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About Invincible

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    Saint Vincent

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    Portland, OR
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    Video games, shooting guns, computers, technology, eating good food, watching movies.

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  1. Yes, in fact I was planning on moving out of my state anyways. I'm so sick of the rain and the general culture here. Not to mention my state has the lowest percentage of church goers in the country. Now church attendance or lack thereof doesn't automatically determine one's spiritual beliefs, but it is a good general indication. I have been to the South and I quite like it there. So yeah, I might just do that. lol
  2. My fiance was raped

    I'm sorry about what happened to your fiance. A horrible crime was committed against him and I hope he has found a lot of healing since then. I have had similar feelings regarding waiting. There are brief moments in time where I hoped God would reward me with another virgin for waiting so long. I would feel shortchanged somehow if I didn't end up with a virgin. The hardest thing for me was fear of comparison of past sexual partners and how her mind would wander off to them when we are intimate. The thought that someone else could satisfy her better than I could would devastate me. So I do have at least some idea of what you are feeling. Something happened to me yesterday about this issue that may also help you too. I was talking to someone about my fears of being with a non-virgin. She then told me how she was married previously to an abusive man whom lost her virginity to after marriage. She finally left him and remarried to a good man. Before she found her now husband, she was worried no one would want her because she wasn't a virgin anymore. She assured me that she doesn't think of her ex-husband at all, so there is no comparison in her mind. It did make me feel better knowing that. Your fiance likely wants to forget the trauma he experienced too. All he wants is to have a fresh start with wanting to build a new and wonderful life with you and leave the past behind. That is a beautiful thing. Remind yourself of why you love him in the first place and the fact that he loves you. Take comfort in that. I hope that helps.
  3. I think God intended for people to marry and have kids young. Even for those who don't believe in God can't deny this fact given the evidence of women's fertility going downhill in her 30's. I find it troubling how Western society are delaying marriage and children later in life in favor of careers and material things. I hear so many women in their 40's or older regret not having children when they were younger because they've been brainwashed to think her worth is based solely on a career. Some may truly value a career and never want kids but not many. I believe deep down most women really do want to get married and have kids. I think you are wise to realize this at a young age and pursue after that. Yeah, the spontaneous sex is likely to be rare if at all present after the kids are born. As unromantic as it seems, you pretty much have to plan sex into the busy schedules. I think that unless I'm sick or just dead exhausted, most guys are generally always up for sex even if we aren't particularly in the mood for it. Which for me personally is extremely rare that I'm not in the mood To me, sex is kind of like a delicious snack. Even when I'm not particularly hungry, I can still eat it and enjoy it. lol. As I'm sure you've noticed, I have a very hyperbolic and overly dramatic sense of humor Yeah I am not sure what I think on the issue of masturbation. But I have heard of stories where there were serious intimacy problems even between two virgins who waited. It's because usually the woman feels a sense of guilt or "filthiness" about her because she was taught to repress her sexuality. This is where I think the church gets wrong. They conflate normal healthy sexual desire as the same thing as lust. In reality those two are very different things. It's normal and good to have a healthy amount of sexual desire. That should not be shamed at all. See, the part of your statement that I put in bold is one of the things I wish more women understood. Your future husband is going to be real blessed knowing you will want to please him. Now to be 100% clear, I do not under any circumstances, believe either person should be coerced through guilt or physical force into doing anything without consent. That being said, I do not believe "not feeling like it" in and of itself when it's not out of sickness or extreme exhaustion is a good enough reason not to have sex. This is especially true for us Christians because the Bible tells us not to deprive each other sexually except in a time of mutual consent and prayer and that time of abstaining must be short. Could you imagine if a woman was emotionally distraught and needed support from her husband but he denied her because he didn't feel like it? That would also be horrible. Part of truly loving someone is tending to their needs even in times when it's not easy. That goes both ways. And yes I do agree it would be a huge concern to find out your man has a much lower libido than you. It would make me question if he is really a man at all I absolutely 100% agree. I want to find someone who isn't afraid of talking about sex candidly with excitement. It really surprises me how so many embarrassed to talk about sex even when they've been together for so long. Maybe I'm just weird but I have no problem being open and explicit about it. Sex is a fascinating subject. Why wouldn't we want to talk about it Thanks for your encouragement. I pray the same kind of guy is out there waiting for you too Yes I do intend to adopt at least one child. That's something I always wanted to do. But I also would like to have my own biological children too.
  4. Yeah, I think this is just one more reason for me to quit eating junk and eat more fruits and veggies. I think part of this fear come from my having a genetic disorder which people like me tend to have a slightly shorter life span than normal people. It's not a guaranteed thing, but still something to consider. I guess nothing in life is for certain. I could outlive some health nut because they get hit by a car a few years down the road. Kind of morbid but the point is, life throws curve balls sometimes. So it's probably best to live one day at a time anyways. Well, personally I'm looking for a traditional kind of marriage where I have a career while she stays at home with the kids. The thing is, I know I will always be thinking about the state of the marriage. I'm just not so sure if she would. Your second statement above is exactly why I brought this point up. I hear stories about how it's very common for mothers to unintentionally make their kids their sole purpose in life and neglect their husbands. That is more real to me especially since my mom was kind of like that with my sister and I growing up. To me this is really backwards. I strongly believe that a marriage should come first even before kids. That's not to say we should neglect kids. But your spouse is your partner for life. One day your kids will leave the nest and have their own families, but your spouse will still be there till death. When a marriage is bad, the kids suffer. But when a marriage is strong, the kids will benefit because both parents are living harmoniously. I personally am willing to do what it takes to set aside at least some time for just the two of us. I just need to make sure I meet a girl who is determined to do the same. Wow, that really sucks, dude. I can see why you're no longer with her. She clearly did not care about you the same way you cared about her. You're honestly too good for her. I would never marry someone who wasn't joyfully putting 100% of herself along side with me. A marriage can't work otherwise. I totally hear you when you say the mental aspect is important. If she saw it as a chore, I almost rather not have sex at all. I care about her being happy and enjoying herself and without that, I would imagine it would feel hallow. Yeah, I think on most days, I would be content with just cuddling and appreciating the fact that I finally found a wonderful woman to spend the rest of my life with. Since I am pretty picky, I intend to be as keenly aware of the vibes I get from a girl I am considering marrying. I could not marry a woman with little to no sex drive or any passion at all. I need to know beforehand that she is fully committed to fighting for the marriage through good times and bad. People these days are so selfish, which tends to be the cause of most divorces. Finding people who take marriage seriously is like finding a needle in a haystack. And yes, I would totally clone such a woman for the good of humanity. lol. You know what? I personally am so glad prostitution is not easily accessible around here. If we set aside morality for a moment, I would say I would be greatly tempted to let my curiosity get the better of me and end up trying it out of a moment of weakness. It might feel good in the moment, but ultimately I would feel empty and disgusted with myself afterwards. Besides, there is just something very pathetic about paying someone for sex. It feels like it's mostly for guys who are too socially inept or too unattractive to attract a woman to get sex through a real relationship/marriage. I do not want to be lumped up with those kind of guys. I want to earn her love and have her want to spend the rest of her life with me because of who I am. But anyways, it feels wrong to compare a wife to a prostitute. But if you're talking purely based on mindset, I kind of agree only so far as both mindsets are based on obligation and not because they want to. Well, personally I try not to feel like I am entitled to things because at the end of the day, I don't believe this world owes any of us a thing. But I get what you're saying. There are days where I let my selfish side get the better of me and feel I deserve a good and plentiful sex life for waiting so long. But in the end, I just want to be the best husband/father regardless if I get anything in return. Of course that would breed resentment if I didn't get anything in return, but I think real love really is just loving another person without expectation of receiving anything back. Yet I sincerely hope to God that she will be one who fully understands and is sensitive to my need for sex and that she will see it as a gift to share together often. As I said before, ideally both people will put 100% into meeting the others' needs to the best of their ability. Yeah I can only hope for such a woman. But then again, unicorns aren't known to be common. With age, it feels like all the good ones have already married off long ago. So the possibility of finding a unicorn seems really bleak at times. I think it's safe to say though, if I ever find here, I will likely never take her for granted. I will make sure she never goes to bed each night without me showing how much I appreciate that I found her. Okay...this is where I back away slowly and awkwardly....
  5. I think most of us have an ideal period of time where we hope to enjoy at least a couple years child-free in the beginning of a marriage. For those who marry young, say in their early 20's, could afford to wait almost a decade and still be within a good timeframe to have children. But for those of us in our 30's or older and still unmarried, we don't have that luxury. Lately I've been feeling like I have to give up on a dream of having any meaningful amount of time to spend just between myself and my future wife. I'm almost 33 and still no relationship and therefore nowhere near married. Even if I were to start dating a girl today, it would probably last at least 6 months to a year before we get engaged. So by the latest, I'd be 34 by the time of engagement. Then by the time I get married, I would likely be close to 35 and that's best case scenario. In all likelihood, it will take me a while to even find a relationship and by extension I'd be older than 35 by the time I marry. Even by today's standards, that's still pretty late to enter marriage. I won't have much choice to have children really early on because I'd like to have more than one child. I also don't want to be too old by the time they all reach adulthood and independence. Yet at the same time, I won't likely be able to enjoy much of a sex life because I'll have to jump into parenthood right from the get go. Being a parent tends to put a huge damper on a couple's sex life. So sex will be a rare occurrence, like once a decade rare. That's just the way it is. Sex is something I can foresee to be a really big need of my in a marriage and I would need it often. But I also don't want to put undue pressure on my future wife for sex since she will likely be exhausted a lot from taking care of our children all day. As much as I would want sex, I would rather she have it with me because she joyfully wants it, not because she begrudgingly goes along as a chore. Now to be clear, I don't feel like I "deserve" a long and great sex life simply because I am waiting longer than the average person. I'm simply disappointed that I waited so long yet the wait would likely be anti-climatic in terms of the fruits of the wait. I'm not even sure why I'm even posting this thread. I feel like I'm just complaining about apocalyptic worst-case scenarios that haven't actually happened yet. I mean, I get it. Life isn't fair and people will probably tell me to get over it and I probably should. I'm just saying this is something that has been really bothers me and I'm just putting my thoughts out there. It makes me envious of those who found the right one and married at a young age. They have the advantage of having all the time in the world to exclusively enjoy time just the two of them and also enjoy a long and satisfying sex life. I guess I just wanted to see if anyone else can relate to these thoughts.
  6. Yeah, I really should get paid for this....
  7. Relational Comfort and Shaving Habits

    I'm with @emily1030. I don't think either person should ever "let themselves go" even after marriage. If you really love someone, why wouldn't you want to be at your best for the other person? I know I would want to try to look good for my future wife to be as attractive to her as much as possible. On the flip side, I would appreciate it if my future wife shaves her legs and other body hair. I won't love her less if she didn't. But I do prefer smooth legs and I would appreciate the gesture. I know that life gets stressful and sometimes other things get in the way of the relationship. But I think the most important thing is that both people simply put in the effort. That's all you need. It's the little things here and there to remind your spouse that they are thinking of you and that you want to make them happy.
  8. Complicated Situation

    Hey Yin-Yang, First off, I think the most important thing to do before anything else is to seek professional help for your depression and suicidal thoughts. There are people who genuinely want to help you and there is no shame in asking for help. I resisted counseling for a long time for certain issues I had, but when I finally came around, I wondered why I didn't do it sooner. Seeking help is a sign of strength because you acknowledge that you have an issue and want to correct it. I completely understand why you would feel devastated about this guy's sexual history. I would be too if I was in your shoes. I'm sure you like him a lot and vice versa. That must make it a huge dilemma over whether you should end things or not. But I think for the time being, it is best to take a step back and address your depression first. It is possible that your depression is making it difficult for you to discern what is the right course of action for the both of you. You should never be with someone out of fear of being alone. That will only cause a lot more problems in the future. Everyone should be with someone who accepts the good and bad about them without any resentment. Once you are in a place where you feel like your depression isn't hindering you from making a well balanced decision, then you can decide whether his past is something you can truly be okay with or not. It's not wrong if you can't deal with it. I wish you the best and don't be afraid to reach out for help.
  9. I don't know, I guess it's just in my nature to stand up to this sort of thing. This current case not withstanding. I have deleted other members' accounts upon request for various reasons. I guess I just felt the need to honor their wishes. And I don't know how anyone could legitimately call you effeminate with your manly beard and all That's exactly why I did it. This forum should be a place where all members can feel safe and support each other. Most of us already have to deal with friends and family giving us crap for waiting as it is. The last thing we need is other members tearing others down.
  10. Since you asked so nicely.... I hate that I'm always right. Sometimes I don't know why I was cursed with this talent
  11. I'm back :)

    Welcome back, @Geraldine! We missed you and your bubbly energy
  12. It's interesting you tell someone to quote scripture and ask questions when you have done neither this entire thread. As someone who frequently comes across as high and mighty, I would have expected you to enlighten us mere heathens with your vast knowledge of the Lord's will. But then I was reminded of a certain thread a while back regarding the proper role of opposite sex friendships in a Christian marriage. You provided zero scriptural evidence to support your position. All you kept saying was, "That won't fly in my marriage." Yet here you are again, on the issue of church attendance. You provide no scripture, nor do you even cite how the church has impacted your life specifically. All you did was base your judgmental view of others base on your own experiences, what's best for your family and your personal walk with God. So do not presume to talk down to others when you don't provide any biblical basis for anything you have said. It seems to me like you are the one who is elevating yourself into a position of authority not granted by God. Frankly, I grow weary of you coming on here and constantly acting like a tough guy. Yet when push comes to shove, you can't back up anything you say except a holier-than-thou attitude. So let me be blunt: get off your sanctimonious high horse, have some humility and be respectful to your fellow members. Otherwise you will no longer be part of this forum.
  13. Waiting and Loneliness

    Hey @ellegabrielle, When you say loneliness, I assume you mean in the context of desiring a spouse. You are right in that even when we try to distract ourselves with a busy life, we still feel lonely sometimes. The thing is, there is no way to completely avoid feeling lonely 100%. It simply cannot be done. But lately I have learned something that has changed my view on dealing with loneliness, which helped me have more of a sense of peace when dealing with it. I hope it helps you as well. What I have learned is that feeling lonely is not an indication of our level of faith in God, or lack thereof. It is a natural emotion that God instilled in us as part of His beautiful design. But unfortunately, many churches these days seem to view loneliness as a sign of weak faith. At least that is the case in many churches in America, I don't know if it's the same in church culture in other countries. But I can't count how many times I've heard fellow brothers and sisters in Christ say something like "Oh you just don't have enough faith" or "Just draw closer to God and the feeling will go away." They say these things all because I simply expressed a desire for marriage! How ridiculous is that? I'm sure they are well meaning, but this sort of thing isn't helpful nor is it biblical. It's just a subtle way of shaming people for expressing a God-given desire. God designed us since the beginning to want companionship with another person. In Genesis 2, God says, "It isn't good for man to be alone, I will make a suitable partner for him." Clearly God knew that Adam, even in his sinless state before the Fall, needed a companion. So it is true today as it was back then. We were created to have relationships with one another. We also see Paul address this issue in 1 Corinthians 7. He says that it is better to remain single if we can help it, meaning those who are completely content being single. But for those who "cannot help it," he says he or she should marry. While this is addressing the issue of sexual desire, it is still part of the longing for companionship in marriage. Paul didn't say the solution to these desires is to draw closer to God, he says the solution is to get married! The desire for marriage doesn't go away based on our level of faith. It's ingrained into us by God Himself. Marriage is good and should be honored by all (Hebrews 13:4). There is nothing wrong with feeling lonely and wanting marriage. Therefore we should not let the church shame us into thinking we are spiritually lacking for doing so. The only way the desire for marriage is wrong is when it becomes so consuming of our attention that it becomes an idol. Other than that, loneliness isn't a sign of weakness but rather a good and natural sign of God's work in us. Once we allow ourselves to be free from the feeling of guilt, then it makes dealing with the loneliness just a little bit easier. There is one last point I want to make.The church today seems to take on a fairy tale view of marriage in that God will bring us "the One" once we are fully content in Him. The Bible never says God has one specific "perfect" person for each of us, nor did he even promise us we will marry at all. As Paul eluded in 1 Corinthians 7, we are given freedom to marry or not marry. It is entirely our choice. It is not the overly spiritualized thing that we make it out to be. All the Bible says is what to look for in a spouse (2 Corinthians 6:14) in that we must marry another Christian and how to conduct a marriage (Ephesians 5:22-33). That's it. Beyond that, we are given freedom to choose whom we marry. We could end up marrying someone who isn't very compatible with us in terms of lifestyle, but as long as we follow God's guidelines, He will bless the marriage. That said, it's a good idea to exercise wisdom when choosing a spouse. Because once we make that choice, that choice is for life. So we might as well choose someone we are compatible with for the sake of harmony. But that doesn't mean you made the right or wrong choice. It's only "wrong" when both people do not choose to hold their marriage as holy in the eyes of God. Sorry for the long rant. But I hope that answers your question
  14. Matchmaking by family

    I'm Asian as well, Chinese to be exact. Arranged marriages were somewhat common in my family's culture. My paternal grandparents are in an arranged marriage. I'm not sure if that's still a big thing over there. I do know that even though the current generation choose whom they marry, many Asian parents still expect to have a say in it. For example, my great aunt and uncle are pretty racist. So when my uncle was dating a white woman, they threatened to disown him if he marries her. Luckily my parents aren't like that. My parents still would prefer that I marry another Chinese girl, but ultimately it doesn't matter to them as long as she is a Christian. Personally, I'm not sure I'd trust my parents to match me with the right girl. They seem to have a very different perspective of what kind of girl I should go for than I have for myself. I think I am more than capable of deciding that for myself. lol.
  15. I get where you're coming from. Maybe not for the same reasons but I have felt a sense of "panic," for a lack of a better word, when encountered by certain people. I think it's normal to second-guess yourself occasionally when holding an unpopular view because you begin to question if you're just fooling yourself holding on to a fringe opinion. I think for me, I get insecure when people accuse me of being unable to attract women and I'm just using WTM as a false crutch to hide that fact. That really scared me because I never been in a relationship before. There is a difference between people who wait purely by choice who could otherwise get sex if they wanted to, and those who can't get sex or attention from the opposite sex because of issues like social awkwardness or the like. I was afraid that I fell under the latter and if I opened myself to a non-waiting lifestyle, I feared I wouldn't be able to have any success anyways because of some personality problem within me. I don't know if that even makes sense to you, but just thought maybe that could be a reason for you too. But maybe you're afraid because of the realization that your chances of finding a compatible girl who is waiting is much slimmer than you originally thought. I know that you are a Christian and you most likely want to marry a Christian girl who is also waiting. I would be discouraged to hear that waiting is even a rarity within the church, because that is the truth unfortunately. It is sad that even within the church, most people have given into the pressures of society or don't even believe sex is a big deal. So maybe you were just really discouraged by that and that fanned your fear of never finding the right one. I don't think there is anything wrong to feel this way at times. But I think all of us knew from the very beginning that WTM and finding someone who views the same would be an uphill battle. I'm not sure what I can say to help alleviate the fear except to say there maybe more waiters out there than you think and you always have community of waiters here to support you. Also, it is helpful to be open to long distance relationships because if waiters are rare, it may be helpful to expand your search to outside of your area of residence. The important thing to remember is try not to let the opinions of sheep get you down.