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About Invincible

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    Saint Vincent

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    Portland, OR
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    Video games, shooting guns, computers, technology, eating good food, watching movies.

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  1. Waiting and Loneliness

    Hey @ellegabrielle, When you say loneliness, I assume you mean in the context of desiring a spouse. You are right in that even when we try to distract ourselves with a busy life, we still feel lonely sometimes. The thing is, there is no way to completely avoid feeling lonely 100%. It simply cannot be done. But lately I have learned something that has changed my view on dealing with loneliness, which helped me have more of a sense of peace when dealing with it. I hope it helps you as well. What I have learned is that feeling lonely is not an indication of our level of faith in God, or lack thereof. It is a natural emotion that God instilled in us as part of His beautiful design. But unfortunately, many churches these days seem to view loneliness as a sign of weak faith. At least that is the case in many churches in America, I don't know if it's the same in church culture in other countries. But I can't count how many times I've heard fellow brothers and sisters in Christ say something like "Oh you just don't have enough faith" or "Just draw closer to God and the feeling will go away." They say these things all because I simply expressed a desire for marriage! How ridiculous is that? I'm sure they are well meaning, but this sort of thing isn't helpful nor is it biblical. It's just a subtle way of shaming people for expressing a God-given desire. God designed us since the beginning to want companionship with another person. In Genesis 2, God says, "It isn't good for man to be alone, I will make a suitable partner for him." Clearly God knew that Adam, even in his sinless state before the Fall, needed a companion. So it is true today as it was back then. We were created to have relationships with one another. We also see Paul address this issue in 1 Corinthians 7. He says that it is better to remain single if we can help it, meaning those who are completely content being single. But for those who "cannot help it," he says he or she should marry. While this is addressing the issue of sexual desire, it is still part of the longing for companionship in marriage. Paul didn't say the solution to these desires is to draw closer to God, he says the solution is to get married! The desire for marriage doesn't go away based on our level of faith. It's ingrained into us by God Himself. Marriage is good and should be honored by all (Hebrews 13:4). There is nothing wrong with feeling lonely and wanting marriage. Therefore we should not let the church shame us into thinking we are spiritually lacking for doing so. The only way the desire for marriage is wrong is when it becomes so consuming of our attention that it becomes an idol. Other than that, loneliness isn't a sign of weakness but rather a good and natural sign of God's work in us. Once we allow ourselves to be free from the feeling of guilt, then it makes dealing with the loneliness just a little bit easier. There is one last point I want to make.The church today seems to take on a fairy tale view of marriage in that God will bring us "the One" once we are fully content in Him. The Bible never says God has one specific "perfect" person for each of us, nor did he even promise us we will marry at all. As Paul eluded in 1 Corinthians 7, we are given freedom to marry or not marry. It is entirely our choice. It is not the overly spiritualized thing that we make it out to be. All the Bible says is what to look for in a spouse (2 Corinthians 6:14) in that we must marry another Christian and how to conduct a marriage (Ephesians 5:22-33). That's it. Beyond that, we are given freedom to choose whom we marry. We could end up marrying someone who isn't very compatible with us in terms of lifestyle, but as long as we follow God's guidelines, He will bless the marriage. That said, it's a good idea to exercise wisdom when choosing a spouse. Because once we make that choice, that choice is for life. So we might as well choose someone we are compatible with for the sake of harmony. But that doesn't mean you made the right or wrong choice. It's only "wrong" when both people do not choose to hold their marriage as holy in the eyes of God. Sorry for the long rant. But I hope that answers your question
  2. Matchmaking by family

    I'm Asian as well, Chinese to be exact. Arranged marriages were somewhat common in my family's culture. My paternal grandparents are in an arranged marriage. I'm not sure if that's still a big thing over there. I do know that even though the current generation choose whom they marry, many Asian parents still expect to have a say in it. For example, my great aunt and uncle are pretty racist. So when my uncle was dating a white woman, they threatened to disown him if he marries her. Luckily my parents aren't like that. My parents still would prefer that I marry another Chinese girl, but ultimately it doesn't matter to them as long as she is a Christian. Personally, I'm not sure I'd trust my parents to match me with the right girl. They seem to have a very different perspective of what kind of girl I should go for than I have for myself. I think I am more than capable of deciding that for myself. lol.
  3. I get where you're coming from. Maybe not for the same reasons but I have felt a sense of "panic," for a lack of a better word, when encountered by certain people. I think it's normal to second-guess yourself occasionally when holding an unpopular view because you begin to question if you're just fooling yourself holding on to a fringe opinion. I think for me, I get insecure when people accuse me of being unable to attract women and I'm just using WTM as a false crutch to hide that fact. That really scared me because I never been in a relationship before. There is a difference between people who wait purely by choice who could otherwise get sex if they wanted to, and those who can't get sex or attention from the opposite sex because of issues like social awkwardness or the like. I was afraid that I fell under the latter and if I opened myself to a non-waiting lifestyle, I feared I wouldn't be able to have any success anyways because of some personality problem within me. I don't know if that even makes sense to you, but just thought maybe that could be a reason for you too. But maybe you're afraid because of the realization that your chances of finding a compatible girl who is waiting is much slimmer than you originally thought. I know that you are a Christian and you most likely want to marry a Christian girl who is also waiting. I would be discouraged to hear that waiting is even a rarity within the church, because that is the truth unfortunately. It is sad that even within the church, most people have given into the pressures of society or don't even believe sex is a big deal. So maybe you were just really discouraged by that and that fanned your fear of never finding the right one. I don't think there is anything wrong to feel this way at times. But I think all of us knew from the very beginning that WTM and finding someone who views the same would be an uphill battle. I'm not sure what I can say to help alleviate the fear except to say there maybe more waiters out there than you think and you always have community of waiters here to support you. Also, it is helpful to be open to long distance relationships because if waiters are rare, it may be helpful to expand your search to outside of your area of residence. The important thing to remember is try not to let the opinions of sheep get you down.
  4. Well no one is ever truly too old to find a quality person since there are quality single people of every age group. The problem is the likelihood of finding such person diminishes as we age. This is just the truth. I know it feels hopeless at times because I'm in a similar stage. I'm 32 and it feels like my chances of finding someone compatible are slim. But I would encourage you never to lower your standards. It's not worth it. It's important for us to be honest what kind of compromises we are willing to make. But we should never compromise on things we are not willing to budge on, like faith or general world views. I believe lowering standards on dealbreakers is worse than being single forever. Because if you do, there will always be that nagging feeling in the back of your mind that this isn't right and you will grow to resent the other person unfairly. That will lead to both of you feeling unhappy. I've seen this happen in several marriages and it's not pretty. There is no passion or romance in these marriages because they were unhappy that they settled. But I do understand the struggle. Even though I'm a bit younger than you, I feel like most women around my age bracket has either been divorced before and/or have had kids with other men or have an extremely bitter view of all men in general. Those are things I don't want to deal with. I can possibly handle a non-virgin who has slipped up once or twice in the past provided she really regrets it and has gotten right with God about it. But I cannot be with a woman who has slept around with lots of men. I just can't do it. So yeah, it does seem like the chances of finding what I'm looking for aren't good. I really do feel for older women though. At least for us guys, it is more socially acceptable for us to date women who are quite a bit younger, like even 10 years younger. Which is kind of what I am aiming for anyways. However, since you seem to have no problem dating younger guys, that does help your chances for sure. Have faith and don't give up.
  5. I'm glad to have found this site!

    Welcome, rotorgirl. It is easy to doubt our choice to wait sometimes. But we don't do this to please man, we do it to please God. If anything, I think waiting is even more valuable in this day and age because most people do the opposite. Stay strong, you're on the right path.
  6. Long Engagements

    This is exactly why I prefer short engagements. The way I see it is that once a couple decides to get engaged, they are ready to get married. If they weren't then they wouldn't have gotten engaged. That means both should be at a point where they are fully at peace with the idea of marrying that person and any significant doubts or issues have been resolved. At the point, why wait? Unless there is some practical reason to delay, I say get married ASAP. Having a longer than necessary engagement period just prolongs the temptation IMO. But that's just me.
  7. Hm.....So Jamie Grace is a Christian, picky, intentional, marriage-minded, weird, beautiful, doesn't drink, doesn't club, never been in a relationship before.....sounds like me. Jamie Grace and I should get married
  8. Expectations in marriage

    Awesome article, @Geraldine! I love April, the Peaceful Wife and watch her videos on Youtube. I hate how our society is full of people who are of the belief that the success of a marriage is measured entirely by the wife's feelings. If she's not happy then somehow it's the husband's fault for failing to fulfill her emotional needs. A husband's responsibility is to love her as Christ loves the Church, but he has no control over how his wife feels. If you watch April's videos, she has said in multiple occasions that she used to be the ultra-nagging, controlling and disrespectful wife to her husband until God convicted her heart to change. Her husband is not God, he's a sinner just as much as she is. Therefore he cannot give true happiness that only God can provide. The fact is that this kind of unrealistic expectations is born from selfishness. We cannot expect our spouses to fulfill our every single need at all times. We are going to fail each other at some point or another. I highly recommend watching April's youtube videos. She provides so much wisdom on marriage.
  9. I just realized I made a mistake. I don't know why I thought oral stimulation had anything to do with mutual masturbation. I blame lack of sleep. lol. So disregard that part. Sorry about that. But it still stand that oral sex is still intercourse.
  10. The difference is "sex" in all its forms involve penetration. Masturbation on the flip side, does not.
  11. Depends on what you mean by "oral stimulation." If you mean mutual masturbation then no, it would not be a loss of virginity, though it would still be an impure act. If you mean oral sex, then definitely they are not a virgin. Contrary to popular belief, sexual intercourse in it's actual definition isn't limited to coitus. Sexual intercourse as defined by Merriam-Webster dictionary: So while it's usually understood that intercourse refers to coitus, it is not limited to that. It is extended to sexual penetration of any kind whether it is vaginal, anal or oral.
  12. Set Apart Girl Conference 2017 ! I was there ! :D

    @Geraldine and @redgrapes, thank you for discussing the issue of homeschooling. I personally am 100% pro-homeschooling. While I do think there are still some great public school districts out there, for the most part I think the public school system is a joke. Our public school system as well as academia is plagued with politically correctness and Cultural Marxism indoctrination. They are not teaching our children how to think critically, but rather what to think. I don't want my children to be taught all these lies. I do understand some families require both parents working out of financial necessity. But if that isn't the issue, there is no reason for both parents to work. What is the point of having children if they are spending most of the day at daycare or school being raised and taught by someone else? Kids should be at home being a raised and taught full-time. Having both parents work simply to achieve a certain level of a life of luxury isn't worth all that time away from nurturing your kids. When your kids go off to college, are you going to regret not making enough to get that fancy car you wanted or are you going to regret the time you didn't spend with them growing up? Learn to live within your means and take that time to establish a strong relationship and memories with your kids. I also do not want to entrust my children to the state for 8 hours a day. Most schools can't even protect the kids from other kids who bully them. My elementary school didn't allow us to physically defend ourselves if we were physically bullied. The most we were allowed to do was "block the punch" or run away or some such nonsense. So basically if we fought back, we could be expelled, for simply defending ourselves! This is utter stupidity. If the school can't be trusted to protect my child from bullies, how can I trust them to protect my child in case a psychopath comes and commits a school shooting? When it comes to the actual teaching, homeschooling has the benefit of the children having more personal 1 on 1 time with the teacher. Rather than a public school teacher having to divide his or her attention to a room full of kids, a child can have their parent's full attention the whole time. Since the parent is the teacher, the kids can follow up with the homework or lessons and get help any time of the day. If I ever have kids, they will be homeschooled. End of story. Until then, I want to make sure I am in a place of stability that would allow my future wife to stay home and teach them without worrying about finances.
  13. There you are . Obviously correlation doesn't equal causation. But there clearly is a strong link between the number of premarital sex partners and the likelihood of divorce and over all happiness in marriage. Having premarital sex doesn't automatically mean that your marriage is doomed to fail, but studies like this is just further evidence that sex isn't "just sex." It creates a very powerful and intense bond with the other person and therefore needs to be handled with great care. Yes exactly. It does make me sad knowing that she couldn't exclusively be mine emotionally and sexually, but I could still accept her if and only if she has a complete change in mindset. She has to regret sleeping around and get right with God about it. Also, she has to be waiting out of her own accord and fully appreciate the value of waiting. I do not want to be with someone who didn't appreciate the fact that I waited for her. To me, that is almost like wasting my virginity on someone who don't think deserves it.
  14. I think the key difference is that "worthy" like what you were saying is a better way to think about it than "entitled." I think it's better to say we who have fought hard to remain virgins gives us a legitimate reason to make virginity a dealbreaker rather than actually feel like we are owed one as if it's a guarantee. Whereas a non-virgin would not have legitimate grounds to do the same since they themselves aren't one. That's not to say they cannot hope for a virgin, but they can't require a virgin without being a hypocrite. I just think it comes down to whatever we expect in a potential partner, we must expect the same of ourselves as well. Yes, that's a good point. These things we value are kind of like fine wine, especially since things like virginity become more rare the older we get. But then the double edge sword of that is because it's harder to find, the less chance of finding one who meets our requirements. It's kind of a catch 22. I totally know what you mean about the kissing thing. I think I've come to the point where I am seriously wanting to save my first kiss for marriage. I don't think there is anything wrong with kissing before marriage. But I figure if I saved myself this long, I might as well save my first kiss too. I just think it would make it a lot more special waiting on that too. Yeah that sounds about right, I would definitely agree women would more likely regret premarital sex. I think that may be because many girls were pressured to have sex from their past boyfriends when they really didn't want to. Yet they did so because they believed that is what she had to do to get him to stay. Which is wrong of course. But even so, this still brings up another issue. There have been several studies done that concludes a strong correlation between the number of premarital sex partners a girl has to her chances of a successful marriage. Basically, they state if a girl has even 1 previous sex partner, it would reduce her chances of a successful marriage by roughly 30% by average. Whereas for a man, it would take on average around 19 sex partners to have the same percentage drop. It goes down from there with each subsequent partner. This I think has to do with the fact that women usually aren't able to separate sex from emotions like most men can. Because of the high levels of oxytocin, or the "bonding" hormone that women release during sex, she creates an intense, long-lasting bond with that man. So it's not hard to imagine that bond with another man would be serious baggage in a marriage. Of course both men and women should strive for purity, but we can't pretend the consequences are the same for both. This just happens to be one area that affects girls in a much more dire way. That is quite troubling to me and I hate the idea of walking into a marriage where my chances of a successful marriage are statistically lower due to her sexual past. Sometimes I even I wonder how I am able to say virginity is not a dealbreaker for me I also agree with you about the permanent nature of actions. I don't buy into the idea of "born-again virgins." There is no such thing and I just think people think of themselves as such as a means of make oneself feel better. I know that might offend some people, but that is the truth. I don't say that to be all high and mighty because I have made terrible mistakes, lots of them. Actions have consequences and you cannot undo something once it's done. I certainly do not downplay my past mistakes because I know full well I am fully responsible for them and all I can do is learn from them. I think it shows you have a much higher sense of introspection than you may give yourself credit for. I think it's amazing that you can admit that your requirement for a virgin is not just for your own benefit but for the guy as well. You know yourself well enough to know you will unfairly resent him if you were with a non-virgin and I commend you for realizing that. That on it's own is selflessness in it's own way. I also think it is good you at least tried to work towards looking past someone's sexual baggage and it's okay if you just can't bring yourself to. You were honest with yourself and you understood the lower chances of finding a partner and accepted it. That's all that matters.
  15. To be honest, it's easier for me to say virginity was not a dealbreaker when I was younger compared to now. It still is ultimately not a dealbreaker for me now (even though some days I feel like it is), but I noticed the older I got, the more it would bother me if a girl I was with wasn't a virgin. It also doesn't help that my chances of finding a virgin gets smaller as I grow older. There are exceptions of course, but women are usually not able to separate the physical aspect of sex with the emotional part than men. I hate the idea that a part of her heart will always be with another guy or guys. I also hate the idea that somehow I wouldn't please her sexually as well as any of the previous guys. As someone who has issues with jealousy, it would really eat me up inside knowing she could never be exclusively mine. Secondly, I also have occasional feelings of entitlement when I think about how long I've waited and turned down offers for sex in the past that I felt I deserve a virgin. Like @Adam said, it wouldn't feel like a fair trade given that I've resisted my sexual urges all my life, remained STD free and endured so much loneliness. Yet despite that, she will get to have "all of me" while she could never give me the same in return. I know that love isn't about keeping score, but it is hard not to feel short changed when you've followed all the rules and did what was right. I know this isn't the right way to think because the truth is, I don't deserve anything. I am not owed a relationship, let alone with a virgin, just for doing what its right. If I ever do end up with a good woman, virgin or not, it would only be because of the grace of God. I realize that I myself have my own brokenness that I would hope a girl would look past. While I do believe everyone has the right to decide what their dealbreakers are, I still choose to not to potentially miss out on someone great because of this issue. It would be a very tough process for me, no doubt about it. First and foremost, I would need to have lots of prayer with God to give me the peace about her sexual past. I would also need reassurance from her in both words and actions that she loves me and only me and that she wishes she would have waited for me. I don't want her to be live in shame or to keep dwelling on her past, but she would have to show remorse for her sexual past. I could not be with someone who didn't see anything wrong with premarital sex or tried to justify it in any way. It's not her past that is ultimately a dealbreaker, it's her attitude of her past that counts. The biggest dealbreaker for me is if she is not a Christian. She also has to be waiting out of her own choice and not just because I asked her to.