thing in your country. My best guess is that maybe some guys do that as kind of like an ego boost. So when they see another pretty girl, he tries to make himself look more desirable to you because he has the affection of his girlfriend already. But that's just a guess. I also think that kind of behavior is pretty bizarre. I would just not worry about those guys. They are just weird.
  10. I am 100% Chinese, though I was born in the US and am culturally American.
  11. Interesting question. I've never been in a relationship before and therefore never went through a breakup. As such, I have never experienced the pain of a breakup and the negative emotions associated with another person as a result of said breakup. That being said, I am good friends with a girl who looks quite a bit like a girl I had a huge crush on back in high school. I would say I have some negative feelings about that because she was a girl I was friends with until I told her I liked her. She then proceeded to avoid me and eventually cut me off of my life. Even so, I don't get reminded of those bad experiences whenever I see my doppleganger friend. They are both very different people so that helps. But again, it wasn't a breakup so it's not a fair comparison. Personally, I would give this girl a chance. I realize I may be coming from a naive perspective since I've never had a breakup, but I say why not? If this is a girl you are attracted to and has great qualities, I think she is worth going on a few dates. Like you said, it's not fair to pre-judge before they had a chance to show you the kind of person she is. A couple dates isn't really going to hurt you, right? I do think it's important to go into it with a healthy level of being on guard. Definitely do not invest yourself emotionally too quickly, but I would say that no matter who the girl is. Also think of it this way. If you end up having a good connection with this girl, it could "redeem" your ex's image in your mind with positive feelings. This new girl could be an amazing, caring girl that could help you heal from the past. Plus, if your ex hurt you pretty badly, then that isn't a high bar for this new girl to meet. So the odds are good, I think. I hope that helps.
  12. Never Met a Christian Man!

    That is just post-modernist drivel. This kind of nonsense is a byproduct of the emerging church movement. They are more concerned with conforming with the times and not offending than teaching God's Word. It's the idea that truth is relative and is determined by personal feelings rather than sound doctrine. They might as well just throw the Bible out the window and just make up their own faith. God's truth doesn't care about our feelings. It's true whether we like it or not. Guys like this are not pastors, but rather entertainers. They just tell the audience what they want to hear rather than what they need to hear. At that point, they might as well stop calling themselves a church.
  13. As someone who has struggled with porn in the past, I strongly suggest you leave this guy. Because to a porn addict, neither you or any other woman will ever be enough for him. Porn is an insidious and degenerate behavior that trains the brain to be addicted to the visual stimuli on the screen. The more porn he consumes, the more extreme the content he will seek out down the road because the old stuff won't do it for him anymore. Do not buy into the nonsense that porn is just "what guys do." It's a perversion that makes it extremely difficult if not impossible for consumers to have normal, healthy relationships. You are right to be upset because he is looking at other girls to satisfy his lust rather than pursuing an exclusive, committed relationship with you. It doesn't matter how compatible you two are otherwise. This issue will hurt you even more if you get involved with him. Look for a guy who is already waiting till marriage on his own and who doesn't look at porn. They are out there. Do not settle for anything less than that.
  14. Mark's back! We missed you and your slightly disturbing love affair with Disney. lol. Good to hear you're doing well. I will be following you on those links you provided. I'm pretty good. I finished school and now looking for a job. Still waiting (and a virgin) though hopefully I won't have to wait much longer
  15. From personal experience, whenever I idealize a girl, I always end up disappointed. But whenever I meet a girl and have no expectations, I usually end up pleasantly surprised. I don't think this is necessarily a cynical view to have. I just acknowledge that people aren't perfect and have flaws. I wouldn't want anyone to idealize me because as they say the man is no match for the legend. lol. Even the most loving, attentive and affectionate person will let you down at some point. You cannot expect people to fulfill needs that only God can.
  16. This is actually one of my biggest pet peeves. If I look back at all the many interactions I've had in my life, I've come to the unfortunate conclusion that this is a disturbingly common problem in this world. Now it is possible that some people do have social anxiety and just ramble about themselves as a coping mechanism. However, I think most people who do this are just socially retarded. I don't mean that as an insult to mentally retarded people, I just mean that people are very stunted in their ability to have balanced conversations. We live in a world that is becoming increasingly self-centered. We tell young people to do what makes them happy and that they are special and all this other trite nonsense. You at people's social media and what do you see? It's just a narcissistic highlight reel where people show off new cars, houses or vacations. That or they are posting 15 pics of the same selfie from different angles while they are making those ridiculous duck faces. They think they look hot but in reality they just look like complete fools. I say to these people, sorry but you're not really that special nor does the whole world revolve around you. We've lost the art of having real and meaningful relationships with people. My advice in situations like these is to wish this girl well and then move on. People who aren't showing interest in you or putting effort are selfish and not worth the effort. You said it yourself that it makes you less interested in her and I don't blame you one bit. Look for the girl who shows just as much interest in getting to know you and you for her.
  17. Okay so here are my more in depth thoughts: First I'm a bit confused about some conflicting things you said. You say she is good looking but then you say don't like her eyes, chin etc. From what I understand, it sounds like you are saying she is good looking, but not good looking enough for you to date, at least at the time. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. First off, let me just say that physical attraction is important and never should be overlooked. You SHOULD be attracted to your wife. At the same time, it's also important to have realistic expectations. I don't think we should only look for 10s or 9s unless you are one yourself. But even then, I think it's a mistake to pass someone over whom you are attracted to but are nit picking at little imperfections they may have. I think sometimes it's difficult having a balance between having realistic expectations and not settling. These days many of us are obsessed with "trading up" or as you say feeling like you could do better. Many people jump around from one relationship to the next hoping to find the next best thing. But very few seem to want to stay and work to make what they already do have into something better. I think that if you can find someone who has the same values as you and whom you are attracted to enough, then I don't think that is settling and can have a great and fulfilling marriage with. On the shyness issue, I can understand how that could be a turn off, especially if it was really as severe as you suggested. Although I personally would have made a little bit more of an effort to try to pursue her in hopes she will break out of her shell. I don't think going on a date or two would have been a huge investment. You might have ended up warming up to her. But that's not how things turned out and what is done is done. As it so happens, I had to let go of an amazing girl I once had an amazing connection with because I was couldn't be the man she deserved at the time. I had a lot of personal problems that I needed to work on before I could be the best man I could be for her. There were days I wonder what might have been if things were different. But I just remind myself that it had to go down that way for her sake.
  18. Just curious, did this girl have any good qualities that made you on the fence as to whether you should pursue her or not?
  19. Star Wars: The Last Jedi. That movie was absolute garbage. I felt insulted not just as a long time Star Wars fan, but as a movie goer in general.
  20. A woman's voice

    I like soft-spoken voice on the lower end the spectrum. I find soft-spoken female voices to be very soothing and feminine. What can I say? I love my women quiet
  21. I am new here from Ghana

    @Comfort, welcome to the forums
  22. I'm not married (yet) so I can only give my input from the perspective of marrying a divorcee/widow. I know this sounds harsh, but in almost every conceivable instance, I will not marry a divorcee. I say "almost" because I am open to the tiny chance of an extraordinary situation that may make me reconsider. More importantly, the only reason for the divorce I could accept in this extraordinary situation is if the woman was cheated on and she did not have kids. Even then, I would have to judge on a case by case basis. Because when it comes to the end of a marriage, whether divorce or death, always come with much more profound emotional baggage than a relationship breakup. In the case of divorce, it is pretty common for people to have a suspicious view of the opposite sex. While I can sympathize and understand having that view, I am not keen on having to climb mountains just to prove my innocence for something that I wasn't my fault. Now in regards to the virginity issue, my fear is that she will have negative associations to sex due to her ex-husband. Which could lead to not want to engage because it brings back bad memories. On the other hand, I am much more open to being with a widow. Because it is more likely to have had a positive feelings associated with marriage, but was cut short due to an untimely death. Though it still has it's unique challenges. As weird as it may sound, the positive associations are also a big fear of mine. When a spouse dies, it is common for the living to immortalize him or her. At times, I would feel inadequate because I would feel like I'm competing with a dead man and I would never live up to the standard he set when he left this world. When it comes to sex, I can see how those positive feelings could be even more consequential than if she had premarital sex. I know this sounds strange, but here's my line of thinking: because she was blissfully married to her late husband, the sex was an even more powerful experience because it has the foundation of marital love. So that intense bond may be etched into her mind much more strongly. Therefore, she is much more likely to compare her next husband to an astronomically high standard that was set to by her late husband. This is bound to cause a lot of intimacy issues because I heard of many widows who struggle with guilt during sex because they feel like they are cheating on their late spouses (even though they are not). This means that her mind and heart is with the late husband and not with the current husband during sex. That would be extremely hurtful for all parties involved. I know this all sounds pessimistic, but it's how I really feel. I would never hold them not being a virgin against them because they lost it the right way. But that also doesn't mean that the consequences of being a non-virgin are still there and are very real. I know the answer is clear for most people, but there are times I wonder which is potentially potentially worse: The baggage of premarital sex or baggage of marital sex built on pure marital love.
  23. I was thinking about the time my cousin proposed to his then-girlfriend at the time at a family gathering and he got all choked up and shed a few tears. It was a touching moment for sure and I can just picture a lot of ladies going "awww, so cute!" But I know some women who would be uncomfortable seeing a man cry for any reason mostly because they wouldn't know what to do. What do you think?
  24. I think most of us have an ideal period of time where we hope to enjoy at least a couple years child-free in the beginning of a marriage. For those who marry young, say in their early 20's, could afford to wait almost a decade and still be within a good timeframe to have children. But for those of us in our 30's or older and still unmarried, we don't have that luxury. Lately I've been feeling like I have to give up on a dream of having any meaningful amount of time to spend just between myself and my future wife. I'm almost 33 and still no relationship and therefore nowhere near married. Even if I were to start dating a girl today, it would probably last at least 6 months to a year before we get engaged. So by the latest, I'd be 34 by the time of engagement. Then by the time I get married, I would likely be close to 35 and that's best case scenario. In all likelihood, it will take me a while to even find a relationship and by extension I'd be older than 35 by the time I marry. Even by today's standards, that's still pretty late to enter marriage. I won't have much choice to have children really early on because I'd like to have more than one child. I also don't want to be too old by the time they all reach adulthood and independence. Yet at the same time, I won't likely be able to enjoy much of a sex life because I'll have to jump into parenthood right from the get go. Being a parent tends to put a huge damper on a couple's sex life. So sex will be a rare occurrence, like once a decade rare. That's just the way it is. Sex is something I can foresee to be a really big need of my in a marriage and I would need it often. But I also don't want to put undue pressure on my future wife for sex since she will likely be exhausted a lot from taking care of our children all day. As much as I would want sex, I would rather she have it with me because she joyfully wants it, not because she begrudgingly goes along as a chore. Now to be clear, I don't feel like I "deserve" a long and great sex life simply because I am waiting longer than the average person. I'm simply disappointed that I waited so long yet the wait would likely be anti-climatic in terms of the fruits of the wait. I'm not even sure why I'm even posting this thread. I feel like I'm just complaining about apocalyptic worst-case scenarios that haven't actually happened yet. I mean, I get it. Life isn't fair and people will probably tell me to get over it and I probably should. I'm just saying this is something that has been really bothers me and I'm just putting my thoughts out there. It makes me envious of those who found the right one and married at a young age. They have the advantage of having all the time in the world to exclusively enjoy time just the two of them and also enjoy a long and satisfying sex life. I guess I just wanted to see if anyone else can relate to these thoughts.
  25. I agree with Peter. Since this clearly is a very important issue for you, and that's not a bad thing, it is best to simply express this is bothering you to her. It is better to do it sooner than later. Because the longer you wait, the more emotionally invested you will get and it will make things must harder later down the line. Trust me, I made that mistake once and I regretted it. I know you are not looking forward to having that conversation because you are afraid of what she might say. But it's important that you don't go in it in an accusatory way. Just say that you are bothered by her sexual past and having a tough time dealing with it. How she responds to that will tell you everything you need to know. If she gets offended. makes excuses or say it's not a big deal, then you have your answer. She clearly isn't the one for you because she doesn't see eye to eye on something that is very important to you. It doesn't matter that you guys get along in other ways. I was in sort of a similar situation once. I was talking to this girl about a year ago and we seemed to really hit it off. But everything went down south when she turned out to be a bit of a raging feminazi. Then we got into a really heated theological argument. Needless to say, she wasn't the one for me and I never looked back. But if she is genuinely remorseful and really does wish she could take it all back, then I would say give her a chance. Yes it can still hurt and may take time to get over. But I think it would be a mistake to pass up a girl who is truly sorry and wants to have something special with you.