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About Shirley

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  1. Because children are not systematically encouraged to ponder the question, "Is physical expression of sexual attachment outside of marriage a habit I want to practice?" or any of the other questions that would help an individual decide, logically, what personal policy (or boundary) would best serve him/herself and others. Most people simply never learn how to think about it. (Whose fault is that? Parents, schools, and churches.)
  2. Congratulations, you are escaping an abusive relationship! And now you have a chance (or, duty) to learn everything you can from what happened, so that you never repeat any of the mistakes you made. (I'm not putting all of the blame on you, but when I went through a similar situation, what brought me the greatest relief was repenting, acknowledging that I actually had a lot of power, and then feeling deeply assured that--as long as I use my brain--none of this will ever happen again! And my friend's advice: don't feel like you have some deadline for "getting over him" (that sense of pressure doesn't help). Also, realizing that I SHOULD hurt; that meant that my ability to form attachments to people is intact.) People are reluctant to give advice about what you could have done better, but I promise you will feel better when you admit/figure out what you did *wrong* and KNOW that as long as you continue to decide/behave differently, this will not happen again. You can be healthy and safe! The other option is to keep doing the same thing, attract abusive types, and become codependent. Read An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters. (Do it, it's really short!) Here's a thought for later, once you get over him well enough to be good company to "the next guy." (I promise you will, if you decide to.) How long did that take? Mathematically, how many times can you afford to go through similar crises before you are past the age that you had hoped to be married? Emotionally, even if you can afford to go through that again, why would you want to? That degree of suffering simply isn't necessary; it is not the price of finding a mate.