struggling

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About struggling

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  • Birthday August 30

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  1. Hello everyone, I haven't signed on in a long time, not since the start of this year. Since then only been out on a few dates with one girl and asked out another earlier in the year but no luck. Still waiting at almost 33 years of age. Worst mistake of my life. Hope everyone is doing better than I am, can't be difficult.
  2. new year, same story

    Thank you so much for all your responses and thoughts. I'm thinking through what's been said here and will return with further thoughts.
  3. So here I am on the final day of this year and instead of heading out somewhere I've spent the whole day having my own pity party, basically feeling sorry for myself...because I am still waiting. I have engaged in sexual relations but just not had INTERCOURSE...so I am sexually experienced in a way but technically I'm still a virgin because I still haven't penetrated a woman. I almost did it 10 years ago and I managed to put on the condom but then FEAR struck me as soon as I realised that I was about to have sex...panic set in and I didn't go through with it because I felt it was the wrong thing to do. Since then, I tried twice with someone else but failed both times. I had anxiety, could barely fit the condom on and couldn't get hard enough. This girl was horrible to me and deep down I didn't want to do it with her, I just wanted to finally lose my virginity so that I could finally achieve my goal. I had failed to have sex and you can imagine how my self worth and self esteem was shot to pieces. I suppose maybe it is the FEAR that's trapped me from going all the way with a woman due to my faith and the convictions I have had. So basically I'm 32 and still a virgin (technically speaking). Deep down I believe I've done the right thing, it's just that I didn't think I'd be waiting this long to meet the right person. I am so distressed, gutted and bitter at missing out on a sex life and I am deeply ashamed of it. Furthermore because I haven't performed the act of intercourse yet, I'm concerned about whether I can actually do it or not. I have to prove to myself that I can actually penetrate a woman! How can I know for sure if I've never done it? I have a fixation on the actual physical act of intercourse. I kinda of see it as a goal and an achievement if I finally get it done. But because I haven't I feel less of a man. I see being a virgin at this age as the worst thing in the world to the point where I curse the day I was born. I feel like such a failure. I suppose it's just this idea that there's this natural physical act that I am yet to do and it has always made me feel incredibly inadequate. I see everyone who has had sex as better, more whole, more rounded people. It's difficult to explain but there's this sense of total isolation sometimes that I feel with being a virgin at my age, like I'm not almost fully human. And knowing that I'm one of the very few people still to experience this one thing. You know it's that feeling you had at school of being picked last for the team...only that in this case I'm not even being picked at all! Instead of this abstinence being something that's beneficial it's only caused utter torment and torture. I mean with something as significant as celibacy you want to see some reward and benefit coming from it. I guess what I need then is perhaps some inner healing for effectively the trauma and agony of missing out on a sex life my whole life. Where do I, can I go from here anyway? To lose it to just anyone would be a complete waste after having waited all this time but then that means to carry on waiting and letting this torment continue. You can see how I feel there's just no way out here.
  4. Are STDs a deal breaker?

    Wow I am truly dumbfounded. Now your approach to this whole thing makes sense. It sounds like you are very paranoid and what's disturbing is that you actually appear to genuinely believe all what you've said! For the benefit of others - the vast majority of STDs are mostly spread by sexual contact, either through intercourse or oral sex. This includes some of the most common ones like chalmydia, gonorrhoea, genital herpes, syphillis, Hep B, HIV, HPV (Genital Warts). Yes the STDs can be present in not just sexual fluids but also in saliva and blood like Hep B or Hep C for example but apart from sex, this would only be transmitted through needle sharing or say an infected mother passing it on to her baby. If STDs were passed on in the way you describe it wouldn't be long before every human on this earth would be infected in one way or another. You are insulting people who do have STDs by making them out to be like lepers or having Ebola or Bird Flu. What's intruiging to me is that you claim to have this inherent knowledge, yet not once did I actually see you providing an example of a specific STD and how it's passed on. For example.... You DO NOT get STDs from hugging, shaking hands, sharing food, using the same utensils, drinking from the same glass, sitting on toilet seats, or touching doorknobs. Honestly, where on earth or who on earth told you otherwise!? Just think about this for a minute...have you ever used a restroom that's not your own? I'm assuming you have at some point in your life. Which means then, YOU COULD HAVE A STD ...because according to your ridicolous theory STDs are passed on by sitting on toliet seats! Seriously, give me JUST ONE example of someone who's contracted a STD in this way. You can't because there's NEVER been a documented case thus what you're claiming is based on ZERO evidence. Yes there is slim possiblilty to contract scabies and pubic lice through certain activities but these two diseases are relatively rare themselves and they aren't technically STDs because they can be transmitted outside of a sexual context in the same way you could get tetanus from a rusty nail or rabies from an infected dog bite. In any case both of these are fully curable and aren't dangerous. The ONLY realistic, common thing you can catch from doing this are diseases that are clearly not STDs - the common cold, stomach bugs, mono and so that's why it's generally not wise to drink from the same cup of some stranger anyway but NOT because you could catch an STD!! For goodness sake. Yes there is a very minute possiblity that if someone had Oral Herpes (HSV1). But in that case he/she would have to have an active outbreak i.e an open sore AND managed to get some of the virus onto the cup AND you drank from the exact area that he/she had just made contact with...but it's so minute that it's a non-issue. This sort of wacky paranoia of yours reminds me of people in the late 70s when the HIV virus broke out and everyone initially thought you could get infected by sharing clothes or merely hugging an HIV person. So these STDs are just floating around in the air are they!? Oh my gosh you could be breathing in one right now! The bacteria and viruses that are responsible for causing them require a living host in order to “live†and multiply. Depending on the type of bacteria or virus, direct skin-to-skin contact or the passing of bodily fluids such as sexual fluids in most cases and also (in fewer cases) blood, saliva, breast milk between an infected person and another person is required for the transmission of an STD. WHAT'S THAT TELLING YOU? HELLO!! Maybe you've been misinformed and so frankly you haven't got a clue about this. My suggestion to you - take some time out, you have the internet, so educate yourself about STDs, understand the FACT that you cannot really contract them in the manner you described. Until then, quit posting information that simply isn't correct. In summary for the others who've read this, to re-iterate - the general rule is if you have never had oral-genital or genital-genital contact with another person then you are not at risk for STIs/STDs.
  5. Are STDs a deal breaker?

    And there we go...IGNORANCE AT ITS FINEST!! This is exactly what I mean by a lack of awareness. I was about to close this page down until my eyes caught this part of your response.... You do realise that they're called SEXUALLY transmitted diseases/infections for a reason... Unless you are talking about molluscum contagiousum (which itself is rare and can be passed through touching contimated objects), you cannot contract a STD from simply sharing the same glass or cup or sharing other inanimate objects. STDs need human skin in order to survive and they die almost instantly when they're outside the body.
  6. Are STDs a deal breaker?

    Sorry that I essentially called you out on this but it's because you reacted the way that you did in your first response. I found it quite shocking (along with the other person who said "ew no)." The fact that all you said was NOOOOOO, just no, come on, nooooo without giving any explanations or reasons as to why...initially at least. You've said you think about your answers...but that response doesn't indicate that does it!? That was my point. It's a quite surprising response given the fact that you say you know people with STDs. I was expecting someone in that position to at least show some sensitivity and tactfulness even if it's not something you could personally deal with in a relationship/marriage. I wonder what they would have thought if they saw your first comment on here.... You do also realise that because these are so common, you might not even know that your future partner has something himself (unless he's never kissed anyone before). 50% of teenagers and young adults have Oral Herpes (HSV1) and that percentage increases 80-90% by the time you they are over 50 years old. As the topic came up I was keen to share my views on this because there is not enough awareness and it's attitudes like this that elevate the stigma of STDs even further by people reacting in such a manner like you and a few others initially did. Anyway I'm not here to convince you or anyone else that it shouldn't be a deal breaker because it's totally understandable that it is in a relationship (like it would be for alot of ppl) but you could have shown some class yourself by actually explaining and detailing in your first post the reasons why you wouldn't go there. You've now done that in your second message which is fair enough. But you can see how dismissive and insensitive your initial comment was and how it came across and that's what I was pointing out in regard to yourself.
  7. Are STDs a deal breaker?

    Exactly look at my post above....and I would also add you can contract it even if you don't have intercourse...e.g. through oral. I think people are very quick to judge and form opinions based on very little knowledge about STDs. I was like this. I thought that the only people who get them are those that sleep around and/or prositutes. To give you an idea, for example 1 in 6 people in the US have genital herpes (HSV2), that is almost 50 million people!! So think about it...it's very likely that every one of us will know at least someone with a STD, it's just that he/she would never disclose it, for obvious reasons, primiarly due to the taboo and stigma that exists. And furthermore, there are those that have it and don't even know they have a STD! (due to the lack of symptoms). So you see it's worth trying to understand the circumstances and context of how and why rather than being instantly dismissive and also recognising the overblown stigma that exists and that they are far more common than people think. There is far too much detail to expand on especially on a forum such as this but no question there needs to be more awareness and education about STDs in general.
  8. Are STDs a deal breaker?

    Easy for people to simply say NO, it can be alot to take on alongside dealing with someones past...I'm not surprised given that reaction on this website. But at least Steadfast has some logic here and as he says quite rightly, it depends on the circumstances and how they got it. There are so many stigmas about STDs, people simply assume that whoever has one must have contracted it from sleeping around etc. Yes obviously there's a greater chance the more sexual partners that person has but there are so many unfortunate instances as well. What if that person contracted it from a cheating partner? I knew one guy who had sex for the FIRST TIME and got herpes from that person. Can you imagine how he must feel... What if you date someone who you really like that ticks all your boxes, eventually fall in love and then he/she tells they have a STD? Furthermore think about this way, if you're with someone who has a STD and you're both going to wait til marriage you're not going to contract anything anyway. There's far too much ignorance so I'm not surprised many people would reject someone with a STD yet people don't realise that even with an incurable one, it's still very unlikely for it to be passed on (obviously depends on the STD, the severity etc. too much to get into on here). It's natural most people will fall into believing that these things would be too much to take which is understable but don't be so dismissive and abrasive (like Jasmine23 above) without at least trying to understand the circumstances.
  9. Forever Alone?

    In retrospect I was a little harsh and abrupt there in my response, so yes I apologise about that but it's because I was honestly quite surprised by that comment. Nothing wrong with wanting certain phsyical features in a woman, of course, all guys have them. I think it's the fact that you said - "without any flaw" that struck a nerve, as if you are expecting total perfection. So are you saying that if she ticked all your other boxes but didn't have the exact type of breasts that you're looking for, you would turn her down? Can you imagine how that would make her feel?? Or just think if a girl you really liked, rejected you because you didn't have big enough biceps or you weren't tall enough etc.? How would you feel? Maybe you share how much of a prioirty this breast issue is for you...? Your other requirements are realistic and are good traits to seek after.
  10. Forever Alone?

    I was going to take your post seriously and respond until I read this - "Also i m obsessed with breasts, so they shouldn't have any fault." No further comment needed...
  11. Very interesting thoughts you have here and I understand exactly where you're coming from. Infact I posted something recently which echo alot of your feelings on this issue - http://forums.waitingtillmarriage.org/topic/4904-coping-with-a-partners-past/
  12. So something that does genuinely interest me in regard to virginity is what really counts as losing it or having sex??
  13. I've come to a conclusion as to why I feel the way I do about this....
  14. I'm feeling truly rotten today. I'm not sure why this morning but I ended up looking up something called involuntary celibacy. I'm sure you've heard of this term before, it's used for those people who are longing for relationship and sexual intimacy but cannot get any despite the effort. Now some of you like myself have decided to wait for spiritual reasons and so maybe we can't be classed as incels as such, however I'm at the stage where I don't want to wait any longer. I am trying to meet someone but it never seems to happen.